teenage love affair

contributed by one of our readers, anonymous heart

I was fourteen. Young, naïve, and juvenile. All I wanted was an older boyfriend. Of course I needed to have an older boyfriend. All my friends had boyfriends who were older than them – and at that time, I thought it was “cool”.

My self-esteem was at an all-time low. Compared to my friends, I had no admirers chasing after me, asking for my number or just wanting to get to know me. I was the “ugliest” lot amongst my four best friends. My hair was thick and there’s nothing attractive about my facial features. I had bee-stung lips (and I still do now) and people say I was way too skinny for their liking. Walking skeleton, some might say.

Quoting from a popular girl in my class, “Guys like girls with some junk in the trunk.” (read: big boobs, ogle-worthy derriere, curvaceous silhouette) Obviously I didn’t fit into that category. I was flat-chested and I still wore a training bra. Oh well. No one will ever like me, I thought to myself.

Then entered Syam, a handsome and tall 20 year old whom I met through a mutual friend. I was attracted to him the moment this mutual friend introduced us to each other. What’s not to like about him? He’s

1. good-looking even though he’s donning nerdy spectacles
2. taller than me (though I’m not so tall myself. But guys like girls shorter and smaller than them, right?)
3. 6 years older than me (hello? I need to have somebody older than me, not the same age as me)

I was beyond ecstatic when Syam text-messaged me, saying that he would like to get to know me better. I already envisioned of us holding hands by the beach as a couple. I know. Far-fetched.

One thing led to another. And the next thing I knew, Syam expressed his feelings for me and would like to “propose” me to be his dearly girlfriend. I was on cloud nine.

Yay! I have got a boyfriend now! I smiled to myself. It felt good showing him off to my friends. Every time he fetched me, waiting for me at the void deck near my school, I felt really special. Now all my school mates who dubbed me as “not pretty” will know that I do have a boyfriend after all. Older boyfriend. It made me feel like I am a mature individual already.

One Sunday afternoon, we were eating Mee Soto at Ayer Rajah Food Centre with his friend Fazlee and Fazlee’s girlfriend, Seri. (Ever since I officially became Syam’s girlfriend, we frequently hung out with Fazlee and Seri. So-called double date). While eating, Syam rummaged through his sling bag and took out the set of photos that he just retrieved from a photo developing shop this morning. It was his Hari Raya pictures. His family and him. There he was. Standing beside his mother, who was seated beside his father. His sisters were standing behind their parents and there was a cute baby in his mother’s arms.

“Awww…look at your baby brother. How adorable! He looks just like you,” I purred.

“How old is he? There must be a huge difference in your age gap lah!” I added. Syam just kept silent for a few moments while I browsed through his set of pictures.

“Actually… That little boy is my son,” Syam finally voiced out.

What??!! I stared at him, flabbergasted. Turns out that it was his lovechild with his previous girlfriend. Apparently his ex-girlfriend didn’t want to take care of their child after giving birth. Syam had no choice but to take care of the baby (or rather, Syam’s mother).

It was a shocking truth for a fourteen-year-old like me to handle. This was my first real boyfriend for goodness sake. After his so-called confession, things were definitely different between us.

He even asked me, “Will you still accept me? With my son? Are you willing to be his step-mother?”

I was like, woah. Hang in there boy. I’m just fourteen, still young and carefree, our relationship are still considered new. I didn’t even know if I even want to marry you in the future. I mean, I like you very much and all (like, not love yet), but let’s take things one step at a time. So I just plastered a fake smile on my face.

Few weeks went by. We began to see each other less frequently – to a point where he didn’t call or message me at all. I called and left him dozens of messages, but to no avail.

What happened to him? My little heart wondered.That was when I received a text-message from him. Speaking of the devil, I thought.

Syam: For these past few days when I didn’t sms you, I’ve been going through a lot of thinking. My mom is fed up with me because she’s the one who has to take care of my son, not me. Two days ago my parents went to my ex’s place to meet with her parents. They want us to get married.

Right. This was a hint for me to go. I’m not going to be the third wheel in someone’s marriage (or someone who’s about to get married). Right on that moment I told him that I like him and everything, but we have to end our relationship there and then. I was furious with him for being such a coward. Why did he have to avoid me before telling me the reason for his silence? And break-up over the phone? He’s not a man enough to see me face-to-face. Jerk.

