"we particularly relish in the other precisely the qualities that we lack ourselves. it would be absurd to crave what you already possess. in loving the other, we can come by to possess these qualities."
while i was cleaning out my closet yesterday, i came across this old diary i kept. one entry dated 21 nov 04 had a few quotes from this book conditions of love, by john armstrong. i remember reading it a few days after i broke up. it was a time of loss and trying to come to terms with what just happened, what went wrong. i guess i was trying to get some answers from this thin paperback from borders. hah.
the reason i jotted this quote down was coz reading it made me realise how true it is (for my case, at least). even now, as i reflect back on the guys i liked after 2004, it's still true.
the attributes that attract me to the guys i like are those that i dun possess myself. we love someone in the hope that what we love in them will rub on us, somehow. i think it makes sense, just that we dont do it consciously, just on a subconscious level.
say, my first ex... he's confident, speaks and writes well, a literary whiz to my then-17 year old self. one of the first things i loved about him was that he had a way with words, which i was (and still) a sucker for. it is what i aspire to be, so it could be one of the factors that made me fall in love then.
more recently, a co-worker i have a teeny crush on. he's my age, and yet he's already a manager, handling huge projects and with a team under him. on top of that, he has his own little entertainment company that he manages at night, something that he does simply coz he loves it. his passion to work and play just as hard is what i like about him, coz maybe im not someone whos so driven like him. of coz, he's kinda cute too :P
another one is this guy i met 3 yrs ago. he's one adventurous bugger, the kind who cant sit still and needs his adrenaline fix all the time. he regaled to me his dirt biking days, the times he went camping outdoors, cycling all around singapore, riding out to malaysia every other week, and how he's taken probably 20 part time jobs in his youth... as i sat there open-mouthed at how much he's done. again, it just amazes me how passionate and driven someone can be, something that's almost alien to one who's in a constant state of inertia as me :)
anyway, this could only be true for me, i dunno.
why not you guys reflect on this and tell me if it's the same for you.
yea I've always believed in this. in fact, it's one of the few things I would reflect on before deciding to go further in a relationship. what can the guy bring to the relationship for me. I don't mean in a materialistic kinda way. but how will he motivate and influence me in my growth as an individual.
ReplyDeletebut the same goes for myself. I must confess, I often feel good if I know I can be the source of his drive to do greater things.
aft all, it makes the relationship all the more fulfilling if both parties not just merely complement but also inspire each other :)
tat sounds like a healthy rship :)
ReplyDeletei guess this is also why ppl say opposites attract... but the opposites have to be complementary, a balance of ying/yang.
ah well, another one to add to the criteria eh? :)
It is definitely true.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I have seen so many promising couples whose originaly source of attraction (opposite yet complementary qualities of one another) end up being a bone of contention after they are married!
For e.g. "Why can't you be more ______?" (fill in the blanks with the appropriate accusation). Someone who is active --> Why can't you stay home for once? You're always going out!
Then again, perhaps it is just me making a flawed observation. Hehee
hehe nah it's very valid and not flawed at all. but that's just life, sometimes we expect others to be like us and become exasperated should they differ even slightly. because it's so natural for us to behave or do something in a certain way, we think it should be common sense for the other person too.
ReplyDeletethe amusing thing is, be it a celebrated difference or similarity during courtship, they both often become the source of frustration aft marriage. it's strange but true. and it happens all the time, heh
Barren heart, I really, really like the quote with which you began this entry. And can't agree more. Here's my little few cents worth to share. I read somewhere that (either biologically or phsychologically), it is somewhat proven that we tend to like or be attracted to our 'similar-opposites'. They're not 100% like us, but they possess certain characteristics/personalities that we are drawn towards because we can sense that familiarity. And at the same time, there are some differences in that aura of similarity which makes us even more so attracted.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if i'm writing in circles here :P. But i can't help but think, women being women (or maybe just me), while i'd love and appreciate some complementary styles or differences of another which I prolly don't have in me, i also realised i can't deal with too much of it. And the thing is, it's not that I don't handle differences well (at least friends do say i'm not that bad..hahaha), it's just that to be in a constant state of trying to figure or iron out these sources of frustration repeatedly, becomes emotionally & mentally draining! It happens all the time isn't it? I just hope i don't have to always battle with this if i were to ever be with someone someday.
Wondering heart - I like the way you coined the term 'celebrated difference or similarity'!:) And i totally am in sync with you about how being with someone could/would/should help motivate and influence in my growth as an individual or be the source of each others' drive to do greater things. Trust me, at this very moment, this is perhaps the highest degree of what love can do to me.... - Vanilla
hmmm, now tat u guys mentioned it, yeah too much of a difference would pose some problems later on in the rship. i've been guilty of that many times too :)
ReplyDeletebut then, this is only the first part of the process... the part when you fall in love. wat happens after that and wat u do to maintain that love is a whole new ballgame. falling in love is the easy part (so ppl tell me). making the love grow betw 2 very different people is the trickier bit.
thanks for all the comments, lovelies. its heartening really. i think u hearties should post a few entries of ur own and share your insights :)