in search of the elusive one

a pointless but enlightening conversation on a dreary wednesday afternoon…

p.q: that time i went there i saw another malay guy

p.q: n this guy was wearing a suit so he's definitely in the business side

barren: wah corporate malay guy

barren: why is it so surprising to find corporate malay guys?

barren: lol

barren: i find it so rare and refreshing

p.q: yea

p.q: he LOOKED refreshing

p.q: haha

barren: lol

barren: tat time i had a meeting with a mediacorp sales guy

barren: malay also

barren: refreshing also

barren: lol

p.q: lol

p.q: i wonder how they're like in person

p.q: are they humorous? witty?

barren: i dunno, i hardly come across such species

barren: its almost like they're an urban legend

barren: *ponder

p.q: i know!

p.q: but i don't think i can be in a relationship with one?

p.q: actually im not sure

p.q: i think such men come with big ego

barren: or high standards

barren: which i don't think i can keep up with

barren: hiak2

at the risk of sounding racist (but how could we, we’re malays too!), this is really true for my friend, ms p.q. and i. we hardly come across corporatey malay guys, or at least the straight ones. I only noe of two, and yeah, their standards are damn high la.

Are they such an elusive specimen, that we’re not quite sure if they even exist? And single ones? Even harder to find!

And why are we so intimidated by the idea of a high-flying malay guy? More often than not, we’d assume that these men, especially the good-lookers, “won’t go for malay girls” and stereotype them as “sure wanna look for angmoh or chinese gf”.

Why ah?

Anyone care to refute our totally baseless assumptions? Or has evidence that the opposite is true?

happy bubbleday!

Yes, we’re officially ONE today!

Gosh, it just seemed like yesterday when bh, ph and I were chilling out at macs just lamenting about our lives. (errr… ok, that doesn’t sound too good)

But we were hardly sobbing. That’s the thing I love about my fellow hearties - we’re always laughing in our laments! And it was that very session that we started bubbling some ideas about our own space.

I loved that session, I loved our ideas and that motivated this very blog.

We started off as just the three of us, wondering, pondering and reflecting… Will we all find love and settle down in future? Well, we can never know what lies ahead for us, but it’s been a year and it’s definitely good to know that we’re not alone :)

Thank you all readers and contributors. Happy Holidays!




PS: Sorry hearties for disappearing. I just needed to get myself away from the world I knew for a while. So I did and now I’m back and feeling better. bh, you did an awesome job manning the blog all by yourself! *hugs

the one that was not meant to be

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

One of the first guys I met online & offline was someone who used the moniker “Armitage” on IRC. He was an extremely interesting person to chat with. At that time, I was a self-confessed IRC addict, would log on daily to chat.

Anyway, I was in my 2^nd year of JC while I chanced upon this guy “H”, he was at that time in his 2^nd year of Singapore Polytechnic and he was in the same course as one of my close friends. Apparently, he was a close friend of my friend’s “uncle” of the same age.

After my A levels, I pretty much did not work and the only odd job I had was shuttling to Boonlay to teach tuition to my cousin. I even introduced IRC to her and on nights when I slept over, we’d be giggling together while chatting on IRC. Of course she knew of my online friend and also got acquainted with him.

Back to the guy…I’ve never gotten any photo of him on IRC hence I don’t know how he looked like. We chatted on the phone and his voice was sooooo swoonsome…even my cousin says so. She actually went: Sis, his voice makes me melt! (LOL). Being THE GOOD GIRL who followed mommy’s rule of study first boys later, I never went out on dates. I’ve always projected myself as this fierce girl in sec sch and when I get to JC, hmmmm…there isn’t any guys interested I guess. And I’m very bad at lying…so I shall not even try.

Anyway…”H” asked me out and I’ve always politely declined him. I wasn’t so scared because I knew he was a real person…kinda 6 degrees of separation. However, one day an opportunity arises…there was this seminar regarding after A level options that I wanted to check out so when he asked me out, I told him…well…if you don’t mind following me to that seminar, then I’d meet you. He agreed instantaneously. The date was fixed and I refused to ride his bike so what we did was agreed to meet and go to City Hall via MRT. Now, I was torn as to which MRT I should meet him at…If I chose the one near my place…I’d probably bump into neighbours or something. I had wanted to meet at Woodlands MRT but decided against it because it was too crowded. Finally, I agreed to meet him at Marsiling MRT station.

While waiting for him, I realized I was being too brave…I never really know who he was and have no idea how he looked like…just that he was supposed to be 1.8m tall. Then I finally met ’H’ and we took the train all the way to City Hall. (He had apparently boarded the train from SP to Marsiling) ‘H’ wasn’t a looker. He was tall, lanky and dark skinned but he’s alright on the whole. Anyway, my good friend was already waiting over at City Hall.( I had planned it in such a way that it would turn out to be a double date with my friend and her boyfriend) What I hadn’t planned was my friend to be at loggerhead with her boyfriend and we met all the rest of the gang at that seminar!