Of course when I think back, How silly of me. Maybe he was just finding a reason to dump me, so he cooked up a very big lie just to get rid of me. But now, it doesn’t matter. It’s from these experience that we learnt, and it made us a stronger person than we were before. I’m glad this happened, by the way. If I’m still stuck with that joker, I think I won’t be happy and I would be deceived by all his stupid lies.

Now, when I saw young schoolgirls displaying public displays of affection with their older boyfriends (I can tell because the girl is wearing her secondary school uniform and the boy is wearing his ITE uniform), I smiled to myself. I was in their position before. So naïve and yet so desperate to have a boyfriend, being intimate in public, ignoring the disapproving glances from passers-by… I cringed at the thought of that.

Well readers. That was my story. About a young teenage love experienced by yours truly.

Hope the intricate details will make you feel as if you’re in my shoes while reading it. And oh. All the names have been changed to protect every stakeholder’s confidentiality.

the one that was not meant to be

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

One of the first guys I met online & offline was someone who used the moniker “Armitage” on IRC. He was an extremely interesting person to chat with. At that time, I was a self-confessed IRC addict, would log on daily to chat.

Anyway, I was in my 2^nd year of JC while I chanced upon this guy “H”, he was at that time in his 2^nd year of Singapore Polytechnic and he was in the same course as one of my close friends. Apparently, he was a close friend of my friend’s “uncle” of the same age.

After my A levels, I pretty much did not work and the only odd job I had was shuttling to Boonlay to teach tuition to my cousin. I even introduced IRC to her and on nights when I slept over, we’d be giggling together while chatting on IRC. Of course she knew of my online friend and also got acquainted with him.

Back to the guy…I’ve never gotten any photo of him on IRC hence I don’t know how he looked like. We chatted on the phone and his voice was sooooo swoonsome…even my cousin says so. She actually went: Sis, his voice makes me melt! (LOL). Being THE GOOD GIRL who followed mommy’s rule of study first boys later, I never went out on dates. I’ve always projected myself as this fierce girl in sec sch and when I get to JC, hmmmm…there isn’t any guys interested I guess. And I’m very bad at lying…so I shall not even try.

Anyway…”H” asked me out and I’ve always politely declined him. I wasn’t so scared because I knew he was a real person…kinda 6 degrees of separation. However, one day an opportunity arises…there was this seminar regarding after A level options that I wanted to check out so when he asked me out, I told him…well…if you don’t mind following me to that seminar, then I’d meet you. He agreed instantaneously. The date was fixed and I refused to ride his bike so what we did was agreed to meet and go to City Hall via MRT. Now, I was torn as to which MRT I should meet him at…If I chose the one near my place…I’d probably bump into neighbours or something. I had wanted to meet at Woodlands MRT but decided against it because it was too crowded. Finally, I agreed to meet him at Marsiling MRT station.

While waiting for him, I realized I was being too brave…I never really know who he was and have no idea how he looked like…just that he was supposed to be 1.8m tall. Then I finally met ’H’ and we took the train all the way to City Hall. (He had apparently boarded the train from SP to Marsiling) ‘H’ wasn’t a looker. He was tall, lanky and dark skinned but he’s alright on the whole. Anyway, my good friend was already waiting over at City Hall.( I had planned it in such a way that it would turn out to be a double date with my friend and her boyfriend) What I hadn’t planned was my friend to be at loggerhead with her boyfriend and we met all the rest of the gang at that seminar!

What was supposed to be a date instead became a group dinner at First Muslim Noodles Shop at Far East Plaza. It was really laughable. Luckily, “H” hadn’t seemed to mind. And when it was time to go home after the dinner, I had opted to take the bus home instead of going to the train with the rest. So he sent me back home.

Anyway after that he asked me out again. Again I declined…knowing full well that I would not be able to lie to my mom (my mom is kinda strict you see).

So he retorted on the phone: You tak boleh jumpa ke tak nak jumpa? (You can't meet or don't want to meet?)

To which I replied: Tak boleh la…my mom. (Can't la...my mom)

Him: kenapa? (Why?)

Me: Mak dia ingat anak dia lawa sangat. (This mom thinks her daughter is so pretty)

Him: Lawa ape…. (Pretty what...)

Hahaha. His reply really cracks me up. But of course I didn’t meet him again. I accidentally met him on the train when I was going to my Aunt’s place. He looked pleasantly surprised but that was to be our last meeting.

