the embarassed one

This happened way back in 2003. this guy worked at the same place I was formerly in, only in a different section. It all started when he suddenly dropped me an email through the work’s email system one day. He had also left me his handphone number. At the end of the day, i smsed him those cliché smses i.e. have a good weekend ahead and he went on to reply, informing me that he was going to JB with parents over the weekend…

and so it started. as we working at the same place, he would email me in the mornings saying that he left me some stuff in the pantry i.e. food. He  said  it  was  too risky if he was seen passing me stuff personally i.e. people would talk. I was ok with that. As days passed by, he started to ask me out during  weekends for lunch. Although he was very much older than me i.e. 9 years difference, we could get along rather well. I must say he was  fun  to  be  with as he was quite chatty. but one day, not too long after, I found out something about his character…

It  was  one  of  those  weekend  lunch outings and we were at a certain shopping mall. We were walking when suddenly….

  He: “Alamak!”
  Me: “Why?” *baffled*
  He: “Look, its “M”!! And she’s approaching us. How?”
  Me: “How, what??”

And “M” then approached us and salam-ed me and said ‘Hi’ to him. Fyi, we   were  all  working  in the same department. “M” chatted with us for less than a minute and then she left.

After "M" left, this guy looked so pale. I had asked him why?

  He:  Please,  if she asks tell her that there’s nothing going on between us.
  Me: Of course lah, we were just going out what…nothing going on anyway.
  He: Yes, please say so.
  Me: Hmm…why? Oh...you were going out with her, eh? (I teased)
  He: Errr…no lah. No…

And  from that incident, I started to distance myself from him. Actually I  felt  rather  pissed.  It’s  like...why must he react that way? My thoughts were, “Why? Is it an embarrassment to be seen with me? Hmmph!!” or, “maybe he is seeing other girls as well??”

It  was  really  helpful  that  by  the  end of 2003, he went to another  division  for  a transfer, so we didn’t see much of each other, save for during some of the department’s functions etc.

In  2005,  he  tried  to come back to my life, after we bumped into each other at a colleague’s wedding. He asked me out again, but I lied. Yes, I lied...and said that I was already seeing someone else.

My heart had since been plastered shut for him…

the strange one

it all began when a friend of mine asked me whether I would be interested to get to know her husband's still-a-bachelor good friend. She described to me his looks, his hobbies and also his love for travelling.

not bad, I thought...so I gave her the green light to pass him my number. and so we began sms-ing and yes, exchanging msn addresses. 

then one day, over sms, he asked me out. it was too soon, i thought, but being very curious i decided to say yes. the plan was to meet at a certain coffee joint somewhere near city hall....but alas, when he arrived there first he called me to say that the coffee joint was non-existent. 

and so we went to another place, also a coffee joint. he seemed to be a very shy guy, and there wasn't much that we could talk about. i was really hoping that after finishing our drinks, we would call it a day. but....he then suggested, "Let's go to the ACM (museum)."

actually i had been talking to him about this certain exhibition going on at the ACM during our chats on msn. i didn't expect that he would want to visit the museum since he had said that he was not into museums. 

and then it started...in the museum, we literally went our separate ways. It's like we were too engrossed in wanting to view what we wanted to view and gave ourselves such a big space to roam by ourselves in the museum...haha

it was soon almost evening, and suddenly he appeared and said he had to fetch a friend from the airport. we parted ways, after doing our evening prayers at a nearby masjid...

and since then we didn't contact each other...until a few weeks later, he suddenly gave me a missed call. I wasn't in singapore, but i called him back anyway. he answered strangely, "ehmmm...sorry i called you while you are overseas, it's ok i will call you back next time"...and he hung up.

but he never did...and i didn't as well. Then, not very long after I returned, he suddenly smsed me one day, "heyy...between green and blue, which do you think is a nicer colour?" I replied and at the same time, asked about how he was. But he never replied. And from there, he disappeared....*poooooof*

My friend who was the one who intro-ed me to him, was also baffled. She helped, by saying, "It's ok, he's too square for you I think and now i also know that he's weird."

just for the record, he's 4 years older than me and is of a different race. i think he must be searching for someone of his race.....

the one who taunted me

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.


