It was a nice sultry morning and it was during a tea break outside class when I saw a small middle-eastern looking family consisting of husband and wife and 2 young kids. The wife was carrying a lonely planet guidebook in one hand while carrying her toddler daughter. Another kid, a boy, probably 5 years old was carrying a medium sized Spiderman haversack and trawling behind his mom. As for the husband, he was pulling a really huge hard shell-type of suitcase. They entered the popular backpackers’ i.e. Sleepy Sam’s but came out soon after. I guess there were no rooms. Sleepy Sam is always packed with travellers. It’s located at such a nice area, it’s no wonder why it’s so popular. The family then left and walked on.
A family that travels together stays together!
It was such a wonderful sight of family togetherness that, instantly, I felt inspired...when oh when?
They say love hides in corners. Then, I must be walking in circles...
I should have thought things through before I gave that little teaser at the end of my last entry.
What can I possibly say about a date who doesnt talk much right?
But anyways.
I got to know mr n last year. We started off conversing over the sms and met up a few times before. It's sort of a matchmake thingy by my family so I just gave it a shot for the sake of the other people involved in this.
The problem every time we meet is this...”cricket...cricket...” (sound efx courtesy of plastered heart).
At first I thought it was merely because we just got to know each other. But the last date I had with him a few weeks ago, which was the 4th, was really not much different from the 1st one.
The first time we met was for dinner after work, at this eating place both of us had always wanted to go. I ended work at 6, made my way down and reached there at 7 and I was home by.... 8.30. I told my mom that I wasn't coming home for dinner and SHE was surprised to see me back so early cos usually my dinner with friends will last until at least 9ish or 10.
During dinner, we tried to keep the conversation going... it usually revolved around work. Other topics surfaced but none were engaging... I really didn't remember much of it. You know how a typical dinner date will be followed by maybe drinks or coffee somewhere else but how could I suggest it when we were barely talking over dinner. It's not like we had so much to talk about to each other that we had to go elsewhere. So yeah, I was sent straight home (and it's not like HE suggested it either).
Dates two and three were slightly better (lasted more than 2 hours), but in terms of er.. quality of talk time, it was still so-so. After that, there was a long hiatus when he didnt ask me out, so I was relieved (at least I could tell my mom that HE stopped calling me mah).
But he did ask me out again for a movie recently. So how did it go? I really enjoyed it... the movie, that is. The show ended at about 4.30pm, still early right? So I thought we'd go for a meal at least. I was starving but when I asked him if he was hungry, he replied, “actually i'm not hungry.... but if you wanna eat, I can accompany you la.”
ok granted, he did offer to eat with me but so weird right? What is he gonna do while I eat? Twiddle his thumbs? We got nothing to say to each other! So I said it's ok, i'll eat at home. After that we basically just walked around the whole mall, without really shopping or window shopping. I was waiting for him to say something about where to go next or at least say that we should go off now, but he didnt! When we reached the spot where we first started walking from, I couldnt stand it anymore and just told him “Where you wanna go now? If you have nowhere in mind, just go home ah.”
Even though dates with mr n were very short, I always feel drained out. I think it's coz I have to think so hard of the next topic to talk about... have you guys ever done that before? It's tiring! Plus, I have to keep a polite smile or at least, try to not look too bored. That also sapped my energy...
As much as I want to give this a shot, and as much as my parents want this to work out, it's really futile. What's this talk about ppl getting better after they get married and will open up more then? At the current rate we're going, it's a huge risk that i'd be taking, by hoping that he would be a different person.
Maybe he's one of those guys who really don't know how to express themselves with words. But even if I accept the fact that he's not a very vocal person, I dont know how to work around it and build a relationship out of this. If there's some initial attraction or common grounds to start with, maybe it's possible. But this, like a friend said, is like fitting a circle into a square. It wont work.
I decided after I got home that day that I'm not going to waste time (mine and his) on this anymore. If he ever asks me out again, i'll have to say no. and if my parents ask about my progress with him, i'm going to have to tell them I cant do this anymore.