When I finally joined my school after A level, where I had a lil bit of freedom…he happened to be attached already. Apparently to a plump girl too! I guess plump was his idea of a perfect girl hehe.

And the last I heard about him was that he was involved in a bike accident where he was the pillion to my friend’s uncle. May Allah bless his soul. He had by far been one of the nicer guys I’ve met whom I got to know through online. Of course it was an experience worth remembering and well I guess in a way…it was not meant to be.

Hmmm how’s that for a sappy ‘love’ story? *winks*

p/s: i noe it's always w.h who posts contributions but unfortunately, all my fellow hearties are on a hiatus right now. so that leaves me as the sole custodian of this blog (not for long i hope!) let's wish they'll come back soon, missing you ladies!!!

the one who made me run (part II)

Have you ever reflected on something you did ages ago and wondered why the hell you even did it? Like why, why, why?

Well, that’s how I felt whenever I think back about Mr big eyes.
Ok… after my sprinting episode, he finally left me alone. Thank God... No more sudden appearances, no more staring, no more stalking, nothing. Months passed and he graduated. I no longer saw him around in school and I soon forgot all about him...

Until the day I met him again.

Was walking towards my usual bus stop when I spotted him standing there. We boarded the same bus but did nothing more than to give each other the eye of recognition.

It happened quite often after that but he never did anything that scared me so I soon decided that he was harmless. Only after crossing paths a few more times, he made small talk with me. It was no longer something lame like the weather but we sort of exchanged nuggets of information.

I can’t remember what happened in detail but oddly we became friends. Why, why why? I guess I remember thinking that he probably scared girls away with his looks and weird approaches and deduced that maybe all he needed was just a friend. I suppose that’s how I decided to give him a chance.

I have a pretty good memory but I can’t remember how or why I passed him my address. But it must have happened otherwise he wouldn’t have written me letters. Yea, yea… Why, why why? The irony of it… being pen pals with your ex-stalker.

Anyway, we kept in touch via letters, emails and even hung out a few times. I know, I know.. Why, why why? Well, until…

I invited him to an exhibition that I was a part of. He turned up. I thought it was rather nice of him and was appreciative about it but as I couldn’t bring him around myself, I advised him to look around by himself.

I remember this scene distinctly. I was standing with my friends when a friend pointed out to me, “Hey your friend’s been staring at you the whole time from upstairs”. I looked up and there was Mr big eyes, two levels above me, his big eyes fixated on me.

Realising that I have caught sight of him, he gave a slow wave.

I don’t know why but I froze that very minute. A familiar feeling started to creep up on me.

I suddenly recalled a time when he asked what perfume I applied. When I told him I didn’t apply any, he stood close to me and took a deep long sniff of my hair with his eyes closed.

I shuddered. The familiar feeling started to make sense...

It was fear.

You might think I’m silly but I never quite gotten over that fear. It creeped me out so bad that I avoided his calls, did not reply his emails and letters. In fact he was the original reason why I used pseudonyms online.

From that day on, it’s as though I suffered a short circuit in my memory. Imagine, I could remember the entire earlier scary experience of being stalked in school but couldn’t remember much of what happened during our friendship.

His last letter to me was a few years ago. He had just returned from the United States after five years and wanted to make contact again. I suppose he was trying his luck by sending me a letter.

I still remember his last letter… it was white and had tiny heart designs all around.

I never replied.

You could say I made myself scarce from his life.

conditions of love

"we particularly relish in the other precisely the qualities that we lack ourselves. it would be absurd to crave what you already possess. in loving the other, we can come by to possess these qualities."

while i was cleaning out my closet yesterday, i came across this old diary i kept. one entry dated 21 nov 04 had a few quotes from this book conditions of love, by john armstrong. i remember reading it a few days after i broke up. it was a time of loss and trying to come to terms with what just happened, what went wrong. i guess i was trying to get some answers from this thin paperback from borders. hah.

the reason i jotted this quote down was coz reading it made me realise how true it is (for my case, at least). even now, as i reflect back on the guys i liked after 2004, it's still true.

the attributes that attract me to the guys i like are those that i dun possess myself. we love someone in the hope that what we love in them will rub on us, somehow. i think it makes sense, just that we dont do it consciously, just on a subconscious level.

say, my first ex... he's confident, speaks and writes well, a literary whiz to my then-17 year old self. one of the first things i loved about him was that he had a way with words, which i was (and still) a sucker for. it is what i aspire to be, so it could be one of the factors that made me fall in love then.

