the break up

Its been over 3 yrs. The journey has been most fulfilling, full of highs and lows, lots of laughter and tears,and just as many glorious winning moments as there are weary battles lost. But the relationship is slowly becoming... stifling. Too clingy, too dependent. Not enough room to breathe. Suddenly, things that I'd do out of passion became an obligation. And that sense of dread in the pit of my stomach to face another day, to face you. Never a good sign. The thought of leaving crossed my mind, but I never had the courage to actually do it. A fear of the unknown? And if I could find someone who could treat me as well as you do?

Then something unexpected comes along. A long lost contact, a familiar voice calls me up with an offer to pick up where we left before. One meeting was all it took to make me reconsider my options. Against well-intended advice from friends and family, I felt it's time to move on.

Breaking the news was awkward, because I never showed signs of unhappiness. Always with a ready smile, never complaining. It came as a shocker, I'm sure. At first acceptance, and then came the slow talk.

"What can I do to make you stay?" he asked. I knew he genuinely wanted me there.

To my utter disbelief, he made me an offer I find hard to resist. It's what I always wanted, dangling in front of me. But it means staying for all the wrong reasons. The reasons to leave will still be there, the nagging, little problems that sowed seeds of my discontent will persist. And yet, he promises me a better future, that things will get better, to just give him a little more time.

This is of course, a safer path to take. A route I've traversed for years and for all its problems, one that I'm comfortable with.

On the other hand, there is someone waiting for my answer. Or rather, already assuming I will say yes. Sure, it's not exciting as what I'm used to now, but I can expect stability, and a fresh start, which I really need badly now.

So what now? I hate dilemmas.

How I wish my love life is as exciting as my work life, and instead of managers, men fight for me. Pfft!

my momma said...

this was one of the first lessons my mother taught me (one that i can recall anyway). i remember her saying this to me when i was very young, probably when i wasn't even in primary school yet.

jangan suka-suka sangat, nanti jadi duka.

which literally translates to "don't be too happy, or else you'll be sad later."

she always said it when i was laughing very hard about something. or sometimes to people who made babies laugh too much. she would tell them to stop it, or else something will surely make them cry in a while.

i thought it's a very odd warning, still do. but it has rubbed off me somehow.

whenever i feel happy for no reason (don't you get one of those days?) or am excited over something, i always catch myself and my mother's words will ring a warning bell in my head. it's like an emergency brake on my joy, not to overdo it, as if there is a limit to all the happiness and when it runs out, sadness will come pouring in.

not sure if it's a self fulfilling prophecy, but sometimes it does happen to me.

so on those rare occasions i get an emotional high, it's always mingled with a touch of fear and worry. coz when the good times are here, i always get the feeling that the bad ones are near too.

like now.

it's inexplicable, but i've been feeling kinda light-hearted and smiley these few days. probably it's cos most of my major events are now over, thankfully. it just feels so good to get a breather, and just spend some me time - reading books, catching up on the news, watching crappy tv.

i'm.... happy. my heart feels lighter, it seems so much easier to smile. and it kinda worries me.

lol. weird huh?

let me know if there's anyone else who shares this same theory or tell me how i can get over this strange fear of happiness.

still alive, just dormant

I can’t sleep… despite knowing that tomorrow’s gonna be a looong day. So yea, here I am trying to bubble. Geee… bh was right. We’ve really been bad, bad hearties.

But but… to be fair, even my personal blog was sorely neglected. Then again maybe I’m not such a bad heartie considering my last written entry was 3 posts ago :P (shame on you, bh!)

Ok ok shan’t stress her out.

Bubbling should NEVER be an obligation.
It’s a popping stress-reliever!

Okaay… a sudden wave of sleepiness just hit me. I’d better seize the moment and hit the sack before I lose it.

I apologise for this skimpy entry, but believe me, I had such big plans when I switched on the computer.

Sigh bh… Are we the only ones up to our eyebrows?

in the arms of an angel

I would rather have had
one breath of her hair
one kiss of her mouth
one touch of her hand
than an eternity without it.
One.
               city of angels

love the show and ost but hate the ending nevertheless.

conversations with myself

I'm really bad at saying no.

When I really wanna turn someone down, or when asked to do something I don't like, that simple two-letter word isn't that simple to say out at all. It takes a lot of beating around the bush, going round and round, before I can get my message across... most times, I fail and end up saying yes instead. So I gave up trying to say no and just silently protest.

Recently, I did say it.

NO, I can't do this.

NO, I really tried.

NO, I think this is a bad idea.

What do you know, even when it does come out of my mouth, it doesn't work.

NO, this isn't acceptable.

NO, YOU have to try harder.

NO, I won't take no for an answer.

What am I to do? I begin to second guess myself. Maybe saying 'no' is a bad idea. Besides, all they have is my interest at heart. Maybe, I should push myself to say yes instead. If everyone thinks it's such a good idea, it has to be.

YES, I can do it.

YES, I will try again.

YES, even though my heart says no.

The heart could be wrong. Based on past experience, it hasn't been that reliable and is prone to make overly emotional decisions, with pretty dire consequences. Maybe this time, I shouldn't listen to it too much. Anyway, apart from saying no, it really hasn't said much. Maybe it's just gotten into a bad habit to saying 'no'. It's time to train it to say yes now.

Not all decisions can be made based on what your heart says.

Say, when you're setting up a company and looking for a suitable business partner. What do you look for? You don't just go for someone whose face you like, who gives you a good 'vibe' and who says nice things to you right? Who knows, that glib talker might be out to swindle you. This partner-to-be has to have a stable background, good financial history, no criminal records, etc... someone you can depend on. From there, it's easier to establish a partnership that will last. Yes, that makes perfect sense.

All that has to be done now, is to hope and pray that this stubborn barren heart learns to open up again and finally say yes.

bubblewrapped and bored

random 1:

Bubblewrap my heart and keep it from harm’s way

May it repel any pokes, prods and unpleasantries

Cushioned in pockets of air, let no fall crack it

Enveloped in a plastic cocoon, where no sadness can reach it

A place of no warmth; where sunshine stifles

With no reprieve from the shackles

Of time lost and chances wasted.

Will there ever come a time

When there’s no need for this absolute protection

Imagine a day

The bubbles are popped one by one

Leaving the heart open, exposed, waiting to be filled again.

Such sweet, sweet release.

random 2:

Found a piece of bubblewrap in the store room and now popping it while surfing. Great stress-cum-boredom reliever