Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Sunday, September 5, 2010

quote of the day

When you're faced with a dilemma...
Just toss a coin...
not because it will help you decide...
but because you will then learn what your heart is hoping for
while the coin is in the air.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

the break up

Its been over 3 yrs. The journey has been most fulfilling, full of highs and lows, lots of laughter and tears,and just as many glorious winning moments as there are weary battles lost. But the relationship is slowly becoming... stifling. Too clingy, too dependent. Not enough room to breathe. Suddenly, things that I'd do out of passion became an obligation. And that sense of dread in the pit of my stomach to face another day, to face you. Never a good sign. The thought of leaving crossed my mind, but I never had the courage to actually do it. A fear of the unknown? And if I could find someone who could treat me as well as you do?

Then something unexpected comes along. A long lost contact, a familiar voice calls me up with an offer to pick up where we left before. One meeting was all it took to make me reconsider my options. Against well-intended advice from friends and family, I felt it's time to move on.

Breaking the news was awkward, because I never showed signs of unhappiness. Always with a ready smile, never complaining. It came as a shocker, I'm sure. At first acceptance, and then came the slow talk.

"What can I do to make you stay?" he asked. I knew he genuinely wanted me there.

To my utter disbelief, he made me an offer I find hard to resist. It's what I always wanted, dangling in front of me. But it means staying for all the wrong reasons. The reasons to leave will still be there, the nagging, little problems that sowed seeds of my discontent will persist. And yet, he promises me a better future, that things will get better, to just give him a little more time.

This is of course, a safer path to take. A route I've traversed for years and for all its problems, one that I'm comfortable with.

On the other hand, there is someone waiting for my answer. Or rather, already assuming I will say yes. Sure, it's not exciting as what I'm used to now, but I can expect stability, and a fresh start, which I really need badly now.

So what now? I hate dilemmas.

How I wish my love life is as exciting as my work life, and instead of managers, men fight for me. Pfft!

Monday, August 9, 2010

fear & trembling

Once upon a time, a young lad was madly in love with a princess. But
his love for his damsel cannot be fulfilled. The man has three
choices; either be a slave, a knight of infinite resignation or a
knight of faith.

The slave will bemoan the loss of his love, screaming of the

foolishness of love. He will be dejected and abandon this love.

The knight of infinite resignation will not give up his love for the

princess, but he accepts that they will never be together in this
life. Instead, he keeps the memory of his love for the princess and
this becomes his sustenance for life. He is kept going by the
beautiful memories of the princess and his unfulfilled love. The
knight of infinity may or may not believe that they may be together in
another life or in spirit, but what's important is that the knight of
infinity gives up on their being together in this world; in this life.

The knight of faith goes a step further than this. He believes that he

will get her, by virtue of the absurd. The knight of faith is willing
to believe that they will be together through divine possibility. The
knight is the individual who is able to gracefully embrace life
through his acceptance and leap of faith in the impossible.

Most people live dejectedly in worldly sorrow and joy; they are the

ones who sit along the wall and do not join in the dance (slaves). The
knights of infinity are dancers and possess elevation. They make the
movements upward, and fall down again; and this too is no mean
pastime, nor ungraceful to behold. But whenever they fall down they
are not able at once to assume the posture, they waver for an instant,
and this instability shows that after all they are human like the rest
of us.

One need not look at them when they are up in the air, but only the

instant they touch or have touched the ground–then one recognizes
them. But to be able to fall down in such a way that the same second
it looks as if one were standing and walking, to transform the leap of
life into a walk, absolutely to express the sublime in the
pedestrian–that only the knight of faith can do.

So which would you be?