What was supposed to be a date instead became a group dinner at First Muslim Noodles Shop at Far East Plaza. It was really laughable. Luckily, “H” hadn’t seemed to mind. And when it was time to go home after the dinner, I had opted to take the bus home instead of going to the train with the rest. So he sent me back home.

Anyway after that he asked me out again. Again I declined…knowing full well that I would not be able to lie to my mom (my mom is kinda strict you see).

So he retorted on the phone: You tak boleh jumpa ke tak nak jumpa? (You can't meet or don't want to meet?)

To which I replied: Tak boleh la…my mom. (Can't la...my mom)

Him: kenapa? (Why?)

Me: Mak dia ingat anak dia lawa sangat. (This mom thinks her daughter is so pretty)

Him: Lawa ape…. (Pretty what...)

Hahaha. His reply really cracks me up. But of course I didn’t meet him again. I accidentally met him on the train when I was going to my Aunt’s place. He looked pleasantly surprised but that was to be our last meeting.

When I finally joined my school after A level, where I had a lil bit of freedom…he happened to be attached already. Apparently to a plump girl too! I guess plump was his idea of a perfect girl hehe.

And the last I heard about him was that he was involved in a bike accident where he was the pillion to my friend’s uncle. May Allah bless his soul. He had by far been one of the nicer guys I’ve met whom I got to know through online. Of course it was an experience worth remembering and well I guess in a way…it was not meant to be.

Hmmm how’s that for a sappy ‘love’ story? *winks*

p/s: i noe it's always w.h who posts contributions but unfortunately, all my fellow hearties are on a hiatus right now. so that leaves me as the sole custodian of this blog (not for long i hope!) let's wish they'll come back soon, missing you ladies!!!

in the arms of an angel

I would rather have had
one breath of her hair
one kiss of her mouth
one touch of her hand
than an eternity without it.
One.
               city of angels

love the show and ost but hate the ending nevertheless.

settling down for less

Being single is a choice. I think most of us, including you, our dear readers, can get attached is a jiffy, if we choose to. It’s a matter of dropping your expectations and thinking long term isn’t it – procreating for the greater good, making our parents happy, escaping boredom in old age. So many reasons to just go out and settle down, to settle for less...

We could. But why are we not doing it? Why am I not doing it?

My answer to this question came recently, when I saw pictures of my freshly attached friends.

That look on their faces.

Bliss. Just pure bliss of gazing each other in the eyes.

The joy of proclaiming to the world (or your facebook friends, at least) that yes, you’ve finally found someone!

Not caring if everyone thinks you’re a love sick nut case, coz YOU are happy.

That overwhelming feeling that consumes your whole being until it shows on your face even as you walk down the street alone.

I want that. I really do.

But oh wells. Not everyone can get what they want eh?

On to the next match-up!


p/s: in pms mode. Guess that’s self explanatory.

crazy

It seems lately I've been crazy over acoustic songs...
Listen to this sexy swoon-worthy cover of Gnarls Barkley's song by Ray Lamontagne.

God, I love his voice!

hi, my name is…

Chuck. Good Luck Chuck.

I swear it’s true. For those who don’t know, Good Luck Chuck is a movie about this guy who thinks he's cursed, coz after a girl sleeps with him, she finds the true love of her life and gets married.

There were a few instances where I ‘turned down’ a guy (not sleep with him!), and he’ll hook up in no time, and more often than not… they’ll get married!

For example:

Specimen 1: Mr F

Time: Circa early 2007

Synopsis: Met Mr F in late 2006, hit it off really well but we kept things casual and didn’t want to rush things. Around Dec, my ex made a proposal (as in suggestion, not the on-one-bended-knee kind) for us to try again. I faltered for a moment and told Mr F i’m considering the ex. Disappointed, he went off to get married within months.

Specimen 2: The Ex

Time: Still early 2007

Synopsis: After Mr F got hitched, I was kinda upset. Even though Mr F was no longer in the picture, I still couldn’t give my heart completely yet (yeah, I’m fickle like that). I asked for more time, which unfortunately, during that time, he met someone else. They tied the knot about a year later.

Specimen 3: The one who made me go hmmm

Time: Last month

Synopsis: An update on that entry. It turned out all that he was considering us getting together, which explained all that weird actions. To cut things short, I kinda blew him off initially. After thinking things over, I told him that we could give it a shot. But what’s done is done, and I couldn’t take back what I said before. He was in a depressed, suicidal mood just 2 weeks ago, telling me about how it’s hopeless coz he doesn’t think he can find someone now. But just a few days ago on facebook, I saw that his relationship status has changed! It’s someone he knew from childhood apparently.

So there you go. These are just the main ones I highlighted. There were a few others that I dated briefly who also got married to the next girl they dated.

Coincidence?

Of course la! I don’t believe I have such a curse (or gift, depending on how you see it. heh). It’s just uncanny, don’t you think?

november rain

dedicated to the month and the weather...

the video is somehow cut off at the end, but otherwise, enjoy this acoustic cover of the Guns N' Roses song :)

there is no sun and there is no sound

I awake to see no light shining bright through my window.
I awake to feel an empty beating and an empty room.
I awake to hear the sound of the silence with all of its sorrow.
I awake to smell the scent of something I know.
Something is missing. Something is not in its place. Something hurts.
Something, something, that something is you.


http://www.makeliterature.com/reviewing/storyline-7047

which is the way to a woman’s heart?

