love is in the air

I was so happy last weekend when I bumped into the couple I successfully matchmade! And get this, I have never met them ever since I gave them each other's numbers - that was some FIVE years ago!!!

And they're getting married!

It's so surreal.

The thing was, when they first got in touch via sms, things got off on the wrong foot. I remember my last conversation with the girl... how I was apologetic that things didn't take off, although I knew I wasn't to be blamed... But some months later, I got wind that they somehow hooked up!

So yea that night we hung out and the couple finally submitted their progress report after all these years. Haha...

When the girl was out of earshot, the guy profusely thanked me for introducing her to him. And he said something which was really sweet:

"Which couple would not quarrel...? but I have to say, having learnt my lessons from past relationships, we have managed to go through the distance. I must say, her presence in my life... it was timely..."

Aww... *dabs tears

I know this sounds silly but it feels as though they're my babies. I feel so blessed to be able to witness their union.

I really really wish them a lifetime of bliss. *throws confetti

straight from the horse's mouth

Just yesterday, two men were in my office, servicing the printer. For a couple of servicemen on the job, they sure talked a lot… and loudly too.

So while I was minding my own business at my desk, I couldn't help but overhear their conversation.

They were chatting about several different topics when Guy A started sharing his problems to Guy B. He talked about his mother, brother and basically sighed a lot.

Guy A: itulah… banyak benda (see… there’s plenty of problems)
Guy B: alah kau dah kahwin ape (well, at least you’re already married)
I suppose Guy B was consoling him that at least he wasn’t alone in this.
Guy A: kahwin? Kahwin, tak kahwin… kahwin tu untuk lepaskan nafsu (married? Marriage makes no difference. Marriage is just to relieve your lust)

I was appalled! I felt like turning around and smacking Guy A’s bloody face. But then it wouldn’t be worth it – he’s not worth it.

It reminded me of this episode of this Malay programme I caught on Suria called Mahligai Kaca (it basically means “Glass Castle”… aptly captures the fragility of marriage). I was told that the storylines were derived from real family court cases, although I’m not too sure about the accuracy of this.

But I must say the programme was an eye-opener. I only managed to catch one episode, which happened to be the last one.

It was about this lady who’s been divorced twice but doesn’t give up her search for the perfect man. She finally fell in love with a man, also divorced.

However, her good friend and even the man’s ex-wife advised her not to marry him. They warned that he’s a womanizer and that he could turn abusive. But she turned a deaf ear on them and chose to follow her heart instead.

However, just a few weeks before the wedding, she started to have doubts about him. But by then, all the wedding invites were sent out and in her opinion, it was simply too late to back out. So she proceeded with the wedding any way, praying that she had been wrong to doubt him.

Sadly, just three days after the wedding, he started not coming home, preferring to keep himself busy in the company of other women. When his friends reminded him that he was married, he replied something along the lines of:

“I get married so that I do not have to commit a sin. Having a wife means you can have ‘it’ anytime you want, without resorting to visits to back alleys. A wife saves you costs.”

While I was disgusted with that notion, at the back of my mind, it was just an actor delivering his lines.

Nothing beats the disgust of hearing the actual words from a man himself.
N o t h i n g .

Food for thought:
We often wonder if we're marrying for the wrong reasons.
But how often do we wonder if the man isn't marrying for the wrong reason?

So I shall quote this from Mahligai Kaca which I think is very true:

"It's easy to find a man, but it’s not easy to find a husband.”

in search of the elusive one

a pointless but enlightening conversation on a dreary wednesday afternoon…

p.q: that time i went there i saw another malay guy

p.q: n this guy was wearing a suit so he's definitely in the business side

barren: wah corporate malay guy

barren: why is it so surprising to find corporate malay guys?

barren: lol

barren: i find it so rare and refreshing

p.q: yea

p.q: he LOOKED refreshing

p.q: haha

barren: lol

barren: tat time i had a meeting with a mediacorp sales guy

barren: malay also

barren: refreshing also

barren: lol

p.q: lol

p.q: i wonder how they're like in person

p.q: are they humorous? witty?

barren: i dunno, i hardly come across such species

barren: its almost like they're an urban legend

barren: *ponder

p.q: i know!

p.q: but i don't think i can be in a relationship with one?

p.q: actually im not sure

p.q: i think such men come with big ego

barren: or high standards

barren: which i don't think i can keep up with

barren: hiak2

at the risk of sounding racist (but how could we, we’re malays too!), this is really true for my friend, ms p.q. and i. we hardly come across corporatey malay guys, or at least the straight ones. I only noe of two, and yeah, their standards are damn high la.

Are they such an elusive specimen, that we’re not quite sure if they even exist? And single ones? Even harder to find!