~ adapted from fear & trembling, by soren kierkegaard

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

my momma said...

this was one of the first lessons my mother taught me (one that i can recall anyway). i remember her saying this to me when i was very young, probably when i wasn't even in primary school yet.

jangan suka-suka sangat, nanti jadi duka.

which literally translates to "don't be too happy, or else you'll be sad later."

she always said it when i was laughing very hard about something. or sometimes to people who made babies laugh too much. she would tell them to stop it, or else something will surely make them cry in a while.

i thought it's a very odd warning, still do. but it has rubbed off me somehow.

whenever i feel happy for no reason (don't you get one of those days?) or am excited over something, i always catch myself and my mother's words will ring a warning bell in my head. it's like an emergency brake on my joy, not to overdo it, as if there is a limit to all the happiness and when it runs out, sadness will come pouring in.

not sure if it's a self fulfilling prophecy, but sometimes it does happen to me.

so on those rare occasions i get an emotional high, it's always mingled with a touch of fear and worry. coz when the good times are here, i always get the feeling that the bad ones are near too.

like now.

it's inexplicable, but i've been feeling kinda light-hearted and smiley these few days. probably it's cos most of my major events are now over, thankfully. it just feels so good to get a breather, and just spend some me time - reading books, catching up on the news, watching crappy tv.

i'm.... happy. my heart feels lighter, it seems so much easier to smile. and it kinda worries me.

lol. weird huh?

let me know if there's anyone else who shares this same theory or tell me how i can get over this strange fear of happiness.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Thursday, May 20, 2010

the one that got away

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with…and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little nice ties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flash point of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come.

Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?”

That’s what the one that got away is, the biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her ever so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens… Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different.

What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple…find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee, ask her out for a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.” You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference.

If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”

by Mark J. Macapagal

something i came across and thought it's nice to share coz i couldnt agree more or said it better. i think most of us have experienced this... pondering about the what ifs, and could haves. one can go mad thinking about it, but i guess what's important is acknowledging that everything happens for a reason. and how ever the situation turns out, it's always a consequence of your own actions, so no regrets :)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

teenage love affair

contributed by one of our readers, anonymous heart

I was fourteen. Young, naïve, and juvenile. All I wanted was an older boyfriend. Of course I needed to have an older boyfriend. All my friends had boyfriends who were older than them – and at that time, I thought it was “cool”.

My self-esteem was at an all-time low. Compared to my friends, I had no admirers chasing after me, asking for my number or just wanting to get to know me. I was the “ugliest” lot amongst my four best friends. My hair was thick and there’s nothing attractive about my facial features. I had bee-stung lips (and I still do now) and people say I was way too skinny for their liking. Walking skeleton, some might say.

Quoting from a popular girl in my class, “Guys like girls with some junk in the trunk.” (read: big boobs, ogle-worthy derriere, curvaceous silhouette) Obviously I didn’t fit into that category. I was flat-chested and I still wore a training bra. Oh well. No one will ever like me, I thought to myself.

Then entered Syam, a handsome and tall 20 year old whom I met through a mutual friend. I was attracted to him the moment this mutual friend introduced us to each other. What’s not to like about him? He’s

  1. good-looking even though he’s donning nerdy spectacles
  2. taller than me (though I’m not so tall myself. But guys like girls shorter and smaller than them, right?)
  3. 6 years older than me (hello? I need to have somebody older than me, not the same age as me)

I was beyond ecstatic when Syam text-messaged me, saying that he would like to get to know me better. I already envisioned of us holding hands by the beach as a couple. I know. Far-fetched.

One thing led to another. And the next thing I knew, Syam expressed his feelings for me and would like to “propose” me to be his dearly girlfriend. I was on cloud nine.

Yay! I have got a boyfriend now! I smiled to myself. It felt good showing him off to my friends. Every time he fetched me, waiting for me at the void deck near my school, I felt really special. Now all my school mates who dubbed me as “not pretty” will know that I do have a boyfriend after all. Older boyfriend. It made me feel like I am a mature individual already.

One Sunday afternoon, we were eating Mee Soto at Ayer Rajah Food Centre with his friend Fazlee and Fazlee’s girlfriend, Seri. (Ever since I officially became Syam’s girlfriend, we frequently hung out with Fazlee and Seri. So-called double date). While eating, Syam rummaged through his sling bag and took out the set of photos that he just retrieved from a photo developing shop this morning. It was his Hari Raya pictures. His family and him. There he was. Standing beside his mother, who was seated beside his father. His sisters were standing behind their parents and there was a cute baby in his mother’s arms.