If there were any truth to my friends’ comments that I sometimes think like a man, I only have one person to attribute it to – my dad.
I love my dad. I honestly do. But I’m also declaring this cos I’m certain he can’t read this. Gosh, if he could, I know he’d be reacting awkwardly and uncomfortably, and so would I.
Dad is really one tough shell that’s hard to crack, but when you do (after a lot of patience), you’ll be surprised to discover tenderness and warmth.
In fact, his act of love is sometimes beyond the ordinary. This was the man who loves children but did not even carry any of his own when they were babies cos he didn't want them to be too emotionally attached to him. All because he truly believed back then that he would die young.
There was a time when I would always become the mediator between him and Mum. I was told that he harbours a soft spot for me. I don’t know why… perhaps he somehow could see himself in me (albeit a much diluted version heh).
In turn, as I grew up and learnt more about Dad, I saw in him, the same characteristics I would love to see in my own man.
Dad had always been some sort of a rebel since his youth. Based on his early corporate days, I can’t decide if he was popular or notorious. His confidence hardly wavers when he’s stating his opinions, even in the face of those older than he is. It amazes me that he can be defiant yet respectful towards elderly.
He is smart and cunning (in a positive way, of course, lol), capable at making things fall into place. He always enjoys a good debate and exchange of ideas. And he is principled, unafraid to stand up for his family and what he believes in.
I love his creativity and rationality, how he’s objective and focused in solving a problem either through his own devised strategies or based on sound investigation. I must add, though that he’s been showing more of his emotional side in recent years.
He knows what he wants and how to get it. In the old days Mum had no lack of suitors and when Dad heard that someone was going to propose to her, he swiftly asked for her hand in marriage days earlier. Haha what a hoot! I imagined it must've been romantic.
But I must confess that though I would love to see comparable qualities in my own man… I know those same qualities come with unfavourable “side effects”.
Dad’s confidence is flanked with ego, chauvinism and impatience I could never fathom.
I’ve never told anyone this. But one memory that I had since I was a child is so vivid that I suspect it had a profound effect on me.
I was young and hardly ever saw my parents in the days and nights. Sometimes I’d stay up really late just to have a glimpse of their faces. Other times when I’d succumb to sleep, I’d wake up real early just so I could catch them before they left home.
But one time, I woke up to hear Dad’s loud booming voice. Mum was equally loud and defiant. My parents were quarrelling in their room and it certainly was not pleasant to a young child.
And I think maybe… just maybe… a voice inside my head whispered to me… “I don’t want an angry man.”
That was a conclusion of six-year-old me.
Now, at twenty-seven, I have learnt to view things in a different perspective in an effort to see the bigger picture cos a good relationship is not unlike a jigsaw puzzle where two very different pieces fit perfectly together.
Instead of wondering half the time how Mum could tolerate Dad's temper, I started to observe... and I discovered that similarities need not necessarily give couples common ground cos they brought my parents clashes as much as differences did. Instead of worrying if they were ever gonna split up, I looked at how the marriage had lasted. I'm happy to say that while my parents still quarrel like any other couple, it was never in the same way again, thank goodness. The adult me has observed that a lot of times we are so certain about the qualities we do or do not want to see in a partner that we forget to envision how the same qualities can make us stronger or weaker as a person.
So a tip I gathered... before we can find a partner that best compliment our own qualities, we’ve got to understand ourselves well first.
And so the first man in my life has taught me a lot of things.
Recently, I was enlightened by the discovery of a little known fact. Someone told me that from reading this blog, he realised that men’s dating experiences and thought processes are not much different from us girls’.
I find it hard to believe, but there you have it, coming straight from the (male) horse’s mouth.
"The fact is that we men are less reluctant to express ourselves… but still feel the same emotions as any other woman. They do think much of things. Just tat they don’t show it. I guess tats how men are being built."