I got to know “Z” through one of those networking site where you subscribe at a nominal price to contact others (anakmelayu.com). The site allows you to write what you’re looking for under your profile so my line was: Looking for the perfect man, but since there is no such thing as a perfect man, I’m just looking for my lost things lah…

So Z sent me an IM (in this case it’s called sticky notes) that said: I might not be the perfect man but I’d want to be your friend.

A browse through his profiles sent warning bells in my head. So “jiwang ah mamat ni” - he was so into Malay literature and looked like he breathed and lived in it. Nevertheless, I ignored the warning signals and even exchanged msn addresses. I thought it’s perfectly harmless to get to know a new person. So we chatted on msn for a bit.

Though I have a slim face, I’m not really one. But when he viewed my profile photo, Z kept saying that I was beautiful la...blah blah blah. Even to the point of quoting the song that was hot during that time, James Blunt’s “You’re so beautiful”. He kept asking me out but I always declined. I wasn’t playing hard to get but I’m seriously not the kind who meet guys randomly like that. However, I then discovered that my best friend’s colleague is actually Z’s sister (Z wasn’t aware of that). That and a push by my friend finally got me to agree to meet him.

Z picked me up in this small loud orange car that was screaming for attention. We hadn’t planned what to do that day. So in actual fact, if he was disappointed by what he saw… he could have cut the date short. But no… we went for coffee, dinner and then even watched a movie! All the time he was attentive, nice and we shared a good conversation. He did not display any signs of dread at all.

Anyway, after the meet up, (which Z initially termed a date) I sent him a polite sms to thank for the day out but there was no response.

2 days later on his profile, he posted a poem for “Si Dia” (That special one). I was like “HUH? Did I go out with someone’s guy?” So I messaged Z online through the site. Guess what? No response at all.

I was annoyed and needed closure, so I sent him an email. I knew exactly when he opened it but being the coward that he was, he never responded. So I thought that was it.

But 4 months later…I received a message from Z on msn. I had deleted his nick but had stupidly forgotten to block him. He sent a heart icon. “Strange,” I thought but since I was away from my computer at that time, I let it go.

The next time, I received another message from him - the heart wink. Curious, I sent him a msg. The following is an excerpt of what was exchanged:

Me: It’s weird that you keep on getting the wrong window.
Z: Yes, life is weird.
Me: Don’t get philosophical with me.
Z: You are still angry with me, you are entitled to.
Me: …
Z: can’t we restart?
Me: Restart what? (restart what? Nothing ever started in the first place.)
Z: Our Friendship
Me: Excuse me Mr Z, please define for me what it means by friendship, if it means keeping silent like that, that’s bull lah!
Z: I had my reasons then.
Me: care to tell me what is the reason?
Z: I felt something for you. You were decent, I was not so.
Me: that’s great, I’m decent and I got snubbed. Thanks a lot.

To cut things short, it was as though he was imploring me to forgive him, but of course who would be that stupid right? So when it was obvious that I would not back down, His parting line was: Stay sweet, diabetic and huge!

So much for him having feelings for me. Bluergh. I was so angry that I closed the window without remembering to block him.

The next thing I know, on another day, he sent me a message again on msn that went: Eh I think your car seat right, you have to make it bigger so can fit you.

It was too much right? In the first place, I could even fit into his freaking small car. But at least this time, I remembered to block him.

Totally annoyed, I went back to that site and sent him 2 sticky notes to give him a piece of my mind. It went something like this: I fat ke, I huge ke, what business is it of yours? For the record, I let God deal with people like you. Just want to say thank you because I finally am able to block you on msn.