And why are we so intimidated by the idea of a high-flying malay guy? More often than not, we’d assume that these men, especially the good-lookers, “won’t go for malay girls” and stereotype them as “sure wanna look for angmoh or chinese gf”.

Why ah?

Anyone care to refute our totally baseless assumptions? Or has evidence that the opposite is true?

of blushes and silly grins

the breath stolen
the heart aflutter
a single moment
of multiple heartbeats
while the rush lived
as long as it lasted



...

hairy, hairy, quite contrary

I boarded the MRT earlier than usual today, mentally prepared for the selfish, annoying passengers amongst the rush hour crowd.

As expected, there were no empty seats. I stood holding a pole and looked around when my gaze landed on a head of hair a few steps in front of me.

Against the glass window, the head of hair glistened. It was a lady’s head of hair. Her hair was long, oily and tied untidily, exposing unwashed scalp. I could see white specks of dandruff clearly from my view.

In my silent disgust, I wondered how anyone could neglect his or her personal hygiene. I was seriously appalled especially cos this was a lady!

I cruelly wondered if she could find herself a husband should she continue to walk around in that state. Would any man be attracted to her?

My eyes bore through silhouettes and I observed her t-shirt, her sleeve, her arm, her hand…

Hold it!

Her fingers were entwined in another person’s hand. My eyes shot up, trying to see the person standing next to her…

It was a man. Her boyfriend? Husband?

Well, her male partner's head of hair wasn’t any better. It was dishevelled, exposing his scalp here and there, obviously unstyled from the moment he stepped out of bed. He didn't even look like he had showered.

They sure were made for each other.

love guru vs love victims

It seems that my once-in-a-blue-moon nocturnal appearances in msn have always been greeted by love victims. Never mind that I’ve no credentials in Psychology whatsoever or that I’m no love guru myself - they don’t seem to care.

I can’t help but suspect that few of them are lying in wait, all ready to test the threshold of my patience.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m always happy to offer a listening ear and my honest opinion, especially so when a good friend of mine is concerned. But pleaaaseeee…. if you ever need to talk, don’t ask me for my opinion once and then again, and again, and again just cos my initial reply wasn’t what you wanted to hear.

Anyway, thought I’d compile a few of them here in case there were similar love victims.


........................................................................................................................
CASE 1:

Guy is interested in Girl, who is pretty and popular. Guy asked Girl out, she accepts invitation. Date went “alright” although “alright” really meant “different” which really, really meant “awkward cos there weren’t many things in common”.

Girl loves cutesy annoying songs which Guy absolutely detests. But Guy complements them anyway. “Nice,” Guy said. He even pretends to enjoy the music when he is actually gagging. 'Isn’t this what they term as “sacrifice”?'

Guy believes that love is blind and that he is behaving how he is because he is in love with her.

To guys:
Firstly, if there’s anything a girl hates, it’s deceit.
Secondly, please think with your brain, not with your …
Interest based on physical attraction alone cannot withstand the test of time.

To girls:
If a guy tells you that you both have lots in common, take it with a pinch of salt.
Then wait and see.


........................................................................................................................
CASE 2:

Guy likes Girl. But something came between them and they lost touch. Finally, somehow the friendship was rekindled.

Then Guy confesses to Girl that he used to like her. At the same time he assures her that the feelings are long gone – he lied. He didn’t want her to run away.

To guys:
What is the objective of lying again? A girl who learns that she has been struck off your list will similarly strike you off HER list.

To girls:
This is a rare case. If a guy says he’s over you, no need for second-guessing - he means it.


........................................................................................................................
CASE 3:

Guy loses sleep over quarrel with best friend, Girl. He is unable to focus at work, and is trying all sorts of methods to seek her forgiveness. He doesn’t even realize that he has stopped courting another girl he was interested in.

“She’s my best friend, my soul mate,” Guy said regretfully as he recalls all the hurt he had caused her. He explains that she know him best and feels terrible at the thought of losing the friendship.

To guys:
Best friend?!!!
If you’ve found a soul mate in a girl, that means she’s THE one. Don’t let her go.
Isn’t it obvious?

To girls:
If a guy fails to see or acknowledge just how important you are in his life, LEAVE!


........................................................................................................................
CASE 4:

Guy hits on Girl B only to learn that her best friend is his ex-girlfriend, A whom he secretly had never been able to let go since their break up. He had always regarded their split to be one of unrequited love.

He tries to find ways to chat with Girl A without Girl B’s knowledge but it seems like she’s avoiding him.

To guys:
Come clean.

To girls:
Good guys are hard to find but good friends are even harder.

........................................................................................................................

So there, hopefully, by doing this, I’ll be sparing friends of love victims the agony of repeating their advices over and over again.

