the perfect date

Recently, I had a lovely date. We met for lunch, went to a lovely café for tea, did some window shopping, and finally, had dinner while people watching and bitching about innocent passersby. During the date, I was at ease with my companion, the mood was relaxed, and I had the best conversations throughout the day… the kind that just flowed.

Too good to be true? Not if my date is a girl :)

No, I’m not that desperate to switch to the other side (yet) but yes, a lot of my good dates recently had been with the girls. My girlie dates.

At the end of that date, I was telling my friend how nice it would be to spend the whole day like this with a guy. Just chilling out, no need to try so hard to impress the other party and no need to rack your brains to think of the next politically correct topic to talk about (there’s only so much about the weather we can talk about). Why is it so hard to find someone who just can hang out with us? A good date doesn’t have to be just going to the movies or having a meal per se. It’s just spending quality time with each other and enjoying each other’s company.

As you get older, I guess every date becomes more significant. Each outing is like a test on whether this will be The One. Every word, every move and gesture is scrutinised and analysed. And of course, there’ll be the post mortem, which sometimes can be just as exhausting as the date itself. And for most parts, take much longer than the date itself. heh.

So inevitably, this puts a certain pressure on the date and that takes away some of the fun and spontaneity that I wanted. I guess it’s all self-inflicted. I really shouldn’t be thinking too much about the dates I go on, right? If I am so comfortable going out with my girl friends, then I should treat the guy like a friend too. I think that takes away the heat from myself too. Anyway, I work best under casual conditions :)

Of course, for me to treat the guy like a friend, I have to like him as one too and above all, be able to hold a decent conversation with him. Someone who clicks with me. Now that’s the tricky part, sifting through this (almost empty) basket of available men and trying to find one that matches your personality.

A friend forwarded me this website that may be able to make this sifting a bit easier, if you believe in this kinda thing anyway :) Click here.

Just for fun, I went to the love matches to check which animal would complement my Chinese sign. The descriptions are really funny. So even if you don’t believe in this, it’d be good for a laugh.

Anyway according to Ms White, my perfect date should be with Mr Ox, Snake or Pig. Cluck cluck :)

i want a guy who's rich and sane

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

Let’s face it, as young as you can be, you’ve been exposed to ideas of romanticism through books, tv and movies. Then of course you’d have to excuse the inborn trait of wishing for a prince charming to sweep you off your feet. But fairy tales rarely happen in real life. Books lie, so do movies. Well at least for us singles who are still searching for The One.

There is a certain level of superficiality in everyone. If I say looks do not matter…I’d be lying through and through. Coz it does matter…at least a teeny weenie bit. Of course with that said, looks can be discounted if overall package in terms of mannerism is good. Seriously, nothing beats meeting someone who looks so blah and then finding out their mannerism sux as well.

My criteria for a guy is simple really.

He has to be RICH and SANE. They mean...

R - is Responsible;
I - has Integrity;
C - has Common sense (or Care);
H - is Honest.

S - Sincere (sincerity is a must);
A - Accepting (have to accept me the way I am);
N - Noble (I don't ask for much, at least be sympathetic and is filial);
E - Exciting (humour is a plus point really)

Not too much to ask right? Not as if I asked for the perfect guy. LOL

When marriage is a mirage

Two almost-there marriage plans which left my heart plastered...

1st heartbreak
Young – naïve – meets handsome guy – handsome guy proposed “let’s get married” – friends, family intercept – asked me not to rush – heeded their advice – did some background checks – found out he’s not to be the one – broke it off – within a month

2nd heartbreak
Met through some online matrimonial site – 12,000km apart - hit it off very well – soon, promises were made – met each other in person after 13 months – stood by our promises to marry - returned to my country – 5 months later – things happened – a decision was to be made – we decided to go our separate ways – almost 4 months later – still thinking of him

If at first (or more times) you fall, dust yourself off and stand up again. And again. (And again)

Plastered heart is back and has switched on her search antenna again =)

what i want in the man of my life

b.h's latest entry certainly sparked many thoughts in my head. The fear of listing 'criteria' or dreams is something I can surely relate to. But considering the fact that even by not listing or saying them out all these years never made a difference anyway, I'm hereby kicking superstition in the face by revealing mine. So here goes...

When I was young I used to think that 24 was an ideal age to get hitched. Is it just me or do other girls agree that there's just something comforting about the even number… Twenty-four... An age old enough but not too old, youthful but not too young. Isn't it a cool age to get married, I thought.