more recently, a co-worker i have a teeny crush on. he's my age, and yet he's already a manager, handling huge projects and with a team under him. on top of that, he has his own little entertainment company that he manages at night, something that he does simply coz he loves it. his passion to work and play just as hard is what i like about him, coz maybe im not someone whos so driven like him. of coz, he's kinda cute too :P

another one is this guy i met 3 yrs ago. he's one adventurous bugger, the kind who cant sit still and needs his adrenaline fix all the time. he regaled to me his dirt biking days, the times he went camping outdoors, cycling all around singapore, riding out to malaysia every other week, and how he's taken probably 20 part time jobs in his youth... as i sat there open-mouthed at how much he's done. again, it just amazes me how passionate and driven someone can be, something that's almost alien to one who's in a constant state of inertia as me :)

anyway, this could only be true for me, i dunno.

why not you guys reflect on this and tell me if it's the same for you.

the one who made me run

This happened back when I was still studying. Yes, it’s an old story but my encounter with Mr big eyes left me haunted even till today. I was reminded of this when I recently spotted someone who looked like him.

I was making my way home from the bus interchange one day when I noticed in front of me, a tall guy whom I recognized as a senior in my school.

There was light drizzle but as my steps, at its usual speed were rather quick, I didn’t let the slight patter bother me. Pretty soon, I almost overtook the guy.

Suddenly, he stopped in his tracks in front of me. He held his hand out to feel the drops of rain on the skin of his palm and turned to me. “It’s raining,” he said.

I just nodded.

I continued walking. So did he, right next to me, matching my steps while trying to make conversation with me. I can’t remember the conversation that ensued but I’m sure it wasn’t much and that it was mainly a question and answer session with me trying to be polite.

By the time I had covered about two-thirds of my journey home, he was still walking next to me. He told me where he stayed (which was only a few blocks before mine!) and asked where I stayed. I lied and pointed to a block neighbouring mine. I just wasn’t comfortable in telling him where I stayed.

We parted ways when we reached near his block and I made my way home quickly, all the while making sure I wasn’t being followed.

He appeared again another day and walked next to me when I was walking home. I pretended to be cool when deep down I felt really uncomfortable.

Then suddenly the ordeal began. I never failed to catch him and his big eyes staring at me amongst any crowd in school. He was somehow always in sight at the canteen or corridor or quadrangle. You name it - somewhere, somehow and always. Even when I stayed beyond the normal school hours, he could be seen lurking around the school compound.

I was freaked out.

And I had every reason to.

Once, when I spotted him at one end of the canteen, my friend and I made our way to the back of the canteen and dashed to the other end of the canteen, unobstructed. When we reached the OTHER end, he was already there! It was insanely terrifying.

How on earth did he make his way across so fast through the crowded canteen, I don’t know. But I knew I was scared shitless.

Every day I was in fear of being followed.

One day, my friend and I boarded the bus and he was already seated there! After my friend alighted at her bus stop, I deliberated on what I should do.

To my relief, he stood up and alighted way before we reached the interchange. I thought to myself, perhaps I had been too paranoid. He wasn’t following me. Maybe it was mere coincidence all along.

Feeling a lot calmer, I made my way home the usual way. Well, actually, there was only ONE way I could walk home from the bus interchange.

To my horror, he appeared right beside me out of the blue! And I hadn’t even noticed where he came from!

My mind wondered how the hell he could have reached the same place at the same time when he alighted many stops earlier. It just didn’t make any sense!

He tried to make conversation again, but this time I just walked away. I crossed the road to the pavement on the opposite side. But I could still feel him observing me. From the corner of my eye I could see that he was matching his steps to mine.

I was terrified but I decided that I couldn’t possibly walk home. My block was situated at the end of the straight road. It wasn’t as though I could weave my way in and out of blocks of flats and try to lose him.

The quicker I walked, the faster my heart beat. It felt like it was expanding with every beat and was rising up to my throat to choke the life out of me.

Before I understood what I was doing, my legs lifted themselves and started to run. I ran like I had never run before, not towards home but as far as I could and away from that area.

And I stayed away for some time before I decided to make my way home again.


to be continued

the one about the crush (part iii)

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

M and I exchanged numbers in one of our chats. But we never progressed to chatting on the phone. If I remember correctly, he called once on the pretext that his University mate was looking for a tutor for the cousin or something and he had passed on his phone to his friend and I had passed my phone to my friend. Very silly right? LOL

We only SMSed Hari Raya and birthday wishes.