Anyway, a couple of updates:

Case 1: Guy snaps out of love blindness and finally displays signs of common sense.

Case 3: Guy and Girl are now in a relationship – yes, they realized that they’re meant for each other… finally, heh.


Note: the love victims were males

the first man in my life

If there were any truth to my friends’ comments that I sometimes think like a man, I only have one person to attribute it to – my dad.

I love my dad. I honestly do. But I’m also declaring this cos I’m certain he can’t read this. Gosh, if he could, I know he’d be reacting awkwardly and uncomfortably, and so would I.

Dad is really one tough shell that’s hard to crack, but when you do (after a lot of patience), you’ll be surprised to discover tenderness and warmth.

In fact, his act of love is sometimes beyond the ordinary. This was the man who loves children but did not even carry any of his own when they were babies cos he didn't want them to be too emotionally attached to him. All because he truly believed back then that he would die young.

There was a time when I would always become the mediator between him and Mum. I was told that he harbours a soft spot for me. I don’t know why… perhaps he somehow could see himself in me (albeit a much diluted version heh).

In turn, as I grew up and learnt more about Dad, I saw in him, the same characteristics I would love to see in my own man.

Dad had always been some sort of a rebel since his youth. Based on his early corporate days, I can’t decide if he was popular or notorious. His confidence hardly wavers when he’s stating his opinions, even in the face of those older than he is. It amazes me that he can be defiant yet respectful towards elderly.

He is smart and cunning (in a positive way, of course, lol), capable at making things fall into place. He always enjoys a good debate and exchange of ideas. And he is principled, unafraid to stand up for his family and what he believes in.

I love his creativity and rationality, how he’s objective and focused in solving a problem either through his own devised strategies or based on sound investigation. I must add, though that he’s been showing more of his emotional side in recent years.

He knows what he wants and how to get it. In the old days Mum had no lack of suitors and when Dad heard that someone was going to propose to her, he swiftly asked for her hand in marriage days earlier. Haha what a hoot! I imagined it must've been romantic.

But I must confess that though I would love to see comparable qualities in my own man… I know those same qualities come with unfavourable “side effects”.

Dad’s confidence is flanked with ego, chauvinism and impatience I could never fathom.

I’ve never told anyone this. But one memory that I had since I was a child is so vivid that I suspect it had a profound effect on me.

I was young and hardly ever saw my parents in the days and nights. Sometimes I’d stay up really late just to have a glimpse of their faces. Other times when I’d succumb to sleep, I’d wake up real early just so I could catch them before they left home.

But one time, I woke up to hear Dad’s loud booming voice. Mum was equally loud and defiant. My parents were quarrelling in their room and it certainly was not pleasant to a young child.

And I think maybe… just maybe… a voice inside my head whispered to me… “I don’t want an angry man.”

That was a conclusion of six-year-old me.

Now, at twenty-seven, I have learnt to view things in a different perspective in an effort to see the bigger picture cos a good relationship is not unlike a jigsaw puzzle where two very different pieces fit perfectly together.

Instead of wondering half the time how Mum could tolerate Dad's temper, I started to observe... and I discovered that similarities need not necessarily give couples common ground cos they brought my parents clashes as much as differences did. Instead of worrying if they were ever gonna split up, I looked at how the marriage had lasted. I'm happy to say that while my parents still quarrel like any other couple, it was never in the same way again, thank goodness.

The adult me has observed that a lot of times we are so certain about the qualities we do or do not want to see in a partner that we forget to envision how the same qualities can make us stronger or weaker as a person.

So a tip I gathered... before we can find a partner that best compliment our own qualities, we’ve got to understand ourselves well first.

And so the first man in my life has taught me a lot of things.

Happy Dads' Day :)

no miracle cure

Which girl doesn't dream of the perfect wedding? The perfect dress. The perfect ring. The perfect man.

Sometimes the idea of a wedding is so enticing that we lose focus. All we want is the perfect wedding, when really, shouldn't we work towards the perfect marriage instead?

Before you plan your wedding, shouldn't you make sure you're with the right person first? What happened to making sure he's The One? And shouldn't we ask ourselves if we are mentally ready to take the next step? It's a marriage, not playing house with your boyfriend. Are we so wedding-oriented that we would just grab the guy next to us and make him sign on the dotted line with us?

No, this isn't about me again. I'm just perplexed by what I observed so far. I know people who'd do whatever it takes just to get married, to the point of deluding themselves.

Example: Couple A have been together for 5 years. As with most couples, they bicker, they have problems. But since they've come this far, they're not seeing anyone else or meeting anyone new and the whole world knows them as “Couple A”, they take the next step. Get married. It seems like the natural progression huh? But the truth is, there are still many kinks to iron out, many issues remain unresolved. There are things they hate about each other, but deep inside, they tell themselves, “It'll get better once we're married.”

