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What you see isn't always everything.
It sure is easy to think that we know those who are close to us. We want to believe that what we see and hear from the person is all there is to it. But we can never know for certain because what really goes on inside another’s head and heart is essentially a secret.
As Gail Saltz wrote it in the ‘Anatomy of a Secret’ which I'm reading, “to have secrets is to be human”.
I am certainly very human. Even while I find comfort in the anonymity of this blog, often, I find myself censoring my own self for fear of revealing too much. Maybe it’s because I simply can’t bring myself to allow a stranger to know ‘me’ without me having an equal chance to know him too.
Secrets are, as Gail had aptly captured it, “the currency of close relationships, the coin of exclusivity, sometimes the key to love itself”.
If I choose to share my secret with you, it’s because I trust you. And with trust, it’s always a risk. I guess that’s the reason I fear I may end up being hurt somehow if I reveal too much of myself to anyone other than my selected few. Believe me, my fears are not unfounded. I once confided in someone I was comfortable with but not exactly close to just because the ‘distance’ gave me a faux sense of security and thereafter, things went horribly wrong. Lesson learnt, now with people I am not close to, I live by the line “You tell me your secrets and I’ll tell you mine. Maybe”.
Secrets – can’t live with them, can’t live without them.
We all have secrets. I know I guard mine fiercely, allowing only those I’m close to aware of my vulnerabilities. Maybe the very people I’m close to keep secrets from me, and I fully respect that. But it can hurt sometimes when you know they’re doing it. After all, if those close to you harbour secrets from you, doesn't that mean they are intentionally excluding you from their lives?
It hurts even more when you know that after opening yourself up totally to them, they would only share scraps of fuzzy, vague details to you. I guess for me, it just makes me wonder where I stand in the relationship.
And while we may say that someone who doesn’t know everything about us doesn’t really know us, can we truly say that we know ourselves?
As a quote from Frank Warren goes:
There are two kinds of secrets:
Those we keep from others,
And the ones we hide from ourselves.
The secrets we keep from ourselves are the ones we simply refuse to acknowledge. They are the ones that we bury over time and we’d become embarrassed or enraged if we ever feel the slightest threat of being exposed.
Just like the secrets we keep from others, these inner secrets too, want to be released. So they try to escape somehow, and give themselves away through fleeting facial expressions, dreams and slips of the tongue, etc.
Has someone you’re close to ever done something inexplicably out of character? I know someone. When I discovered it, I realised suddenly that I didn't know him very well. Maybe even not at all. I suppose that’s when the malignant secret take on more troubling forms.
But without access to these inner secrets, we can’t really know ourselves at all. Instead, we’re forced to spend our lives in a state of continual vagueness, ignorant of the reasons behind our own actions and perceptions.
When someone commits something we would least expect of him, naturally we will question the need to conceal. I believe it’s not the ‘what’ but the ‘why’ that matters most.
If he refuses to reveal why, then I suppose, he is making a choice to hide his real self not only from others but also from his own self. And unless he faces up to the secret he keeps from himself, it will only be a matter of time before the malignant secret starts spreading again to find an outlet through troubling forms.
And when you find someone in whom you can confide all your secrets and who in turn can confide all his or her secrets in you, then for the first time since infancy you will have found a person who seemingly knows everything about you, and that is what we might call love.
And if I may find someone who will lead me to the heart of his secrets, I will not hesitate to lead him to my heart.
What’s so bad about being single? More women are staying unmarried longer; I see a lot of ladies who are in their thirties who are still unattached (by choice or by lack of men, that’s another story). There’re so many of us, shouldn’t we take some comfort in that… that we’re not all alone?
Well, I guess not alone doesn’t mean not lonely. Turning 28, I wouldn’t have been too concerned about my status if not for the constant badgering from certain parties. You know, the questioning and the pitiful looks you get at family gatherings, especially when a younger relative gets engaged/married. Just leave us be, and I’m sure that we’ll be fine. We got a job, we’re independent, not asking for handouts, not knocked up… so what’s so bad about our lives now?
But the truth is, I can’t help but be affected by the family pressure. When so many people are telling me to get married, get kids before it’s too late and before all the good men run out… it’s hard not to put the pressure on myself. With a deadline to this mission called Marriage, I find myself fighting against time. Suddenly, I NEED to get a man, get hitched and pop a baby by the time I hit 30.
So what’s a girl to do? I get desperate. I lower my expectations. Heck, just lose any kind of expectations. Just get a decent man who’s willing to be with me, I told myself. No more looking for the love of my life or even falling in love again. I’ll settle.
I was talking to a friend about this. His perspective was that it’s not called settling. It’s more of a trade off. You trade love for something else… security, stability, happiness. Let’s face it, the one you love may not always bring you happiness. Sure, the first few months are pure bliss, you’re floating on air, practically overdosing on endorphins. But with such passion, comes the intense emotions on the other end of the spectrum. The harder you love, the harder you fall. And for some reason, the course of true love never runs smooth (who the heck came up with that anyway, it’s a sucky but irritatingly true theory). The person who brims your heart with love will surely fill it with pain at some point or another. How twisted is that?