When M entered University, he was so preoccupied with his new routine that I rarely saw him on msn. Our usual chats died down and the only thing that kept our virtual friendship going were occasional emails. Each time I decided that it’s time to forget M, he’d pop back into my life.

Meanwhile, I was an avid blogger on Multiply and each time I blogged about something, he’d receive a copy of my entry. The beauty of Multiply allowed me to know who read my entry and when. But of course the person had to choose to open the email in the first place.

I realized then, that he’d pass on boring titles like "My day at work" and go for titles like "My Date with..." So I couldn’t help but adopt attention-grabbing titles. He was the first to read my entry grousing about my granny (the title had sounded like I was chiding a love interest).

Through that avenue, he managed to find out my birthday. He was 4 days too late but sent an SMS anyway:

M: Happy belated birthday! How, lots of presents? For me I never get any in fact have to give presents on my birthday.

I was pleasantly surprised to get that SMS, quite unexpected because our contact with each other had been sporadic lately.

Anyway being cheeky, I sent a reply:

Me: That’s all? No presents?

He: Yes, there is… A little prayer that you’ll be happy always, dunia & akhirat. (english: in this lifetime and afterlife)

Awwww! Do you guys get how I feel? These are exactly the kind of things that makes me fall deeper and deeper!

By this time, he had completed his degree and was scheduled to train in another country for 2 years.

At that time, he was already drawing his paycheck from his job training. Funnily he liked to withdraw his money at the ATM near my block even though there is one in the one of that central place near his block. And how did I know that? Because I get weird SMSes from him like: Eh still so early how come your kitchen light is on? Langsir dapur lawa sey. (english: Nice kitchen curtains)

How did he know which unit I lived in? I suspected that he had probably had checked it out when he was serving NS at the NPC right about the same time I shifted house. Yea, this naïve girl had disclosed her name then.

Anyway, after he landed a high flying job, our contacts had been very minimal. I no longer have his number after he had gone off to another country to do his training. MSN was our only mode of communication.

It dwindled from occasional chats to just a few liners.

And even when he returned back to Singapore, it seemed that his status on MSN is always OUT FOR LUNCH. Cannot be always out for lunch right?

And after reading Mr Greg Behrendt’s “He’s just not into you” self-help book… Well that’s probably what it was all about - He just wasn’t that into me.

Because let’s face it, he had every chance of asking me out if he wanted to. He can’t be that thick not to know that I have crush on him - after all he’s very intelligent.

So there I had my closure. It had always been a one-sided thing. I had a humongous crush on him but that’s about it.

Up till now I still have not deleted him from my contacts. It’s just a constant reminder of my memories with my dear VERY VIRTUAL friend/crush.

Well nevertheless I hope he is happy always and of course having memories like this is part of the growing up process.



And that my dear hearties, is my story.

I didn’t promise a happy ending now did I?

the one about the crush (part ii)

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

(Actually I forgot to mention, M was able to pinpoint who I was from his patrol rounds was because it was not very common for someone in my area to go to the JC that I was schooling in. It is also mainly due to distance.)

M wasn’t exactly the pin-up guy that I’d drool over but certainly was pleasant looking. Being a ChiLay (mixed ah tu, of course not Chili and Olay LOL), he’s fair skinned. I’m partial to guys who are fair-skinned. But looks wasn't exactly the issue here.

(In response to wondering heart’s comment earlier about him sounding like a sincere guy as he still talked to me after knowing how I looked like… well that’s what attracted me in the first place. I had developed such a huge crush on him without realising.)

We continued chatting because looks wasn’t an issue for me and it seemed, not for him too. But hey, I might have weights issue but I’m gorgeous, lol! He is an interesting character – witty and funny. He was also religious and would advise me when I was whining sometimes. He even offered to lend me a “buku persiapan Umrah” (book on the preparations for Umrah) when he found out that I would be going for my Umrah trip (stupidly I had declined because firstly, I was stupid and secondly, because I had my own guidebook).

Anyway, in my own way, I tested to see if he’d agree to teach my brother tuition for Math. He was a Science student and judging from his Alma Mater, his Math must have been excellent. Apparently, he was in two minds about it… I even told my mom about this friend of mine when my mom was looking for a tutor for my brother. He didn’t take up the offer, though.