And just so you know, the only reason I even agreed to go out with you was because I found out that your sister is my best friend’s colleague. Have a nice life. GOODBYE.

And you know what the best thing is? I have not even shared how this person looks like. If you guys have watched “Pendekar Bujang Lapok” before, I’m sure you are familiar with Ahmad Nisfu - The actor with the unforgettable nose… Well this fella can pass off as his grandson. Seriously.

I figured he must be a serial dater, going out with ladies must be his hobby and at the same time keeping his options open. Well guys like these can seriously go fly kite.

the music of my heart

i'm reading the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera. not an easy read, i must admit. the premise of the story is about the love lives of 2 couples but underneath this context is kundera’s take on philosopher friedrich nietzsche's theory of eternal return (if i'm wrong, please correct me, all you deep philo students).

ya. vair cheem. i also don’t get much of it. heh. but i read for his love analogies that i think most of us can relate to.

there’s a part in the book where he talks about how one word can hold different meanings for 2 people in a relationship, giving way to misunderstandings or a lack of understanding for each other.

he likens our lives to a musical composition. when we are young, our musical compositions are “still in its opening bars” and we write it together with our partner, through shared experiences, or motifs as he calls it.

each time the same object would give rise to a new meaning, through all
former meanings would resonate (like an echo, like a parade of echoes) together with the new one. each new experience would resound, each time enriching the harmony

we hear people say that first loves are the hardest to forget. maybe this is the reason why? that person you shared so much with has helped to carve your lives, whether you like it or not. memories and meanings resonate deep in your soul, and will remain part of you for many years to come, if not forever.

and have you ever realised how much easier it is to be with someone when we are younger? we didn’t have too many criteria of that perfect guy, we accept them as they are more readily, we are less critical of that person.

but as we get older, our musical compositions are more or less complete. every motif, every word holds a different meaning… making it harder to fit with another tune. even the slightest beats that are off key can make us throw away that composition, and vow never to listen to it again.

in the case of the 2 characters, franz and sabina, they met when they were older and there was this abyss separating these lovers.

he listened eagerly to the story of her life and she was equally eager to
hear the story if his, but although they had a clear understanding of the
logical meaning of the words they exchanged, they failed to hear the
semantic susurrus of the river flowing through them.

in short, they just don’t get each other. that’s the problem with trying to find a partner later in life. well, for me at least. on the outside, 2 people may look like they are fit for each other. but after they try to sing together, they realise their music, in fact, clash, making a din instead. or worse, silence.

as for me? i’m still trying to find a person who can strike a chord with my slightly offbeat and out of tune song :)

18 grams of love

A piece of paper weighs 8 grams.
A piece of envelope weighs 10 grams.
Together, you have a love letter that weighs 18 grams.

Surely a guy who bothers to write a letter, seals it in an envelope, places a stamp on it and walks all the way to post it in this time and age where he could easily email or sms is sincere? Or maybe not?

The movie "18 grams of love"

Awarded the Bronze Award, Audience Choice Category at the 13th Lyon Asian Film Festival, the local film possesses a certain colour and quirkiness that reminds me of French films. I’ve always appreciated a good irony so I had a fun time watching it. (Thanks b.h. for discovering this for me. I shan’t reveal the story, it’s your turn to watch, heh.)

The film inspired a naughty notion in me to blog about the different “18 grams of love” I had received in my earlier days of youth. (Yes, for the record, I am STILL a youth. And yes, I still keep a couple of letters for remembrance. But no, it wasn’t my hobby to collect them). I cringed as my mind recalled some hair-raising words I wouldn’t be able to avoid from typing but grinned at the hilarity of it all.

However when I returned home, I learnt that our blog has found a fan in a reader (*waves hand to welcome new readers on behalf of fellow hearties) and as delighted as I was after efforts to spread the word about this blog, I suddenly chickened out. Lol… I’m now imagining the sides of the veil of anonymity flapping in the wind… yikes! (Hey, at least I’m being honest here). Ok, ok, let's just say barren heart is currently our star blogger (*wicked grin).