Will it?

After that, the madness of planning the wedding starts. This process can be arduous and straining to the relationship (or so I've been told) and couples have been known to break up and call off the wedding in the planning stage. I'd say good for them. Better than after you say your vows right?

For those who do get through the wedding, they'll face the next challenge ahead: the rest of their lives together. The first few months of honeymoon period will be bliss for sure, when you are settling into life as one. After the perfect wedding, this is what you've always been waiting for. Coming home to your loved one, cooking for your husband, basking in your new found status as “husband and wife”.

And when you think all is well, something happens. You realise, the guy you married is still the same as before. With the same quirks and flaws that seem to be exponentially blown up now that you're living under the same roof.

Nothing really has changed. Reality bites. And marriage is no miracle cure.

Some people fight to work things out, which is admirable and well, isn't that what marriage is all about? Other aren't so lucky. The cracks that appeared during their courtship had escalated to a gaping hole between them; one that's beyond repair, impossible to ignore and now you KNOW won't just “get better.” These are the ones who end up in divorce a couple of years after tying the knot.

Sad isn't it? All that trouble, money spent on the grand wedding, only to come to naught.

I, for one, have been dreaming of that white wedding for the longest time. But I hope, if my time does come, that I don't lose sight of it all and will try my best to plan my marriage instead of just my wedding.

nothing compares

A friend asked me the other day, “How can I compete with my boyfriend’s exes?”
I really would’ve replied, “Do you really have to because, they wouldn’t have ended up being exes now, would they?”

But I didn’t cos I suppose it’s a valid question. Her new beau had quite a few partners before. And it’s natural to want to know how we measure up in the eyes of someone who’s been dating a lot or has been in multiple relationships. I mean it would really suck to believe all this while that you’re good at something or bringing something positive to the relationship only to learn that his ex was way better than you at it. What better way to feel confident, huh?

I don’t remember how I answered her. But I remember this – once I asked a friend how many girlfriends he had. His answer… “It doesn’t matter because only one girl mattered.”

Oh, I wonder if that girl knew she had such a strong hold on him still... Which leads me to the question – what makes us drawn to a particular person?

There’s no definite answer of course, everyone is different in personality and character and definitely has different tastes. But seriously, have you ever wondered - of all the persons you’ve ever had a crush on, or dated or loved, who mattered to you most? Why?

Why is that one person so special to you…

That you would kick yourself for all the things you did or did not do…

That you wished you didn't let go...

That you can never ever forget…

That you never found anyone else who came close...

I gave it some thought and decided that if that same friend asked me the same question again (which is highly probable, as she has a habit of repeating herself), I would tell her (or anyone who wondered the same thing as she did) this:

It’s human nature to compare. But instead of comparing yourself to someone’s exes, try measuring yourself up against him/her. Think of all the wonderful things he/she has done/ given to you; can you honestly say that you’d have brought equal, if not more positivity into his/her life?

How would YOU fare against him/her?

Cos really, I think that’s the only comparison that ever matters.


With that, let me leave you with this lovely song:

new year, new mindset – resolution to end singlehood

Just the other day, a friend was sharing her new year resolution with me – to find herself a guy. She was tired of being single.

“Sick of it!” she emphasised. It wasn’t the first time she expressed her frustrations of being single in these two months. Since her failed relationship which left her waiting and hoping for her ex-boyfriend for an arduous long time, it was only last year that she finally came full circle and decided to let go.

How ideal it would have been if a suitable guy had come along the very moment she decided to move on. But life is not always easy, isn’t it? Not even for a pretty, smart and successful career girl like her.

When she stated her resolution, I thought to myself, “Wow, is she determined or what?” It wasn’t her firm desire to have a boyfriend that impressed me, but more so her courage to set the goal in stone.

How many of us refuse to list our resolutions to avoid the dread of being confronted by our own broken promises at the end of the year? I’m sure there are many, myself included.

But there she was proclaiming her resolution. She was serious, and I believed her. Her determination was obvious, even contagious.

It doesn’t mean that she’s suddenly on a predatory hunt for the perfect man. But, she was consciously making a decision to step out of a cycle – the cycle of time and personal comfort.

It’s strange isn’t it, how our seeming flexibility, patience and willingness to “go with the flow” can actually be a trap that entrenches us in the very position we did not wish to remain long in the first place? It’s ironic how “going with the flow” can in fact cause a person to be stagnant.

She realized that she could be waiting all her life for that flow to work in her favour. So she decided she’s given time enough time. And what had long been a passive desire is now an active goal.

It’s amazing how we can set our minds and change our approach to achieving something just by viewing it in a different perspective.