“Awww…look at your baby brother. How adorable! He looks just like you,” I purred.

“How old is he? There must be a huge difference in your age gap lah!” I added. Syam just kept silent for a few moments while I browsed through his set of pictures.

“Actually… That little boy is my son,” Syam finally voiced out.

What??!! I stared at him, flabbergasted. Turns out that it was his lovechild with his previous girlfriend. Apparently his ex-girlfriend didn’t want to take care of their child after giving birth. Syam had no choice but to take care of the baby (or rather, Syam’s mother).

It was a shocking truth for a fourteen-year-old like me to handle. This was my first real boyfriend for goodness sake. After his so-called confession, things were definitely different between us.

He even asked me, “Will you still accept me? With my son? Are you willing to be his step-mother?”

I was like, woah. Hang in there boy. I’m just fourteen, still young and carefree, our relationship are still considered new. I didn’t even know if I even want to marry you in the future. I mean, I like you very much and all (like, not love yet), but let’s take things one step at a time. So I just plastered a fake smile on my face.

Few weeks went by. We began to see each other less frequently – to a point where he didn’t call or message me at all. I called and left him dozens of messages, but to no avail.

What happened to him? My little heart wondered.That was when I received a text-message from him. Speaking of the devil, I thought.

Syam: For these past few days when I didn’t sms you, I’ve been going through a lot of thinking. My mom is fed up with me because she’s the one who has to take care of my son, not me. Two days ago my parents went to my ex’s place to meet with her parents. They want us to get married.

Right. This was a hint for me to go. I’m not going to be the third wheel in someone’s marriage (or someone who’s about to get married). Right on that moment I told him that I like him and everything, but we have to end our relationship there and then. I was furious with him for being such a coward. Why did he have to avoid me before telling me the reason for his silence? And break-up over the phone? He’s not a man enough to see me face-to-face. Jerk.

Of course when I think back, How silly of me. Maybe he was just finding a reason to dump me, so he cooked up a very big lie just to get rid of me. But now, it doesn’t matter. It’s from these experience that we learnt, and it made us a stronger person than we were before. I’m glad this happened, by the way. If I’m still stuck with that joker, I think I won’t be happy and I would be deceived by all his stupid lies.

Now, when I saw young schoolgirls displaying public displays of affection with their older boyfriends (I can tell because the girl is wearing her secondary school uniform and the boy is wearing his ITE uniform), I smiled to myself. I was in their position before. So naïve and yet so desperate to have a boyfriend, being intimate in public, ignoring the disapproving glances from passers-by… I cringed at the thought of that.

Well readers. That was my story. About a young teenage love experienced by yours truly.

Hope the intricate details will make you feel as if you’re in my shoes while reading it. And oh. All the names have been changed to protect every stakeholder’s confidentiality.

Friday, April 16, 2010

5 Ways Facebook Changed Dating (For the Worse)

Thought I'd quickly bubble an article I just read...

Facebook can mess up your life in a whole bunch of ways. It can get you fired or evicted, plunge you into debt with its addictive games, and even (yeah, right) infect you with syphilis. We wouldn’t look at all of those as serious threats, but we all know from experience that one threat is real: Facebook makes dating far more complicated than it used to be.

You can use Facebook’s privacy settings to mitigate the pains, and you can even make an impossible-to-maintain rule that you won’t accept friend requests from people you’re dating, but it’s almost guaranteed that Facebook will somehow catch up to your budding relationship and challenge it with some confusion eventually.

The site can be a boon for dating in some ways too, of course, but for now we’re talking about how it makes things complicated. Here are five ways that Facebook’s erosion of personal boundaries and privacy has made finding security in love and sex more difficult.

