the first man in my life

If there were any truth to my friends’ comments that I sometimes think like a man, I only have one person to attribute it to – my dad.

I love my dad. I honestly do. But I’m also declaring this cos I’m certain he can’t read this. Gosh, if he could, I know he’d be reacting awkwardly and uncomfortably, and so would I.

Dad is really one tough shell that’s hard to crack, but when you do (after a lot of patience), you’ll be surprised to discover tenderness and warmth.

In fact, his act of love is sometimes beyond the ordinary. This was the man who loves children but did not even carry any of his own when they were babies cos he didn't want them to be too emotionally attached to him. All because he truly believed back then that he would die young.

There was a time when I would always become the mediator between him and Mum. I was told that he harbours a soft spot for me. I don’t know why… perhaps he somehow could see himself in me (albeit a much diluted version heh).

In turn, as I grew up and learnt more about Dad, I saw in him, the same characteristics I would love to see in my own man.

Dad had always been some sort of a rebel since his youth. Based on his early corporate days, I can’t decide if he was popular or notorious. His confidence hardly wavers when he’s stating his opinions, even in the face of those older than he is. It amazes me that he can be defiant yet respectful towards elderly.

He is smart and cunning (in a positive way, of course, lol), capable at making things fall into place. He always enjoys a good debate and exchange of ideas. And he is principled, unafraid to stand up for his family and what he believes in.

I love his creativity and rationality, how he’s objective and focused in solving a problem either through his own devised strategies or based on sound investigation. I must add, though that he’s been showing more of his emotional side in recent years.

He knows what he wants and how to get it. In the old days Mum had no lack of suitors and when Dad heard that someone was going to propose to her, he swiftly asked for her hand in marriage days earlier. Haha what a hoot! I imagined it must've been romantic.

But I must confess that though I would love to see comparable qualities in my own man… I know those same qualities come with unfavourable “side effects”.

Dad’s confidence is flanked with ego, chauvinism and impatience I could never fathom.

I’ve never told anyone this. But one memory that I had since I was a child is so vivid that I suspect it had a profound effect on me.

I was young and hardly ever saw my parents in the days and nights. Sometimes I’d stay up really late just to have a glimpse of their faces. Other times when I’d succumb to sleep, I’d wake up real early just so I could catch them before they left home.

But one time, I woke up to hear Dad’s loud booming voice. Mum was equally loud and defiant. My parents were quarrelling in their room and it certainly was not pleasant to a young child.

And I think maybe… just maybe… a voice inside my head whispered to me… “I don’t want an angry man.”

That was a conclusion of six-year-old me.

Now, at twenty-seven, I have learnt to view things in a different perspective in an effort to see the bigger picture cos a good relationship is not unlike a jigsaw puzzle where two very different pieces fit perfectly together.

Instead of wondering half the time how Mum could tolerate Dad's temper, I started to observe... and I discovered that similarities need not necessarily give couples common ground cos they brought my parents clashes as much as differences did. Instead of worrying if they were ever gonna split up, I looked at how the marriage had lasted. I'm happy to say that while my parents still quarrel like any other couple, it was never in the same way again, thank goodness.

The adult me has observed that a lot of times we are so certain about the qualities we do or do not want to see in a partner that we forget to envision how the same qualities can make us stronger or weaker as a person.

So a tip I gathered... before we can find a partner that best compliment our own qualities, we’ve got to understand ourselves well first.

And so the first man in my life has taught me a lot of things.

Happy Dads' Day :)