A colleague had turned up at the office with something he whipped up himself for everyone. It just so happened that I was on medical leave that very day. Fortunately, I still managed to get a taste of his culinary skills via his personal home delivery service that evening. Haha, yea, very sweet colleagues I have.

Anyway, I was relating it to my girlfriends. One of them asked, “Is the guy married or not?”. She seemed rather happy to entertain the idea of having a boyfriend who cooks well and I offered to introduce him to her. It was hilarious how the conversation evolved from there.

The topic then arose - everyone knows the phrase, “The way to man’s heart is through his stomach”. But what about us women? Which is the way to a woman’s heart?

And it seemed that my dear foodie girlfriends were both unanimous in their answers “Stomach!” But I refuse to take their answers seriously cos (1) they were feeling peckish (2) they were feeding their imagination of chef boyfriends serving up dishes of love and (3) we were obviously not taking things seriously.

When I asked them that question, I wasn’t thinking of a guy’s ability to whip up a storm in the kitchen...

Fact is, women are such complex cerebral creatures. What we don’t feel, what we don’t understand, we can never bring ourselves to do. We can lie to that busybody auntie to get her nose out of where it doesn’t belong, we can lie to that irritating friend just so he would stop bugging us but we just can’t lie to our hearts and order them be opened to just any Tom, Dick or Harry (even if he does possess some mean culinary skills).

So what would or could a guy do to win my heart? Later, I started asking myself questions…

How can I fall in love with a man if I can’t see something good in him?
How can I be touched by his actions if I can’t feel his sincerity?
How can I feel secure if I can’t taste his efforts and the fruits they bear?
How can I miss someone whose presence I’ve never smelled?
How can I share a fulfilling relationship with someone whom I can’t hear his thoughts, ideas and dreams?

And then I found my answer.


Of course I’m not representing all women in this, but yes, my take on which would be the way to a woman’s heart?

It would be through her senses.

single, desperate, ugly... not!

Two ads caught my eye in the papers last weekend. One was promoting a Dating Challenge, another on some Dating Treats promotion. Both were organised by the Social Development Network (that’s the new name for SDU, guess they got sick of the SingleDesperateUgly jokes). I’ve always seen ads and articles on the events and campaigns that SDU has been working on to ‘encourage’ us singletons to find a match and get married. Used to skim through their newsletters that was sent to my ex last time; I didn’t get it, coz apparently only full time grads from local unis are automatically enrolled.

I remembered being kinda peeved with the ‘discrimination’ (part-time grads don’t need help meh?) and having the impression that these events always have more women and most participants were not malays anyway. So I never bothered to check them out. But since jaded heart was asking about places to meet new people, I thought no harm in seeing if this is a viable channel. And I was kinda curious what kinda events they organised so I went to their webby to take a look.

They really have a lot of events going on… speed dating lunches, overseas trips, mass movie dates, charity events. But I get the feeling I’m not quite the right target audience. Most of the venues are at pubs or fine dining restaurants, and some are exclusively for Christian singles… so nah.

But a few caught my eye, like the street photography workshop and the paintball trip up to Johor. Not for the dating element, but it could be fun if you gather a few friends to go together.

After looking through the website, even though it shows how much effort our gahmen is putting into this, it all seems so… contrived to me. Blame it on the romantic comedies, sappy Korean drams or love songs that I’ve been exposed to, but maybe I’ve been conditioned to fall in love, as opposed to finding it at a “fun activity especially for SDN LoveByte Users that includes buffet dinner and free flow fruit punch.”

The best things happen when you least expect it, not when you purposely seek out for it in an SDU forum.

That’s just my two cents’ worth. Maybe this will work for others. I’m sure there are success stories that SDU can be proud of. But it’s just not for me. I’ll go back to hanging around the aisles of Border’s and trawling myspace for my husband-to-be. Heh, ok kidding.

Paintball, anyone?

all about signs

Taken from the shoppinglifestyle.com's article:

5 Body Language Clues He (Definitely) Likes You

SIGN #1: He flashes his brows and smiles when he sees you.

Body Language Decoder: Raised brows signal attraction: It's the universal sign of interest and it exists in every culture. In fact, some experts think it's the most recognized non-verbal sign of greeting used by humans. When we're attracted to someone, our eyebrows rise and fall subconsciously. And when the other person is similarly attracted, they raise their brows and smile in return. The whole exchange lasts less than a second, though, so it can be easy to miss unless you're looking out for it!

Bubble Decoder: So ladies, look out for ziana zain wannabe, in er, a man? Not too sure about this one... I thought the eyebrow raising thing is kinda like a universal gesture of acknowledgment and recognition? Like you see an acquaintance on the streets but he's not close enough for you guys to stop and chat. Cue the eyebrow-raising, with a slight wave of the hand, and walk on by. No? Maybe it's a different arch of the brows that we need to look out for? hmmm

SIGN #2: He points his body towards you.