1. Overanalyzing Will Drive You Crazy

He posted on your wall four times today — does that mean he’s too into you? She keeps posting status updates about the cute guys in her office — should you be worried that you’ll be outdone? You’ve hardly seen any updates on his profile since you had a fight — is he hiding the updates from you, is he so depressed that he’s not engaging, or is it just a coincidence? Why does she keep untagging herself from photos with you in them?

If you’re already feeling insecure or suspicious, your partner’s Facebook feed will contribute about ten gallons of gasoline to it.

It’s obviously best not to indulge any obsessive or stalking behaviors, but love (and lust) drive people to do silly things. Sometimes you just can’t help but wonder what this or that update means for your relationship. Chances are it means nothing, but that won’t stop those nagging insecurities.

2. You See All the Action Your Ex Is Getting

That guy just posted on her wall thanking her for the wonderful time they had last night, but she just broke up with you last week. Man, that smarts.

Most of the items on this list have something to do with privacy. In this case, it’s not your privacy, it’s hers. It’s tough to get over someone you’ve just lost, but it’s even harder when you know she’s having a smashing time without you. Facebook makes sure of that.

Maybe it’s important for Facebook users to carefully watch their feeds to make sure that nothing comes up that will cause any hurt to any exes, or maybe their exes are responsible for clicking “hide” in the news feed until they’re over it. If at least one of those things doesn’t happen, it can get painful for one person, minimum.

3. Relationships and Breakups Are Public

Dramatized in the above scene from the CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory, it’s the most classic Facebook dating dilemma: Who pulls the trigger to make a relationship official on Facebook first? It would be embarrassing to declare yourself to be in a relationship if your (you thought) significant other doesn’t reciprocate.

Changing Facebook relationship status has, for better or worse, joined first date, first kiss, first night together, exclusivity talk, and first “I love you” on the list of important relationship milestones. It’s one of the most awkward milestones because it’s public by necessity.

That first status change isn’t the only challenge. When a relationship ends, how soon is it okay to switch back to single? Doing so right away seems callous, but holding on for too long makes you look fixated. And God forbid that somebody break the news to her partner that she’s dumping him or her by publicly switching her status over to “Single.” But we’ve all heard stories of that happening.

We’ve also heard stories of people seeing their dates switch to “In a Relationship” with someone else. That can’t feel good.

4. It’s a Record of Every Relationship Mistake You’ve Made

If he can’t help but snoop, he can look back and see all those consolation posts from friends about your last breakup. Maybe he’ll see your previous partner’s angry wall posts after you let him know that you wouldn’t be seeing him again. Maybe this new friend of yours will see your immature responses. Worst of all, he might see just how much of a loser your last man was and decide you’re playing in different leagues.

Facebook serves up a record of everything you’ve done since you created your profile. It’s best to carefully curate all that information to make sure none of it comes back to haunt you later, but that takes a lot of work, and some things are bound to slip through the cracks.

To make things even more frustrating, you can’t modify the privacy settings for things you’ve already posted. You might have hidden that incriminating status update from your last boyfriend, but since your new one just friended you today, you’ll have to remember to go back and delete it if you’re afraid he’ll be browsing.

5. Other People’s Comments Will Make Your Date Jealous

This has caused many a breakup. Some people tend towards jealousy, and as with item #1 on this list, the flame of insecurity will get doused in gasoline.

Let’s say some girl has a bunch of innocuous guy friends who are innocently posting flirtatious messages on her wall. Most folks are okay with flirting, but some can’t handle it, and something about seeing it written out on Facebook makes it worse. That girl’s boyfriend will either become passive aggressive or burst out in jealous rage, setting the stage for the end of an otherwise positive relationship.

This one illustrates the same point as all the others: Facebook brings us too close to people too quickly. Dating is as much about maintaining healthy and safe boundaries as it is about intimacy — at least at first — and social networking makes that harder than ever. It’s not dissimilar to dating someone who works in your office; you can’t control the exposure you’ll have, and that can be a recipe for disaster.

by Samuel Axon (Source: http://mashable.com/2010/04/10/facebook-dating/)

Thursday, April 15, 2010