And he said that instead of going through that heartache in the name of love, why not put up with someone more stable instead? Less pain, more gain.
That’s what I’ve been trying to psyche myself up to do for the last few months. “I'll get married to the next guy who comes along who’s approved by my family and not some psycho killer,” I resolved to myself.
So the next guy did come along. mr nervous eyes. I told you, he’s a really decent guy, very marriage material. I told myself, just heck it. Just ask him straight if he wants to get married coz honestly, dating these days are tiring affairs for me. I just wanted to get it over and done with.
But something was holding me back. He was going to be the one I’m gonna be with for the rest of my life. Can I really tell myself I can live with it? Live with someone who doesn’t know a thing about me, and whom truthfully, I don’t care too much for, too. Living each day like a lie, knowing this isn’t what I want, but it’s what my family wanted. Waking up knowing this isn’t the person I love. How does one live like that?
So that’s it. I didn’t have the courage to go ahead and propose to him (haha).
Ok, so maybe the other next guy who comes along then.
In comes mr sporadic. He’s named so coz when I first got to know him, he called me… sporadically. Like maybe once a week. But recently, he’s been calling me almost everyday. Sometimes, twice a day. And been asking me out quite often, too.
From the signs of it, it looks positive. He hasn’t actually said anything explicit but I guess he’s keen to keep going out with me? He’s not the typical guy I’d go for but he makes me laugh. And he seems like he’s quite the family guy. So far so good.
But instead of feeling excited about this one, strangely, I feel a heavy sense of dread in my stomach each time he calls or asks me to meet him. Weird. Finally mr sporadic was turning into mr consistent… but I’m hardly happy about it. I’m even wishing that he’s just being friendly and he just likes me as a gal pal (which is highly likely).
And I came to the conclusion that well… I’m just not into him. Certainly not enough to get serious with.
Bottom line is, even as I tell myself to settle and give up love for something more concrete and reliable, I think it’s too scary and too difficult to go through with. As much as I don’t want to end up old and living with a house full of cats, I can’t bring myself to do this.
Not now at least. Check back with me when I hit 30.
contributed by one of our readers, random heart.
I have a colleague ‘N’ whom I nicknamed Ahbeng. Don’t get me wrong, he does not dress nor look like one but he has this “why, wanna fight izzit?” demeanor with regards to work. It is also irritating to note that he certainly has mastered the art of Taichi and would always taichi work to the unfortunate me, who happens to be in the same department.
Mr Ahbeng is single and had once complained how he was 28, no girlfriend not married….blah blah blah. But I’ve experienced a few weird moments with him.
Incident one:
Anyway, on one occasion, where the two of us again were arrowed to do work, he had a lil’ question for me: Eh what if you like a Chinese guy, then how? I mean you really love this man you know and he does not want to convert.
I didn’t really want to answer him but replied anyway: I love God more.
Incident two:
I was talking to a colleague “A” who had just become a father and he was grousing about how expensive raising a child is.
I laughed jokingly at him and said: Seelah... who told you to get married and have a child?
A: You wait, your time will come and then I will laugh at you.
Me: Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I’ll marry a rich man.
Unexpectedly, Ahbeng quipped: If you want rich Chinese man, I’m here, but no need to convert can?
There was an awkward silence before A and I talked about something else.
Incident three:
Once I had to go to the National Museum with Ahbeng for a course and I didn’t want to drive, so I got a ride from him instead. He drove his Sports car like a maniac and pretended not to know where to park his car. So where did he park instead? ROM! Freaky right?
Incident four:
And last year, at an overseas trip, I had jokingly pointed out to him a chart aptly named "Convert me", remembering the joke of last 2 years. His answer was: I told you the reason already, that’s what’s stopping me since 2 years ago.
I’ve since decided to keep my mouth shut and not try to be a smart alec. LOL. Is it me or Ahbeng might have a thing for me? I don’t know. One thing I'm sure of, his work attitude really sux and I just cannot stand him sometimes.
Me and my bloody mouth. Or rather fingers. After my wicked remarks about mr nervous eyes, I actually met a mr confident eyes on my way home in the mrt.
You know how it is like in the mrt… you just tend to observe people whether you consciously wanted to or not. I was seated diagonally across mr confident eyes, watching people around when my eyes met his. I don’t know why but we just looked at each other for some time. I couldn't look away. But I think just when he was carving a smile halfway, I managed to quickly turn away. Then I spent the rest of the journey avoiding his direction.
But the real tense moment came when we changed trains and he sat right in front of me. Oh man...
Our eyes locked a few times and each time he would just hold my gaze, undaunted. But it wasn’t a perverted, lusty stare or anything gross. It was simply a calm, honest, sincere, clear gaze. I said clear cos his eyes were non-murky (yes, i'm sure barren would agree). They were nice and shiny plus he seemed like a decent guy.
But while mr confident eyes didn’t intimidate me, his gaze made me nervous. My heart was palpitating. Gosh I felt like a school girl lah!