But one day, a fire broke out at the flat behind mine… and guess who was on duty that day? M was there in full view, cordoning the area off! He was facing my kitchen so I even called my mom to look. LOL!

So when we were having our normal chat on ICQ…
M: Were you at home last Thursday?
Me: I was out for registering myself at the school.
M: Can’t be out the whole day right?
Me: Oooh…no…in fact I managed to catch the drama unfolding behind my block. There was a fire. Policemen were activated. So many police cars, so many policemen! Some policemen were talking to reporter…and one particular one was cordoning off an area!
M: !!!

I realized then, that M was a shy guy. In fact a senior whom he was acquainted with, whom I sometimes chatted with, also said he was so. Anyway since my mommy knows what he looks like, she saw him when she was buying breakfast one day.

She told me and I asked him… “eh you went that someplace someplace to buy breakfast eh?”
M: Eh how come you never come over and say hi?
Me: I wasn’t even there lorr. I was in Botanical Garden on a field trip. (This is of course the truth)
M: Then how did you know?
Me: My mom saw you.
M: What? Oh no cover blown!
Me: Cover blown over so long already.
M: !!!

In fact, it was always my mom who saw him. And for a few times too! It was like Chinese movie “Turn Left, Turn Right”. There was two occasions that this was so:

1st occasion:
I was supposed to wait for my mom and my sis at an LRT stop. I had alighted at another stop (near his place) and when I called my mom to confirm the meeting point, I walked over to the correct stop. When my mom appeared, she told me: Eh we saw your ‘friend’, he was on the same train as us.

Imagine, if I had stayed at that stop, I might have probably met him there and then!


2nd occasion:
My family had planned a 2nd Umrah trip in 2005. Due to my insistence, because of work-related reasons, the dates were changed from the 2nd of June to a week later. And because of that… I had missed on being on the SAME flight and SAME hotel with M who was doing his Umrah then too. How much coincidence can it get? I got rather embarrassed about this but there and then I had prayed to God to give me a sign. If he was not the one for me, please let me forget about him and have him far away from my mind.

But guess what, just minutes before I was about to leave Mecca, I received an SMS: “Where are you?”

No prizes for guessing who sent it.


To be continued…

the one about the crush

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

Now how do I start?

Let’s just say I was a net addict right from the start… after all towards the new millennium (at that time), Internet was the rage. Even with dial-up internet connection back then, it was really very addictive. I got withdrawal symptoms just by not using the net for a day. That was how bad it was.

mIRC was really the rage then. A/S/L was at the tip of my fingertips. It was fun… to able to hide behind anonymity, talking to many different people… sharing views… getting to know people.

Anyway, what started was… I was with my aunt who wanted to know what IRC was all about. So she sat beside me while I went through the motion. I told her that when a particular nick was highlighted, it meant someone wanted to talk to me. What I didn’t know was, on that same lazy afternoon, I would get to know someone whom I would eventually develop a huge crush on.

Anyway, he (M) seemed to be an uninteresting person at first. But as we chatted more and more, I got more and more interested. Finally, before we ended our chat, we exchanged emails.

What I had uncovered based on that chat was that he was undergoing NS police at that time, was from a different JC but that we basically lived in the same precinct.

I was 17 at that time, naïve, thinking that I could hide behind this anonymous mask that I’ve projected in this virtual world. Of course, despite my naivety, I still had some common sense to not give my full name and number. (but anyway, where got luxury like now - I got my first hdp when I was 20? LOL)

First on IRC, then on ICQ (the consistent eh oh sounds of yesteryears)… I really can’t remember how we switched to ICQ - probably the email bit… but we chatted quite frequently…. I had so much fun talking to him. We’d spent hours online - More so on weekends where I could stay up till 2a.m. sometimes.

So you see throughout my senior year in JC, where I should have paid more attention in my studies, I’ve spent my time on the internet - internet junkie mah… most of the time talking to this policeman conscript (lol).

Turning point came one day... a few months after my A’s. I was waiting for my results then. Bumming around at home, giving tuition to cousins - my father didn’t let me find a job while waiting for results so I had to abide Daddy’s word. Anyway, I was chatting as per normal with M when the conversation went something like this:

M: So you don’t go out?
Me: I don’t like to go out. (I should have kicked myself here LOL)
M: Why you don’t like to go out?

Readers…I was really in a crazy mood so I went:

Me: Coz people stare…

(Let me explain… to be honest, I was not confident of myself so I always criticized myself. I’m my worst critic… and I had issues with my weights… in essence that staring part was basically my feeling unsure about myself)

M: Why do people stare? Is it because you are plump, with short curly hair and fair?