But I knew it would remain a dream for as long as... well until I found 'the one'. So I drew up a mental checklist of the basic requirements for 'the one'. It started out as a guideline to help me 'recognise' him should I encounter such a guy.

Adolescent list (not in order of priority):
Someone…
Who is older
Who is humorous
Who is a good listener
Whom I can trust
Who loves me
Who drives me crazy (in a passionate and fun sort of way)
Who is honest

Sounds simple enough doesn't it? Pretty basic too, I thought. But truth of the matter is… the sad truth in fact, things never remain simple. Cos times change, needs change, people change and so did my list.

Adult list (latest):
Someone...
Who is mature in his thinking
Who can see the humour in life even when things are down
Who isn’t just a good listener to others but also listens to himself speak
Whom I can trust and he in turn, trusts me
Who doesn’t just love me but also himself, the world around him and God
Who is contagiously driven in his passion and pursuit for happiness
Who is as honest to me as he is to his feelings

So there you go. What was once bare and simple became complicated and impossible. And 'the one' became unrecognisable.

But lists are just lists.
And dreams remain dreams.

The reality is
I’m no longer 24.
I’m not married.
And I don’t feel loved.

So while my list has evolved, my life hasn’t.

i wish i may, i wish i might

they said the person you will end up with is usually the one you didn't want in the first place.

it's this liner that made me avoid listing my 'criteria' for a guy. i'd give vague answers when people ask, what do you look for in a man?

i fear, once i say it out, i would get the exact opposite. but i am only human. of course i have my preferences in guys.

and if the above line rings true, i'll end up with a younger, vertically-challenged, humourless, non-malay boy.

how? how??

speaking of vertically-challenged, not that i have anything against them. just that it's weird to be walking beside a guy who's a few cm shorter than you. it's worse for the man, i'm sure. i'm not that tall, but i tower above most of my gfs.

let's say i'm 1.68m, a guy who's 1.7m will still look short beside me. in flats. imagine if i'm in heels! he'd have to be at least 1.75m to not look like a midget beside me.

funny thing is, a lot of the guys i date happen to be shorter than me or fall below that magical, minimum height requirement. i know, i know... physical appearances aren't important. but hey, you can't deny that first impressions count. and i've always had a thing for guys who appear more 'big brotherly' to me. someone i can look up to. in some ways, that translated to looking for someone taller.

i think there's a dire lacking of tall, single guys here. what irks me more is when i see a tall guy holding hands with a short chick. wats up with that? can you petite ladies give your gangly men for people who need these guys more, like moi? Lol.

but maybe it's the men who have a thing for the cuter, smaller girls. less intimidating perhaps? they wanna appear stronger and wanna look like they can protect their pint-sized ladies perhaps?

ah well.

recently, i did go out with this guy who was just 2cm taller than me (yes, we asked each other's heights before meeting). was an impromptu dinner, and i was wearing heels. obviously, i looked very much taller than him la. i thought he'd be put off or wouldn't wanna go out again. but surprisingly, he did ask me out for coffee again. he seems like a nice guy, funny and quite chatty. we'll see how that goes.

i'll just have to wear ballet pumps when i meet him.

the one who wanted to have an affair

One day, just for fun, I displayed my actual photograph as my msn profile picture. It wasn’t my usual practice back then but I was happy with my new haircut… the only thing I was happy about in a bad week.

Suddenly, n.g. messaged me out of the blue. “Hmm… it’s been ages since we chatted,” I thought as I saw his nick flashing, indicating an unread message.

“Hey, you look so pretty,” he typed. I laughed it off. In my mind, he’s always been a joker. n.g. was a former client by the way, in my former company. He was the kaypoh sort who’d crack stupid jokes to people. He was witty too… in an R(A) sort of way.

Once, he disappeared from work for a couple of days and when he returned, told my ex-colleague that he attended a course. “What course?” she asked, genuinely curious. “Intercourse,” he quipped. So yea… you get the idea what sort of person he is…

Anyway, we just updated each other on what we were doing before he went on to confide in me how he’s always been interested in girls of other races. “Uhoh…” I didn’t think I’d like where the conversation was leading.

Ok, the conversation went something like this:

n.g: you want to go out on a date?
(I recalled how I had been invited to his wedding a year ago. Ok… I better clarify before this becomes an embarrassing misunderstanding)
me: huh? What do you mean?
n.g: i am serious wanna have affair with you la… date meaning...going out as bf and gf lor. but secretly la
(silence)
n.g: your jaw drop is it... hee
me: so this is what you’ve been doing behind your wife’s back is it?
n.g: no lah never do this kind of thing before...if you are ok with it...you are the first lor

What the hell? I felt so insulted. He still had the cheek to tell me I would be the first! I was so pissed, I ignored him and immediately complained to a couple of friends online. “Not all men are like that,” my male friend, a staunch Christian assured me when I roared and ranted about how men nowadays are unfaithful and simply cannot be trusted.

