just not that into you

What’s so bad about being single? More women are staying unmarried longer; I see a lot of ladies who are in their thirties who are still unattached (by choice or by lack of men, that’s another story). There’re so many of us, shouldn’t we take some comfort in that… that we’re not all alone?

Well, I guess not alone doesn’t mean not lonely. Turning 28, I wouldn’t have been too concerned about my status if not for the constant badgering from certain parties. You know, the questioning and the pitiful looks you get at family gatherings, especially when a younger relative gets engaged/married. Just leave us be, and I’m sure that we’ll be fine. We got a job, we’re independent, not asking for handouts, not knocked up… so what’s so bad about our lives now?

But the truth is, I can’t help but be affected by the family pressure. When so many people are telling me to get married, get kids before it’s too late and before all the good men run out… it’s hard not to put the pressure on myself. With a deadline to this mission called Marriage, I find myself fighting against time. Suddenly, I NEED to get a man, get hitched and pop a baby by the time I hit 30.

So what’s a girl to do? I get desperate. I lower my expectations. Heck, just lose any kind of expectations. Just get a decent man who’s willing to be with me, I told myself. No more looking for the love of my life or even falling in love again. I’ll settle.

I was talking to a friend about this. His perspective was that it’s not called settling. It’s more of a trade off. You trade love for something else… security, stability, happiness. Let’s face it, the one you love may not always bring you happiness. Sure, the first few months are pure bliss, you’re floating on air, practically overdosing on endorphins. But with such passion, comes the intense emotions on the other end of the spectrum. The harder you love, the harder you fall. And for some reason, the course of true love never runs smooth (who the heck came up with that anyway, it’s a sucky but irritatingly true theory). The person who brims your heart with love will surely fill it with pain at some point or another. How twisted is that?

And he said that instead of going through that heartache in the name of love, why not put up with someone more stable instead? Less pain, more gain.

That’s what I’ve been trying to psyche myself up to do for the last few months. “I'll get married to the next guy who comes along who’s approved by my family and not some psycho killer,” I resolved to myself.

So the next guy did come along. mr nervous eyes. I told you, he’s a really decent guy, very marriage material. I told myself, just heck it. Just ask him straight if he wants to get married coz honestly, dating these days are tiring affairs for me. I just wanted to get it over and done with.

But something was holding me back. He was going to be the one I’m gonna be with for the rest of my life. Can I really tell myself I can live with it? Live with someone who doesn’t know a thing about me, and whom truthfully, I don’t care too much for, too. Living each day like a lie, knowing this isn’t what I want, but it’s what my family wanted. Waking up knowing this isn’t the person I love. How does one live like that?

So that’s it. I didn’t have the courage to go ahead and propose to him (haha).

Ok, so maybe the other next guy who comes along then.

In comes mr sporadic. He’s named so coz when I first got to know him, he called me… sporadically. Like maybe once a week. But recently, he’s been calling me almost everyday. Sometimes, twice a day. And been asking me out quite often, too.

From the signs of it, it looks positive. He hasn’t actually said anything explicit but I guess he’s keen to keep going out with me? He’s not the typical guy I’d go for but he makes me laugh. And he seems like he’s quite the family guy. So far so good.

But instead of feeling excited about this one, strangely, I feel a heavy sense of dread in my stomach each time he calls or asks me to meet him. Weird. Finally mr sporadic was turning into mr consistent… but I’m hardly happy about it. I’m even wishing that he’s just being friendly and he just likes me as a gal pal (which is highly likely).

And I came to the conclusion that well… I’m just not into him. Certainly not enough to get serious with.

Bottom line is, even as I tell myself to settle and give up love for something more concrete and reliable, I think it’s too scary and too difficult to go through with. As much as I don’t want to end up old and living with a house full of cats, I can’t bring myself to do this.

Not now at least. Check back with me when I hit 30.