Body Language Decoder: If he's across the room, take a peek at his hands and feet: We tend to point toward the object of our desire subsciously. When we find someone attractive, we'll often point (with our hands, feet or toes) toward that person. If you're engaging in a conversation with him sitting next to you, it's even easier to tell: If he leans slightly forward and keeps his shoulders and upper body squarely facing you, it shows that he's deeply interested in you and what you have to say.

Bubble Decoder: I read about how you will lean towards someone if you're interested in him, I guess it works both ways too. Just as long as he's not too close to encroach into my personal space, I'm fine :)

SIGN #3: He gazes at your lips while you're talking.

Body Language Decoder: Our eyes have a body language all their own. A major telltale sign of how we feel about someone is our gazing pattern: When we look at acquaintances, like at business meetings, we keep our gazes at eye-level, focusing on the other person's eyes and the bridge of the nose. With friends or someone we like, we hold our eye contact longer than usual and our gaze moves down to include the nose and mouth. And if he's romantically drawn to you, the look can further drop down to include parts of your body like the neck or shoulders. This type of intimate gaze conveys interest. It's as if he can't resist caressing the rest of your face and hair with his eyes, or he's imagining what it feels like to kiss you on the lips.

Bubble Decoder: This could be a lil creepy, depending on where he's looking. It'd better be above the neck...

SIGN #4: His pupils widen and he blinks more when looking at you.

Body Language Decoder: The size of our pupils adjusts according to two things: Light and attraction. It's a biological reaction we cannot control. Secretly compare his pupils and another person's (like your girlfriend if she's sitting beside you) in the same surroundings. If we're looking at a person we like, our pupils will dilate, so will our blink rate. The reason: When we're excited, our body releases more adrenaline which results in dilated pupils and faster blinks – the same physiological process that makes our heart pump faster and our knees weak!

Bubble Decoder: Wah, this is a tough one... how the heck am i gonna compare it someone else's? Or take a pic of him gazing? Definite no-no for men with nervous eyes :P

SIGN #5: He laughs at just about everything you say.

Body Language Decoder: If his eyebrows remain slightly raised while you're talking, it signals that he finds you fascinating. Another obvious sign that he likes you a lot: He nods, smiles, laughs and agrees with just about everything you say, including the silly stuff. He's not just being cordial – he's genuinely happy to be with you!

Bubble Decoder: aaww, i want a yes-man too!

so there you go, jaded. hope this helps you a bit. not sure if these are all true, i guess the only way is to ask a male friend or our male readers (are there any left??).

if all else fails, i think you should just follow your gut and women's intuition. if a guy is giving mixed signals and i cant read them, then i'd assume he's stringing me along.

a lazy friday entry

For the past hour, I’ve been fighting to keep my eyes open. A few times, I almost dozed off in front of the pc. It’s always during the magical hour between 3-4pm… looks like it’s gonna be an early friday night for me today.

Wanted to bubble an entry here but realised I’ve got nothing to write about! Pfft.

How about you, our fellow hearties and readers, tell me what you wanna know? Topics to raise, burning questions you wanna know about the hearties, what you hate/love to read about… anything la. As long as it doesn’t compromise our anonymity of cos :)

I know it’s cheating but I’m on a dry spell here, need some help to get those bubbling thoughts popping... heh.

Anyway, tgif peeps!

blackbird

It’s a rock ballad by Alter Bridge, so I guess not everyone would enjoy it as much as I do.

First heard the song during an extremely emotional period. Simply love the lyrics, the voice and the build up of melody… Somehow ‘Blackbird’ to me, represented my heart that had lost its way…

As I revisit the song, I’m praying hard for all my hearties…

May love return and our hearts never be broken again.




Can’t find the official video online, but I hope this will do.

the one who made me run (part II)

Have you ever reflected on something you did ages ago and wondered why the hell you even did it? Like why, why, why?

Well, that’s how I felt whenever I think back about Mr big eyes.
Ok… after my sprinting episode, he finally left me alone. Thank God... No more sudden appearances, no more staring, no more stalking, nothing. Months passed and he graduated. I no longer saw him around in school and I soon forgot all about him...

Until the day I met him again.

Was walking towards my usual bus stop when I spotted him standing there. We boarded the same bus but did nothing more than to give each other the eye of recognition.

It happened quite often after that but he never did anything that scared me so I soon decided that he was harmless. Only after crossing paths a few more times, he made small talk with me. It was no longer something lame like the weather but we sort of exchanged nuggets of information.

I can’t remember what happened in detail but oddly we became friends. Why, why why? I guess I remember thinking that he probably scared girls away with his looks and weird approaches and deduced that maybe all he needed was just a friend. I suppose that’s how I decided to give him a chance.

I have a pretty good memory but I can’t remember how or why I passed him my address. But it must have happened otherwise he wouldn’t have written me letters. Yea, yea… Why, why why? The irony of it… being pen pals with your ex-stalker.