“He sounds like he's trying to be funny and thinking that its cute. He doesn’t even sound serious. Think you're taking it too seriously,” my female friend said.

Was I taking things too seriously? I don’t know. All I knew was that I’ve known him to be quite cheeky but harmless. And I HAD been having a bad week, maybe it got the better of me? Maybe I will see the humour in this once I cool down, I talked to myself.

Well eventually I chucked it in the dusty crevices of my brain and forgot all about it. Until…

I attended an ex-colleague’s wedding a year later. A few close former colleagues and clients were also invited. And guess who should waltze over to my table? n.g. approached another of my colleague to say hi. I didn’t think he realized I was there. When I turned around to face him, his eyes darted away.

Hmm… if what happened had been a joke, he could have at least looked me in the eye, right? But noo... we never made eye contact. Well, cos he avoided mine. I looked at him directly as he stood there, all tall, dark and… well… NOT handsome.

He came alone, I overheard him saying. And immediately I thought of his poor wife.

the one who was too intense

I got to know mr d from a friend. after meeting him twice, and a few online chats over msn, that was it.

I’m sure he’s a nice guy. but I get the feeling that he tried too hard maybe? to a point of being… to borrow Simon Cowell’s vocab… affected.

firstly, he talks funny.

like in a nigga-style kinda way.

“dude, howzit trippin’ ya’all” kinda way.

nu york rapper gangsta kinda way.

ok you get the picture.

secondly, he was too intense for me. cases in point:

intense moment no. 1

before we met for our first date, he was telling me how it’s been ages since he went out with a girl and that he had nothing to wear. i reassured him, saying he doesn’t need to dress up or anything. just t-shirt and jeans will do. i don’t really like guys who are too formally dressed anyway, so it’s fine.

when we met, he told me he needed to get new clothes and asked me to help him choose some nice stuff. shopping to make a guy look better? sounds like a swell idea to me :)

or so i thought…

first up was shoes, he was looking for nice boots. went inside this shop where a nice, chirpy uncle greeted us. the shoes that he wanted was there so he was trying them on. he didn’t know what shoe size he was so this nice uncle brought out that shoe-measuring thingimagic for him. this ah pek got down to his knees and helped mr d with that shoe instrument. of coz he had to right, he was just doing his job.

but mr d got visibly irritated, told the uncle that he could do it himself. uncle went “it’s ok, it’s ok, i help you…” mr d went tsk tsk at nice uncle, and his face turned black. i think he might even have cringed when the uncle helped him. i was thinking, what’s up with this guy?

in the end he didn’t even buy the shoes and just walked out. when we were out of the shop, he told me he didn’t like people touching his feet. or more like, “no one touches my feet.” he was so agitated and kept telling me how he hates it. all right, I don’t like strangers touching me too, but take a chill pill dude (another one of his favourite, VERY often used phrase btw).

next was shirts. went to a certain trendy fashion chain where he picked out some dress shirts. tried on a few, asked me which one i thought was nicer and he actually bought the one that i picked out for him. now, from that short 2-3 hours i spent with him that day, i can tell that he’s very prudent with his money and won’t splurge on things like clothes (which was why he hasn’t gone shopping for 10 years, hello).

but the day he went out with me, he bought these pricey shirts that i said were nice. and as he paid for the stuff, he said “I can wear this the next time we go out.”

eh? next time? all i could muster was a smile.

intense moment no. 2

once, on my msn, I put a line of this song as my display nick. I always do that for songs that get stuck in my head for the day.

so the liner of the day was – I can’t be your friend unless I pretend from the song Sewn, by The Feeling.

this mamat saw my nick, and somehow, thought that I directed it at him! Why you so terasa (feeling) ah? he was actually questioning if the nick was meant for him. what the heck? even if it WAS directed at someone, you think you’re the only one on my list is it? tsk tsk.

intense moment no. 3

after that date, we did maintain contact but didn’t get around to meeting up again. BUT the person who did get to meet him was my insurance agent. lol. ok when I signed up with this agent, she was asking me for a list of friends who I think could use her services. ie she’s asking for referrals la. so one of the names I put down was mr d.

most of my friends didn’t even bother to meet this agent but apparently, he did. the next time I met my agent, she was telling me she had an appointment with one of my friends, mr d.