So there you go folks. Man’s biggest secret: They are just like us. Maybe they do post-mortem on their dates. Maybe they are just as insecure about us as we are about them. And they find us hard to decipher.
But the difference is this – even though they think like us, they don’t act the same. They are not likely to express what they’re thinking, or discuss their dates with their mates or jot them down in a public space like this :)
To me, this is one of the most frustrating attributes of the male species. Why can’t they express themselves more? Or say what they feel? I’ve always felt that honesty is the way to go to make any relationship work. So how will it work when one party doesn’t say what’s going on in their heads?
This was one of the main causes of many recurring fights I had with my partner before. We can’t possibly live like that all our lives can we? It’s not healthy when such genetic differences get in the way of a relationship.
I lamented on how guys seem more attentive and are more likely to share their emotions when they first get to know us girls. After the courtship is over, they tend to get lazy and not be as expressive as the first few months.
His take on men being less attentive after courtship is this… the concept of love in a man is very simple. Man loves woman and decides to be with her. To a man...that’s the ultimate declaration of his love. He doesn’t have to express anything else after that.
Ok. That’s discovery no. 2 for me. So since we can’t change the way the male brain works (and god knows how hard we’ve tried), what to do?
His solution is that each gender must understand the psyche of one another. It’s not just about fitting the bill or finding the perfect partner. It’s the ability to be comfortable with each other's psyche… It’s a feeling, not an action.
I guess that’s compromise at the very top level. Whoever you end up with, you have to understand that guys are built differently from us. But I think it’s much easier to compromise if you’re with someone you love in the 1st place. If not, it’s going to be the hardest relationship ever.
I think the underlying lesson my companion was telling me was this:
There is no point in blaming or finding fault in all the men that we dated, coz ultimately, men are built differently.
Perhaps the reason I’m still single and searching is because of my mindset.
I could either wait (possibly a long, long one) for the right kind of guy to come along. Or I could have a mindset change, a paradigm shift, or perception management, if you can call it that.
Once I accept the fact that very few men are going to pour out their heart and soul to me, maybe it’ll be easier to be with a man of very few words.
We’ll see about that. Stay tuned for updates of my date with The One Who Had Little to Say.
p/s: thanks to the guy with whom i had this interesting conversation with. but if i had misrepresented what you said in any way or left anything out, please feel free to make it right :)
The other day I received an sms from a close relative. She was asking me about a recent unfortunate event with regards to my love life. She was concerned about my well being of course, but I was too stunned to feel the slightest appreciation.
How the hell did she know? It was something very personal to me. Although it wasn't something wrongly committed by me, it was something private I had been guarding fiercely and only managed to share with a few of my very close friends.
How the hell did she know? I felt so exposed.
My mind whirled, tracing and mapping the links. I was so pissed! I had been so careful in controlling and containing the secret and pain but it slipped my mind that I was not and could not oversee the other party’s management of the event that had taken place.
It didn’t take me long to identify the source, the common place. Horror hits me when I realised I had also roped in a business associate to use the services of the same place. And that business associate is close to another friend of mine who’s not exactly the best guardian of secrets.
Shoot.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised if the rest in the clique knows about it too. Was that why they were wondering how "I've been doing" more frequently?
Was that why they had then ‘considerately’ left me out of certain sensitive topics at our last gathering? Honestly, I was relieved at the time, but was that because they knew?
Sigh... I swear if the H1N1 could spread like any juicy news or rumour, the human race would be defeated.
whenever i walked into a room, my eyes will unconsciously scan around for the object of my affection. and somehow, it usually only takes 2 seconds to zoom in on him. i find it amazing how i can spot him from the corner of my eyes even in a room crammed with people.
sometimes, all i needed to do was look up and there he was. just the sight of him was enough to cool my heart. some moments, our eyes met and... *melts*
this time, it lasted all of 5 days. after that, i was done with my infatuation and i lost interest.
infatuation. talk about cheap and fast thrills. :)
three souls unite to bubble wrap the fragile and the most precious from harm – their hearts.
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