Anyway, do help us spread the word and keep the comments popping as we slowly build the blog. We hearties would definitely appreciate some love, empathy, sympathy or just harmless fun-poking.

Or even better, your very own bubble-wrapped stories to share.

i just didn't learn

it starts with indifference
then the vacuum of emptiness
that deafening silence in the heart
heaviness of the soul sets in next
followed by inexplicable sadness
tingled with bitter anger

repeat cycle every month

---------------------------------------
memories circa 06/07

new year, new mindset – resolution to end singlehood

Just the other day, a friend was sharing her new year resolution with me – to find herself a guy. She was tired of being single.

“Sick of it!” she emphasised. It wasn’t the first time she expressed her frustrations of being single in these two months. Since her failed relationship which left her waiting and hoping for her ex-boyfriend for an arduous long time, it was only last year that she finally came full circle and decided to let go.

How ideal it would have been if a suitable guy had come along the very moment she decided to move on. But life is not always easy, isn’t it? Not even for a pretty, smart and successful career girl like her.

When she stated her resolution, I thought to myself, “Wow, is she determined or what?” It wasn’t her firm desire to have a boyfriend that impressed me, but more so her courage to set the goal in stone.

How many of us refuse to list our resolutions to avoid the dread of being confronted by our own broken promises at the end of the year? I’m sure there are many, myself included.

But there she was proclaiming her resolution. She was serious, and I believed her. Her determination was obvious, even contagious.

It doesn’t mean that she’s suddenly on a predatory hunt for the perfect man. But, she was consciously making a decision to step out of a cycle – the cycle of time and personal comfort.

It’s strange isn’t it, how our seeming flexibility, patience and willingness to “go with the flow” can actually be a trap that entrenches us in the very position we did not wish to remain long in the first place? It’s ironic how “going with the flow” can in fact cause a person to be stagnant.

She realized that she could be waiting all her life for that flow to work in her favour. So she decided she’s given time enough time. And what had long been a passive desire is now an active goal.

It’s amazing how we can set our minds and change our approach to achieving something just by viewing it in a different perspective.

the charmer

Having met a few guys in life, there was this particular one whom I'd never forget. He’s really a nice guy actually, but the signs were all  there for me to take note (which I didn’t) that he still hasn’t gotten over his ex. He told me it was a year since they broke up. The 1st time we met over coffee, he kept mentioning his ex. I was fine with that as my mind was open and that I told myself, I was just meeting him as a friend...but as time got by, he being the charmer, made me fall in love with him. And in less than 4 weeks later, he said he was going back to his girlfriend and giving her a chance. All this was over sms while I was in Borneo. My heart really shattered. Oh, for the record, he was the FIRST guy to give me flowers. White roses! Three of them. He said they represented me: Fine, Pure and Beautiful. Haa...CHARMER!

the one who made me pay

let’s talk about possibly one of the worst dates ever.

this happened like probably 4-5 years ago, after i just broke up with the ex. i got to know h.h. from friendster and we moved on to msn chats. that time he was in Taiwan for work, at a small IT firm where he and another partner set up. it was really nice chatting with him and we often talked about how he should come back to SG soon so we can have a good dinner (we were both foodies).

so finally he did come back for a few weeks for business. and we arranged to meet. he was staying at a rented room somewhere in the north so we met at a neighbourhood mall in the area. before we met, he was telling me that he’s short of cash. apparently, even though it’s a company trip, the firm didn’t really give him allowance or that it’s really really minimal. i was very sympathetic and all, but figured that he can get by.

anyway, we went to KFC to have dinner and we stood in line to queue for the food. our turn came, we ordered together. and while the cashier was getting the food ready for us, what would you do? get the money ready to pay right? but as we stood there, and almost all of our food was served on the tray, this guy didn’t even take out his wallet! so of course, SOMEONE had to pay and i did. but still, he didn’t offer to pay for anything! i mean, i wasn’t thinking that he should pay for me. i thought that at least, we’re going dutch.