I was curious to know what happened, so I asked, how was it? she took a while to answer me, like trying very hard to compose her answer. in the end, what she said was, “he was very… intense.”

at that, I just burst out laughing. I mean, this was a girl who didn’t even know the guy and she felt the same way about him just after one meeting! hey, at least he was consistent eh? :P

the story was, my agent was telling him how important it was to save and have a proper savings and investment plan for the future, you know, the usual insurance spiel. and she said mr d had VERY strong feelings against this idea and didn’t agree with what she said. instead of just saying no to the agent, which is what most people would do, I guess he turned it into a debate with the insurance agent. heh.

so yes, intense indeed.

but if you don’t believe in insurance, why bother to meet up at all right? hmmm…

the embarassed one

This happened way back in 2003. this guy worked at the same place I was formerly in, only in a different section. It all started when he suddenly dropped me an email through the work’s email system one day. He had also left me his handphone number. At the end of the day, i smsed him those cliché smses i.e. have a good weekend ahead and he went on to reply, informing me that he was going to JB with parents over the weekend…

and so it started. as we working at the same place, he would email me in the mornings saying that he left me some stuff in the pantry i.e. food. He  said  it  was  too risky if he was seen passing me stuff personally i.e. people would talk. I was ok with that. As days passed by, he started to ask me out during  weekends for lunch. Although he was very much older than me i.e. 9 years difference, we could get along rather well. I must say he was  fun  to  be  with as he was quite chatty. but one day, not too long after, I found out something about his character…

It  was  one  of  those  weekend  lunch outings and we were at a certain shopping mall. We were walking when suddenly….

  He: “Alamak!”
  Me: “Why?” *baffled*
  He: “Look, its “M”!! And she’s approaching us. How?”
  Me: “How, what??”

And “M” then approached us and salam-ed me and said ‘Hi’ to him. Fyi, we   were  all  working  in the same department. “M” chatted with us for less than a minute and then she left.

After "M" left, this guy looked so pale. I had asked him why?

  He:  Please,  if she asks tell her that there’s nothing going on between us.
  Me: Of course lah, we were just going out what…nothing going on anyway.
  He: Yes, please say so.
  Me: Hmm…why? Oh...you were going out with her, eh? (I teased)
  He: Errr…no lah. No…

And  from that incident, I started to distance myself from him. Actually I  felt  rather  pissed.  It’s  like...why must he react that way? My thoughts were, “Why? Is it an embarrassment to be seen with me? Hmmph!!” or, “maybe he is seeing other girls as well??”

It  was  really  helpful  that  by  the  end of 2003, he went to another  division  for  a transfer, so we didn’t see much of each other, save for during some of the department’s functions etc.

In  2005,  he  tried  to come back to my life, after we bumped into each other at a colleague’s wedding. He asked me out again, but I lied. Yes, I lied...and said that I was already seeing someone else.

My heart had since been plastered shut for him…

the strange one

it all began when a friend of mine asked me whether I would be interested to get to know her husband's still-a-bachelor good friend. She described to me his looks, his hobbies and also his love for travelling.

not bad, I thought...so I gave her the green light to pass him my number. and so we began sms-ing and yes, exchanging msn addresses. 

then one day, over sms, he asked me out. it was too soon, i thought, but being very curious i decided to say yes. the plan was to meet at a certain coffee joint somewhere near city hall....but alas, when he arrived there first he called me to say that the coffee joint was non-existent. 

and so we went to another place, also a coffee joint. he seemed to be a very shy guy, and there wasn't much that we could talk about. i was really hoping that after finishing our drinks, we would call it a day. but....he then suggested, "Let's go to the ACM (museum)."

actually i had been talking to him about this certain exhibition going on at the ACM during our chats on msn. i didn't expect that he would want to visit the museum since he had said that he was not into museums. 

and then it started...in the museum, we literally went our separate ways. It's like we were too engrossed in wanting to view what we wanted to view and gave ourselves such a big space to roam by ourselves in the museum...haha

it was soon almost evening, and suddenly he appeared and said he had to fetch a friend from the airport. we parted ways, after doing our evening prayers at a nearby masjid...

and since then we didn't contact each other...until a few weeks later, he suddenly gave me a missed call. I wasn't in singapore, but i called him back anyway. he answered strangely, "ehmmm...sorry i called you while you are overseas, it's ok i will call you back next time"...and he hung up.

but he never did...and i didn't as well. Then, not very long after I returned, he suddenly smsed me one day, "heyy...between green and blue, which do you think is a nicer colour?" I replied and at the same time, asked about how he was. But he never replied. And from there, he disappeared....*poooooof*

My friend who was the one who intro-ed me to him, was also baffled. She helped, by saying, "It's ok, he's too square for you I think and now i also know that he's weird."

just for the record, he's 4 years older than me and is of a different race. i think he must be searching for someone of his race.....

the one who taunted me

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.