I almost fell off my seat! IT WAS SPOT ON… but how the hell did he know?
Flustered…I answered back.

Me: Hey are you stalking me?
M: I just happened to patrol in your area and saw this JC girl wearing the JC uniform.

I asked for his photo but he refused to share it with me.

After that chat, the next day I realized something…

Then was in Apr, so it had been 6 freaking months since I donned that uniform. I got really freaked out I tell you… but that still did not deter me from talking to him. I tried many sorts of ways… finally he relented and sent me his photo.



To be continued…

ps: Ok I've decided to send u the first installment of my story. Will continue after Barren Heart finishes hers. LOL.

the one who wanted to have an affair

One day, just for fun, I displayed my actual photograph as my msn profile picture. It wasn’t my usual practice back then but I was happy with my new haircut… the only thing I was happy about in a bad week.

Suddenly, n.g. messaged me out of the blue. “Hmm… it’s been ages since we chatted,” I thought as I saw his nick flashing, indicating an unread message.

“Hey, you look so pretty,” he typed. I laughed it off. In my mind, he’s always been a joker. n.g. was a former client by the way, in my former company. He was the kaypoh sort who’d crack stupid jokes to people. He was witty too… in an R(A) sort of way.

Once, he disappeared from work for a couple of days and when he returned, told my ex-colleague that he attended a course. “What course?” she asked, genuinely curious. “Intercourse,” he quipped. So yea… you get the idea what sort of person he is…

Anyway, we just updated each other on what we were doing before he went on to confide in me how he’s always been interested in girls of other races. “Uhoh…” I didn’t think I’d like where the conversation was leading.

Ok, the conversation went something like this:

n.g: you want to go out on a date?
(I recalled how I had been invited to his wedding a year ago. Ok… I better clarify before this becomes an embarrassing misunderstanding)
me: huh? What do you mean?
n.g: i am serious wanna have affair with you la… date meaning...going out as bf and gf lor. but secretly la
(silence)
n.g: your jaw drop is it... hee
me: so this is what you’ve been doing behind your wife’s back is it?
n.g: no lah never do this kind of thing before...if you are ok with it...you are the first lor

What the hell? I felt so insulted. He still had the cheek to tell me I would be the first! I was so pissed, I ignored him and immediately complained to a couple of friends online. “Not all men are like that,” my male friend, a staunch Christian assured me when I roared and ranted about how men nowadays are unfaithful and simply cannot be trusted.

“He sounds like he's trying to be funny and thinking that its cute. He doesn’t even sound serious. Think you're taking it too seriously,” my female friend said.

Was I taking things too seriously? I don’t know. All I knew was that I’ve known him to be quite cheeky but harmless. And I HAD been having a bad week, maybe it got the better of me? Maybe I will see the humour in this once I cool down, I talked to myself.

Well eventually I chucked it in the dusty crevices of my brain and forgot all about it. Until…

I attended an ex-colleague’s wedding a year later. A few close former colleagues and clients were also invited. And guess who should waltze over to my table? n.g. approached another of my colleague to say hi. I didn’t think he realized I was there. When I turned around to face him, his eyes darted away.

Hmm… if what happened had been a joke, he could have at least looked me in the eye, right? But noo... we never made eye contact. Well, cos he avoided mine. I looked at him directly as he stood there, all tall, dark and… well… NOT handsome.

He came alone, I overheard him saying. And immediately I thought of his poor wife.

i just didn't learn

it starts with indifference
then the vacuum of emptiness
that deafening silence in the heart
heaviness of the soul sets in next
followed by inexplicable sadness
tingled with bitter anger

repeat cycle every month

---------------------------------------
memories circa 06/07

seeing is believing? or it is not?

As I look back at the number of guys I had met before in my life, I  realized that I indeed go for looks. I know it might sound very mean, but there were a few, whom, after some thoughts, I decided not to meet anymore because the person was lacking in the looks department. I know it is very mean of me to do that. Don’t get me wrong, of course I am one who is also particular about character. Sadly, I have yet to meet anyone with the character I am looking for and yet in the looks department, he might be average looking.

 Oh, and thankfully, I have never met anyone who is good looking but has bad character :P

However, I will try my best not to put too much emphasis in looks i.e. as long as it is pleasant enough *smiles*