Anyway, we kept in touch via letters, emails and even hung out a few times. I know, I know.. Why, why why? Well, until…

I invited him to an exhibition that I was a part of. He turned up. I thought it was rather nice of him and was appreciative about it but as I couldn’t bring him around myself, I advised him to look around by himself.

I remember this scene distinctly. I was standing with my friends when a friend pointed out to me, “Hey your friend’s been staring at you the whole time from upstairs”. I looked up and there was Mr big eyes, two levels above me, his big eyes fixated on me.

Realising that I have caught sight of him, he gave a slow wave.

I don’t know why but I froze that very minute. A familiar feeling started to creep up on me.

I suddenly recalled a time when he asked what perfume I applied. When I told him I didn’t apply any, he stood close to me and took a deep long sniff of my hair with his eyes closed.

I shuddered. The familiar feeling started to make sense...

It was fear.

You might think I’m silly but I never quite gotten over that fear. It creeped me out so bad that I avoided his calls, did not reply his emails and letters. In fact he was the original reason why I used pseudonyms online.

From that day on, it’s as though I suffered a short circuit in my memory. Imagine, I could remember the entire earlier scary experience of being stalked in school but couldn’t remember much of what happened during our friendship.

His last letter to me was a few years ago. He had just returned from the United States after five years and wanted to make contact again. I suppose he was trying his luck by sending me a letter.

I still remember his last letter… it was white and had tiny heart designs all around.

I never replied.

You could say I made myself scarce from his life.

quote of the day

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."

:)

single ladies

All the single ladies! Now put your hands up if you've caught Beyonce's original 'Single Ladies' music video. If you haven't, perhaps you might like to watch it here before you watch the second video below.

To watch the video above, click here.

the one who made me go hmmm

An old friend asked me out for dinner on sat night. Although I had no plans and was kinda bored myself, it was quite late, the weather was drizzly and my butt was heavy from inactivity during the fasting month (was holed up at home during the weekends baking cookies). So I ended up whining to him about how I wish he could fetch me and trying to psycho him to come over to my neighbourhood instead (to no avail). I noe, I must sound like a superbly spoilt brat to you now :P

At this point, he exclaimed, “macam mana la kau nak kawin macam ni?” Which translates to how are you gonna get married like this? What he meant was, he’s already asking me out and there I was, making excuses not to meet him.

Hmmm. Was this supposed to be a date?

Anyway, I asked him what’s there to do if we meet. Coz there was nothing good to catch at the movies, and it’s rather pointless to go out to town just to eat and then go back right?

His reply? “We should go out and do something we haven’t done before. And we should just let things happen.”

Hmmm. Should let WHAT happen?

This is one guy I’ve known for about 3 years now, on a purely platonic basis. He’s sorta like my online punching bag… someone to complain and rant to when I’m not happy about something. It’s not like I’m bullying or using him, really! He’s just the perfect candidate coz HE’S got a lot of grouses of his own which he heaps on me. Without me realising it (no thanks to my goldfish-short term memory), I’ve unloaded to him about my family, work, exbfs, bad dates and the many awful days I went through over the years we’ve known each other.

For me, I just let off steam by typing whatever comes to my mind when I see him online. Also coz he’s always online no matter what time of day it is. Random thoughts, daily whingeing about everything and nothing in particular at times; things I never thought would see the light of day after that.

To my surprise, I realised recently that he remembers most of the stuff I’ve been telling him. Of coz, there are the notable bad dates that he never fails to bring up (some are so bad, who could forget??). But there are also other details that I don’t recall ever telling him.

In recent weeks, he’s been telling me stuff that I told him before which made me go, “did I tell u that??” and “how the hell do you remember all these stuff that I told u eons ago??”

As I type this, I am recalling another convo we had a few weeks ago. I cant remember what we were talking about but it came to a point when he said that we never got to start anything coz we were always involved/interested in someone else at one point or another.

Cue my third hmmm moment. Start WHAT?

Then, just a few nights ago on msn, he started asking me weird questions. Like, would you invite me if u got married. When I replied yes, he said, “ok, so we’re in the friends zone.”

Next question: “Would you date me if I wasn’t an asshole?”

HMMMMMM. I never considered that an option and I told him as much. Jokingly, I said it’s also coz he will always be an asshole, so that probability is zero. Heh. He seemed contented with that answer, saying that it’s good to know where he stands hypothetically. So that was that.

Maybe I’m reading too much into this. Anyway, whatever la. All I know is that I just treat him as a friend. No other thoughts other than… say it all together now… hmmmmm.

chemical learning

the relationships in chemistry or the chemistry in relationships?
hehe enjoy the video below

the test

We often hear ppl say that the course of true love never runs smooth. And that you have to overcome obstacles before you find bliss at the end of the line. That hardships will give way to happiness eventually. That if we just hold on and persevere, we shall be rewarded with a love that stood the test of time and troubled waters, making it that much sweeter.

On the other hand, I’ve been personally told that if the person is not right for you, then some sort of higher power will not make that path easy for you. That we should take these obstacles as ‘signs’ that things are not meant to be. Cos if he’s the right person for you, the road wouldn’t be paved with endless problems.