I got to know “Z” through one of those networking site where you subscribe at a nominal price to contact others (anakmelayu.com). The site allows you to write what you’re looking for under your profile so my line was: Looking for the perfect man, but since there is no such thing as a perfect man, I’m just looking for my lost things lah…

So Z sent me an IM (in this case it’s called sticky notes) that said: I might not be the perfect man but I’d want to be your friend.

A browse through his profiles sent warning bells in my head. So “jiwang ah mamat ni” - he was so into Malay literature and looked like he breathed and lived in it. Nevertheless, I ignored the warning signals and even exchanged msn addresses. I thought it’s perfectly harmless to get to know a new person. So we chatted on msn for a bit.

Though I have a slim face, I’m not really one. But when he viewed my profile photo, Z kept saying that I was beautiful la...blah blah blah. Even to the point of quoting the song that was hot during that time, James Blunt’s “You’re so beautiful”. He kept asking me out but I always declined. I wasn’t playing hard to get but I’m seriously not the kind who meet guys randomly like that. However, I then discovered that my best friend’s colleague is actually Z’s sister (Z wasn’t aware of that). That and a push by my friend finally got me to agree to meet him.

Z picked me up in this small loud orange car that was screaming for attention. We hadn’t planned what to do that day. So in actual fact, if he was disappointed by what he saw… he could have cut the date short. But no… we went for coffee, dinner and then even watched a movie! All the time he was attentive, nice and we shared a good conversation. He did not display any signs of dread at all.

Anyway, after the meet up, (which Z initially termed a date) I sent him a polite sms to thank for the day out but there was no response.

2 days later on his profile, he posted a poem for “Si Dia” (That special one). I was like “HUH? Did I go out with someone’s guy?” So I messaged Z online through the site. Guess what? No response at all.

I was annoyed and needed closure, so I sent him an email. I knew exactly when he opened it but being the coward that he was, he never responded. So I thought that was it.

But 4 months later…I received a message from Z on msn. I had deleted his nick but had stupidly forgotten to block him. He sent a heart icon. “Strange,” I thought but since I was away from my computer at that time, I let it go.

The next time, I received another message from him - the heart wink. Curious, I sent him a msg. The following is an excerpt of what was exchanged:

Me: It’s weird that you keep on getting the wrong window.
Z: Yes, life is weird.
Me: Don’t get philosophical with me.
Z: You are still angry with me, you are entitled to.
Me: …
Z: can’t we restart?
Me: Restart what? (restart what? Nothing ever started in the first place.)
Z: Our Friendship
Me: Excuse me Mr Z, please define for me what it means by friendship, if it means keeping silent like that, that’s bull lah!
Z: I had my reasons then.
Me: care to tell me what is the reason?
Z: I felt something for you. You were decent, I was not so.
Me: that’s great, I’m decent and I got snubbed. Thanks a lot.

To cut things short, it was as though he was imploring me to forgive him, but of course who would be that stupid right? So when it was obvious that I would not back down, His parting line was: Stay sweet, diabetic and huge!

So much for him having feelings for me. Bluergh. I was so angry that I closed the window without remembering to block him.

The next thing I know, on another day, he sent me a message again on msn that went: Eh I think your car seat right, you have to make it bigger so can fit you.

It was too much right? In the first place, I could even fit into his freaking small car. But at least this time, I remembered to block him.

Totally annoyed, I went back to that site and sent him 2 sticky notes to give him a piece of my mind. It went something like this: I fat ke, I huge ke, what business is it of yours? For the record, I let God deal with people like you. Just want to say thank you because I finally am able to block you on msn.

And just so you know, the only reason I even agreed to go out with you was because I found out that your sister is my best friend’s colleague. Have a nice life. GOODBYE.

And you know what the best thing is? I have not even shared how this person looks like. If you guys have watched “Pendekar Bujang Lapok” before, I’m sure you are familiar with Ahmad Nisfu - The actor with the unforgettable nose… Well this fella can pass off as his grandson. Seriously.

I figured he must be a serial dater, going out with ladies must be his hobby and at the same time keeping his options open. Well guys like these can seriously go fly kite.