that was a bit disconcerting for me, but ok la we just sat and had dinner and chatted as normal. i’m nice like that, what can i say?

but that’s not the worst part… no, no.

before we parted, he asked for a favour from me. he asked to borrow money la! during dinner, he was telling me again how he’s barely surviving here, and that he has to eat canned food in his room most days. i mean, poor thing also la. and he just wanted to borrow like $30 or $50. again, me being the nice (albeit naïve one) did. thing about me is that i can’t say no to people, especially one who is standing face to face with me. i figured it’s not a big amount anyway so what’s the harm.

he did return the money BUT he borrowed some more once or twice after that. small amounts again but at one point when he asked again, I just didn’t reply to his sms or answer his calls and just blocked him on msn. a friend told me that he can’t possibly survive on just those meagre amounts that i lent him. we concluded that he probably borrowed a bit from a few people to get by. but who knows? the weird thing is, shouldn’t you borrow money from people you know, like friends or school mates? Not someone you just met? when i went AWOL on him, he sent me emails and msges on friendster, all went unreplied. i figured i didn’t owe him any explanation but he seemed genuinely concerned that I just went *poof* on him. lol. oh well, since I’m not very good at saying no, i do the next best thing. run away. :)

so there you have it folks. what kind of dodo would lend money to a guy on a first date right? yours truly.

p/s: he has a habit of calling me ‘Dear’ which I dearly hate! urgh.

seeing is believing? or it is not?

As I look back at the number of guys I had met before in my life, I  realized that I indeed go for looks. I know it might sound very mean, but there were a few, whom, after some thoughts, I decided not to meet anymore because the person was lacking in the looks department. I know it is very mean of me to do that. Don’t get me wrong, of course I am one who is also particular about character. Sadly, I have yet to meet anyone with the character I am looking for and yet in the looks department, he might be average looking.

 Oh, and thankfully, I have never met anyone who is good looking but has bad character :P

However, I will try my best not to put too much emphasis in looks i.e. as long as it is pleasant enough *smiles*

the one who met the family

So it’s kinda obvious from my previous posts that I’m single right? It’s not like I want to… just that I’ve had more than my fair share of meeting weird guys and going on cringe-worthy dates. I told some friends about these ‘memorable’ dates. Some shook their heads in disbelief, others laughed at my ability to attract the strangest characters. One even BLOGGED about my dating mishaps, while making no effort to disguise my real identity.

So I thought, why not document these dating chronicles myself? Besides, I think there’s quite a number which I didn’t mention to my circle yet, so this would be a good outlet. A few pals have even told me to write a book about them. It’ll be hilarious, one said. Well, I’m not quite ready to go public with this yet so I’ll just write about them here, in our private little space :)

Here goes the first dating chronicle of barren heart…

I was supposed to meet a.d. for a movie after work. Unfortunately, my grandma was admitted to the hospital that afternoon. Tickets were already bought so I just decided to go meet him at the intended place and tell him in person that I had to cancel and offered to pay for both tickets. So we met, told him the story and he was cool about it.

But he insisted that he sends me to the hospital, saying he’s already out of his house anyway, has nowhere to go and that he got the car for the night. I felt bad of course, since I cancelled our plans on his off day, so I agreed. Once we got to the hospital carpark, I suddenly felt bad (again) that he sent me all the way to the west (he lives in the east). So I just opened my big mouth and asked “you wanna come up for a while?”

I mean, I asked out of politeness. I didn’t think anyone would say yes. It’s the 2nd time I’m meeting the guy, for goodness’ sake! But he said yes! Without the slightest hesitation!