So which is which? Someone said that if you’re meant to be with someone, there are bound to be obstacles but you will eventually come out of them or are able to solve them together, making your relationship stronger.

So we must figure out if these obstacles are ‘solvable’ or not, to determine if we should hold on or let go?

I never found out. But let go anyway.

How about you?

struck

to watch the video, click here.

the one who visited my house

the one who had little to say was introduced by a close family friend; he's actually the younger brother of this lady who's very close to my mom.

given the close ties my parents have with their family, it's a sticky situation and both families have been pushing very hard for this to go through. that means i cant just turn down or cease contact with him even though theres no chemistry betw us and i dun see myself going further in this.

it's been over a year since we were introduced, with about 4 dates under our belt, once-in-a-blue-moon smses and still, zero phonecalls. the one similarity i see with him is that we're both shy with people we're not comfortable with and we take a very long time to warm up to people. usually similarities are a good thing isnt it? but in this situation, it's kinda detrimental and makes it quite impossible for us to take this further.

i voiced out my concerns to my parents; but they still insist that i should maintain that minimum contact we have and try to keep this going. nevertheless, sensing that this really isnt going anywhere, my mom half-jokingly told that family friend that if nothing happens by this hari raya, it's a no-go.

obviously, i have been secretly wishing that NOTHING happens but, whaddya noe, just this afternoon, my mom told me that his family will be coming round our place for visiting..... *dread*

so how was it? awkwardness to the max la!

i'm not the super friendly type, nor am i the chatty hostess who can make small talk with guests who come to my house. usually, tat's my parent's job and i'll be helping out in the kitchen. even with my close relatives, i do the same.

but suddenly, today, i was expected to sit beside this guy and make small talk in front of his family (which btw, comprised of his mom, elder brother, his wife and 3 kids, his sister and her husband).

how am i supposed to talk to him in front of our families when we hardly talk when we were alone? the seat beside him at the dining table was always somehow empty, and his sister and my mom kept asking me to sit down. riiiight... and do what?? nt wanting to appear rude, i just smiled at their 'requests'.

i didnt even say a word to him the whole time they were here. heck, i didnt say anything to anyone actually! hehe. but as they were leaving, i just said my thanks to him for coming over and asked a qn or two on how he's doing (at the door!).

sigh. it was so weird la. i dunno why other people cant see that this whole thing wont go anywhere. just coz someone is nice, has a good family background and stable job, doesnt mean that its so easy to get married to them. when 2 people are introduced, isnt it common sense to understand that there is a chance that it wont work out, even tho there are no major differences or factors involved? when a 'matchmake' like this is arranged, is it impossible to get out of? the worse thing is, i dun see him being so excited or psyched about this whole thing either. it's the families who have been pushing us, telling me that "he's interested but he's just shy", and trying to point out 'signs' that he's keen on this.

but even if he is, i'm not!

i noe i said that i'd give this a shot. but it's so so sooo hard when ur heart is just not into it. saying no is not an option, too. i noe, i tried it already.

i'm at my wit's end here. i guess all i can do now is to take each day at a time, stay as non-commital as possible and see how things go.

of blushes and silly grins

the breath stolen
the heart aflutter
a single moment
of multiple heartbeats
while the rush lived
as long as it lasted



...

love detector

I’m loving the sexy graphics of Love Detector*.

Wouldn’t you wish such a device truly existed?



* love detector is an entertainment iphone app developed by longneck

selamat hari raya

Here's wishing all fellow Muslim hearties and readers a Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri :)

Let's relish the quality time spent with loved ones and close friends.

Be happy.
Be merry.
And beware of mark-chicks.

hairy, hairy, quite contrary

I boarded the MRT earlier than usual today, mentally prepared for the selfish, annoying passengers amongst the rush hour crowd.

As expected, there were no empty seats. I stood holding a pole and looked around when my gaze landed on a head of hair a few steps in front of me.

Against the glass window, the head of hair glistened. It was a lady’s head of hair. Her hair was long, oily and tied untidily, exposing unwashed scalp. I could see white specks of dandruff clearly from my view.

In my silent disgust, I wondered how anyone could neglect his or her personal hygiene. I was seriously appalled especially cos this was a lady!

I cruelly wondered if she could find herself a husband should she continue to walk around in that state. Would any man be attracted to her?

My eyes bore through silhouettes and I observed her t-shirt, her sleeve, her arm, her hand…

Hold it!

Her fingers were entwined in another person’s hand. My eyes shot up, trying to see the person standing next to her…

It was a man. Her boyfriend? Husband?

Well, her male partner's head of hair wasn’t any better. It was dishevelled, exposing his scalp here and there, obviously unstyled from the moment he stepped out of bed. He didn't even look like he had showered.

They sure were made for each other.