And guess what, we stood up at the same time to alight... I walked over to the door and he stood right beside me. When I looked up at him, he was looking at me with smiling eyes, so all I could do was muster a lame, hesitant, straight smile.
That’s it, I thought. I could no longer handle the weird and uncomfortable feeling. So when the door opened, I did what I do best whenever I felt that way:
Run. Or rather in this case – speedwalked (the platform was crowded).
lesson learnt: don't ever make fun of people with nervous eyes cos there'll always be someone who can make you nervous with their eyes.
side note: I wonder if this magnetic eye contact episode is due to the new magnetic bed sheet Mum bought for me.
..............cricket, cricket, cricket.............
Ya, that’s exactly how it sounds like! You know, when all is quiet and
all you can hear is the sounds of crickets. Well, maybe you might not
have heard it before, but I have. So, let me begin my entry today on the
issue of silence.
Ok, maybe silence is too big a word. Let’s just say, you have got to
know a guy and then you find him really a “limited edition with words or
topics” kind of guy. What do you do? Well, I’m naturally very chatty (in
a good way of course, I hope) and I would very much prefer a guy whom
could have “sparring” moments with me in conversation. I love talking
about anything under the sun, particularly about general knowledge and
current affairs.
The following, to me IS not a fulfilling conversation.
Him: Hi, How are you? How was your day?
Me: Hi! I’m good. My day was ok. It was (and I go on bla bla bla....)
How was you day?
Him: Mine was ok. Work was busy. (A few words added on)
Me: Aha...ok...
5 minutes later
Me: Silence.
Him: Silence
Arrghh...this is not a conversation to me. It is very boring. I want to
talk more about current affairs etc, but when I try to, I get very short
answers like:-
Me: So, do you watch the news?
Him: Yes, sometimes, but not everyday..
Me: *Thinks and decides, hmmm...ok, I’d better not start a topic on
world news*
Then, I back off i.e. I decide not to talk too much because, I fear that
I might be too pompous when I start a topic but I get no rebuttals
(harmless ones) or exchanges of ideas in his point of view.
So, one of the criteria I am definitely looking in a future husband is,
definitely someone who can carry a conversation well with me...
the one who had nervous eyes
I went on a couple of dates recently with an awfully shy guy. From what I heard, he hasn’t had much experience with girls, and never had a girlfriend before even though he’s currently at the ripe age of 35. A really decent guy this one; stable job, drives a car, takes good care of his mom. Very marriage material. But I can tell that every time we go out (it’s been 3 - 4 times now), he’s still nervous around me. Now, I’m not particularly chatty myself. But I’m a fairly ‘responsive’ dater. That means if the other party makes the first move, I’ll reciprocate; if he’s talkative, I’ll encourage him to talk more. And if he’s at ease with me, I’ll naturally be more comfortable around him too.
And the reverse is also true. If someone is nervous around me, I’ll be restless. This guy I went out with gets really fidgety when we meet. He’d shake his legs when we sit down for a meal (I felt like telling him to stop it after 10 seconds). He looks left and right whenever talking to me, very hardly maintaining eye contact. And sometimes, I’d catch his fingers/hands shaking. Sigh. I’m so scary meh?
I don’t know how long he’ll take to lose his nerves with me. I'm sorry to say this, but it’s becoming a tad bit annoying. Like going out with a primary school boy la. I’m no expert in playing the field and I definitely am not looking for someone with a long dating history. But I don’t want to go out with a dating ‘virgin’ either.
People say I should give him a chance, that he’s fine when he’s around his family and friends and he’s just very very very shy. But it’s been 4 – 5 months since I got to know him and I’m getting tired for something to happen. Chemistry cannot be forced and I doubt it’ll appear miraculously out of nowhere.
Oh wells. I'm just going to give him a few more months. If no progress... next!!!
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windows to the soul
As I was doing my post mortem on mr nervous eyes, I was doing a bit of self-reflection. Even as I complain that he doesn’t look at me in the eye when he talks, I’m actually also guilty of having shifty eyes. Heh. Not as much as him (I hope) but yeah, sometimes when I’m not too familiar with the person I’m talking to, I tend to look around. Bad habit, I know. I think it’s a sign of low self-esteem?
So when I meet people with whom I can maintain steady eye contact with, I know that this is a) someone I can trust or b) someone special. You know they said the eyes are the windows to the soul. By letting someone look deep in your eyes and by gazing into theirs in return, it’s almost like you’re opening up to them without having to say a word. And when someone looks at you straight, you feel as if they are telling the truth and have got nothing to hide. And I realised it’s this kind of openness that I tend to fall in love with.
But of course, I don't love just any Tom, Dick or Harry who stares at me. That can be kinda pervy right? :P
Oh and one more thing about eyes (sorry for this temporary obsession). I realise I tend to develop crushes on guys with nice, clear eyes. I don’t know how to describe it. Not… murky? Lol. And speaking of nice eyes, I just met up with an ex-crush whose eyes I’d love to gaze at forever *swoon*
In any case, that debbie gibson song, lost in your eyes, really does make more sense now :)