“Oh shucks, what now?” I thought. I already envisioned the questions and staring I will get later. And I know it’s not just my parents. My aunts and uncles were at the ward too. *groan*

True enough, things couldn’t get more awkward in that little room. We walked in, I salam-ed everyone and introduced him to my parents. My parents gave him a once-over and I can TELL that they gave him a quick assessment.

Now, I should tell you a bit about a.d. I’m not particularly keen on going out with him. I mean, he’s friendly and all, decent looking, albeit about a few centimetres shorter than I am. But there was the perennial problem of not having much to talk to him about on our dates. The difference with this guy was that he does enough talking for the both of us. Lol! Yeap, he can go on and on… sometimes he slides in a few questions for me but then it’s back to talking about his principles, his experiences, his life… etc etc. It gets tiring at times but I figured, he’s not too bad for company on days I needed to get out.

So after the intro, everyone was telling me what happened to my grandma, were joking around with each other… while my dear friend was just standing there, not knowing what to say. I mean, what can he do right? It’s not like we’re on familiar terms, or we’re seriously dating that I have to get him to be chummy with my extended family. Heck, even I had a tough time trying to fill up the empty silent spaces between us! Ok so my dad did ask him some standard qns… where you working, where you live, etc but that’s it. There’s only so much my dad can ask a perfect stranger that his daughter brought out of the blue, right? It was just sooo weird.

Reprieve came after 30 minutes of agonizing, awkward standing around. He said he had to go off coz he has an early morning shift. Trying VERY hard not to look too eager, I sent him off at the lift.

Luckily for me, not too many questions from the parents after that. Although I kinda hoped that they think it’s someone I’m dating, since they’ve been bugging me to get hitched anyway. No such luck. I guess they figured that he’s not my kind. Or maybe they noticed how uncomfortable we were. Heh.

ol (boys) skool

as i was running through the guys i dated in my head (yes, i’m that bored on some days), i realised i’ve been going out with quite a number of guys from boy’s schools.

so far:
1 ri
1 vs
2 st pat’s
1 bartley

2 of the above, i was attached to. coincidence? I think not.

plus, these were all guys whom i enjoyed going out with (save for one, who was waaayy too ‘atas’ for me. more on that later). a bit of cheekiness in them, not too decent nonsense, a little bit of mat in them but far from being a typical mat. more like... smart mamat. and with all of the above, i can hold a decent conversation. read: no awkward silences.

what is it that they teach in these schools anyway? is it in the water cooler? the same-sex bonding from a young age? i think it’s the same for girls from convent schools. like, you can always tell them apart from other girls. A bit louder, more confident, kinda bitchy. heh. and when they tell you, “oh i’m from ‘so and so girls’ school”, you’ll go “yeah, I guessed as much”.

no? or is it just me? lol.

anyway, back to the boys. i guess from the above, i roughly know what kinda guy fits for me. not necessarily from a boys’ school but someone who’s a little bit of everything.

guess i'll have to wait along for the next old boy to come along :)

a thousand splendid suns

i finished this in 2 days. thanks w.h for the recommendation. i love it and yes, i did cry at some parts. i never thought that a story of two women in a far away land could grip me like this. that's the reason i never considered this book or kite runner before, even though they got rave reviews. for the simple reason that i thought i couldn't relate to it.

of coz, the tragedies and emotional turmoil in the book were nothing near to what i had gone through. what i could relate to was the story of relentless courage, hope, internal strength; the story of love lost (and found). this was what made the book so moving.

a particular line from the book struck me.

"...of all the hardships a person had to face none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting."

i think most of us can relate to that and gone through the agony of waiting.

waiting for something to happen.
waiting for someone to come home.
for the next meeting.
for that call/sms.
for answers.

i, for one, dont mind waiting. as long as i know that what i'm waiting for is coming, how ever overdue it is. the worst thing is waiting aimlessly, the fear that you are waiting in vain. waiting but not knowing what is it you're waiting for.

i thought i'm the kind of person who'd rather walk than wait. but i guess i have more patience than i gave myself credit for.