L-O-V-E (part II)

The following was a comment contributed by our reader, Vanilla, in response to plastered heart's post. We felt and thought (no heart and mind battle there!) that it deserves its own published space. :)


L-O-V-E, oh what do we all know about it, right?
It comes in different shapes, forms, sizes, colours, smiles, prayers, kisses, words, almost anything you can imagine. I've concluded for myself, to love is not to reason. And love never really has a reason. When we love something or someone, we just do. We don't need reason to love, nor does love need any reason. It's a feeling. It's here (touches the heart).

Somewhere in this process, the mind suddenly reappears to remind you - 'hey you, don't forget me!'. And there you go - we start to justify or give explanations to certain things which never did require any of those. When we need to rationalise love, then at best what we can have is a relationship. Someone once shared this previous line with me, till today it's tattooed in me.

I guess, it's a habit to think after we feel. Sometimes that spoils the pure beauty of a simple sensation called 'F-E-E-L'. Special things behold unexplainable understanding. Sometimes the tendency to think too much is pretty high on the scale, then it becomes a bloody pain and a tumour at the back of our mind. So I quit thinking when i'm feeling, especially when in love, still loving or loved before. It never made any sense in the first place.

I thought I could rationalise so that I know how to justify what I'm doing or why I'm feeling this and that. Is it because of hidden insecurity, just a habit or guilt of not using the brain, or whatever it may be - I gave up, it doesn't matter.

So some will say, I'm being naive or don't be stupid by letting your emotions get over you, and be driven to a state madness. Some will say, love is blind or love only sees what it wants to see. Sometimes, it's darn tiring to always hear what others have to say. Well, I've learnt and want to trust my heart. If it fails me, so be it. Get up and walk again. And, I don't mean to completely leave behind the mind totally, of course.

Now now now, Hearties, this perpetual war between mind and heart; reasoning and feeling; logic and sense, rationale and baseless; and what-have-you, shall be a whole lifetime affair it seems! I may have been through the thickest of such battle that it almost drove me completely nuts, it bashes me to the bone, and gooossshhhh I was like the world's most miserable-looking-thing! I'm better now (or so i believe). It can be depressing because you're constantly fighting with that inner voice of both the heart and mind.

Can u imagine when two voices are trying to compete for your attention at the same time, and justifying to you why one is superior than the other? It's insane!

Try listening to 'Have You Ever Been in Love' by Celine Dion.

I love it.

everything men know about women

"Famed psychologist Alan Lowell Francis has written a landmark book on men's understanding of the most complex of all creatures - women. Based on years of research and interviews with thousands of men from all walks of life, he presents the most complete picture ever revealed of men's knowledge of their opposite sex. Fiercely frank and brilliantly insightful, this work spells out everything men know about such topics as:

• making friends with women
• romancing women
• achieving emotional intimacy with women
• making commitments to women
• satisfying women in bed

image from maniacworld

conditions of love

"we particularly relish in the other precisely the qualities that we lack ourselves. it would be absurd to crave what you already possess. in loving the other, we can come by to possess these qualities."

while i was cleaning out my closet yesterday, i came across this old diary i kept. one entry dated 21 nov 04 had a few quotes from this book conditions of love, by john armstrong. i remember reading it a few days after i broke up. it was a time of loss and trying to come to terms with what just happened, what went wrong. i guess i was trying to get some answers from this thin paperback from borders. hah.

the reason i jotted this quote down was coz reading it made me realise how true it is (for my case, at least). even now, as i reflect back on the guys i liked after 2004, it's still true.

the attributes that attract me to the guys i like are those that i dun possess myself. we love someone in the hope that what we love in them will rub on us, somehow. i think it makes sense, just that we dont do it consciously, just on a subconscious level.

say, my first ex... he's confident, speaks and writes well, a literary whiz to my then-17 year old self. one of the first things i loved about him was that he had a way with words, which i was (and still) a sucker for. it is what i aspire to be, so it could be one of the factors that made me fall in love then.

more recently, a co-worker i have a teeny crush on. he's my age, and yet he's already a manager, handling huge projects and with a team under him. on top of that, he has his own little entertainment company that he manages at night, something that he does simply coz he loves it. his passion to work and play just as hard is what i like about him, coz maybe im not someone whos so driven like him. of coz, he's kinda cute too :P

another one is this guy i met 3 yrs ago. he's one adventurous bugger, the kind who cant sit still and needs his adrenaline fix all the time. he regaled to me his dirt biking days, the times he went camping outdoors, cycling all around singapore, riding out to malaysia every other week, and how he's taken probably 20 part time jobs in his youth... as i sat there open-mouthed at how much he's done. again, it just amazes me how passionate and driven someone can be, something that's almost alien to one who's in a constant state of inertia as me :)

anyway, this could only be true for me, i dunno.

why not you guys reflect on this and tell me if it's the same for you.

the way I am

I'm in love with this song.

Listen to her smooth vocals:
"The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson



...................................................................................

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

the one who made me run

This happened back when I was still studying. Yes, it’s an old story but my encounter with Mr big eyes left me haunted even till today. I was reminded of this when I recently spotted someone who looked like him.

I was making my way home from the bus interchange one day when I noticed in front of me, a tall guy whom I recognized as a senior in my school.

There was light drizzle but as my steps, at its usual speed were rather quick, I didn’t let the slight patter bother me. Pretty soon, I almost overtook the guy.

Suddenly, he stopped in his tracks in front of me. He held his hand out to feel the drops of rain on the skin of his palm and turned to me. “It’s raining,” he said.

I just nodded.

I continued walking. So did he, right next to me, matching my steps while trying to make conversation with me. I can’t remember the conversation that ensued but I’m sure it wasn’t much and that it was mainly a question and answer session with me trying to be polite.

By the time I had covered about two-thirds of my journey home, he was still walking next to me. He told me where he stayed (which was only a few blocks before mine!) and asked where I stayed. I lied and pointed to a block neighbouring mine. I just wasn’t comfortable in telling him where I stayed.

We parted ways when we reached near his block and I made my way home quickly, all the while making sure I wasn’t being followed.

He appeared again another day and walked next to me when I was walking home. I pretended to be cool when deep down I felt really uncomfortable.

Then suddenly the ordeal began. I never failed to catch him and his big eyes staring at me amongst any crowd in school. He was somehow always in sight at the canteen or corridor or quadrangle. You name it - somewhere, somehow and always. Even when I stayed beyond the normal school hours, he could be seen lurking around the school compound.

I was freaked out.

And I had every reason to.

Once, when I spotted him at one end of the canteen, my friend and I made our way to the back of the canteen and dashed to the other end of the canteen, unobstructed. When we reached the OTHER end, he was already there! It was insanely terrifying.

How on earth did he make his way across so fast through the crowded canteen, I don’t know. But I knew I was scared shitless.

Every day I was in fear of being followed.

One day, my friend and I boarded the bus and he was already seated there! After my friend alighted at her bus stop, I deliberated on what I should do.

To my relief, he stood up and alighted way before we reached the interchange. I thought to myself, perhaps I had been too paranoid. He wasn’t following me. Maybe it was mere coincidence all along.

Feeling a lot calmer, I made my way home the usual way. Well, actually, there was only ONE way I could walk home from the bus interchange.

To my horror, he appeared right beside me out of the blue! And I hadn’t even noticed where he came from!

My mind wondered how the hell he could have reached the same place at the same time when he alighted many stops earlier. It just didn’t make any sense!

He tried to make conversation again, but this time I just walked away. I crossed the road to the pavement on the opposite side. But I could still feel him observing me. From the corner of my eye I could see that he was matching his steps to mine.

I was terrified but I decided that I couldn’t possibly walk home. My block was situated at the end of the straight road. It wasn’t as though I could weave my way in and out of blocks of flats and try to lose him.

The quicker I walked, the faster my heart beat. It felt like it was expanding with every beat and was rising up to my throat to choke the life out of me.

Before I understood what I was doing, my legs lifted themselves and started to run. I ran like I had never run before, not towards home but as far as I could and away from that area.

And I stayed away for some time before I decided to make my way home again.


to be continued

the ones who played peekaboo

I’m reading the time traveller’s wife now. Such a lovely read, also coz im a sucker for good narratives. It’s a story of a man who time travels (duh!) and his wife who has to wait for him to come back whenever he disappears into the past/future. Time-tripping husband has no control over his disability/power and is unwillingly sucked into different time zones whenever he gets too emotional or sometimes, for no reason at all. His solidly-present spouse has the unenviable task of worrying for his safety til he returns coz time travel isn’t all that breezy (I wont disclose too much info, lest you call ‘Spoiler!’).

Anyway, reading this just reminded me of the time traveller-wannabes I’ve come across who also pop in and out mysteriously. I seem to know a number of this species of males who come and go as they please. For a week or two, they can be constantly smsing or calling me, asking me out. And suddenly, *poof*! Disappear for a few months, appear again out of the blue. Repeat cycle.

The one who was my best friend was the first of these males I encountered, back when we were friends. If there’s a hiatus from his daily calls, it could only mean one thing. He was attached. But his absence wasn’t too bad, he’d only be gone for at most a week or two (as long as his prev rships went. heh).

So from there, whenever the guys I know run AWOL on me, I’d just assume they got attached or are distracted with someone else. For some, I’d assume that they’re in some kinda accident or got into trouble and thrown into jail. Yeah I know, don’t you just love the optimism in me? :)

Recently, I had an experience with 2 different guys who said they wanted to meet me on a certain day (not on the same day of coz). The day came and no word, call or sms from them. Maybe something cropped up and they couldn’t make it or even sms to tell me... so I didn’t call them to bug. Weeks pass and still no word. Ok, I can take a hint. Above scenarios run through my mind and I forget about it.

But lo and behold, some moons later, these 2 guys make their re-appearing act. Just a nonchalant sms or MSN, “I’m back. Wanna meet?” or “So long never hear from you. How are you?”, like nothing happened.

Hmmmmm. Maybe I was overreacting? Maybe I misunderstood them and they DIDN’T say they want to meet?

I dunno. I stopped wondering long before they came back. Let’s see how long they can stay in my presence before they disappear again.