the one who made me run

This happened back when I was still studying. Yes, it’s an old story but my encounter with Mr big eyes left me haunted even till today. I was reminded of this when I recently spotted someone who looked like him.

I was making my way home from the bus interchange one day when I noticed in front of me, a tall guy whom I recognized as a senior in my school.

There was light drizzle but as my steps, at its usual speed were rather quick, I didn’t let the slight patter bother me. Pretty soon, I almost overtook the guy.

Suddenly, he stopped in his tracks in front of me. He held his hand out to feel the drops of rain on the skin of his palm and turned to me. “It’s raining,” he said.

I just nodded.

I continued walking. So did he, right next to me, matching my steps while trying to make conversation with me. I can’t remember the conversation that ensued but I’m sure it wasn’t much and that it was mainly a question and answer session with me trying to be polite.

By the time I had covered about two-thirds of my journey home, he was still walking next to me. He told me where he stayed (which was only a few blocks before mine!) and asked where I stayed. I lied and pointed to a block neighbouring mine. I just wasn’t comfortable in telling him where I stayed.

We parted ways when we reached near his block and I made my way home quickly, all the while making sure I wasn’t being followed.

He appeared again another day and walked next to me when I was walking home. I pretended to be cool when deep down I felt really uncomfortable.

Then suddenly the ordeal began. I never failed to catch him and his big eyes staring at me amongst any crowd in school. He was somehow always in sight at the canteen or corridor or quadrangle. You name it - somewhere, somehow and always. Even when I stayed beyond the normal school hours, he could be seen lurking around the school compound.

I was freaked out.

And I had every reason to.

Once, when I spotted him at one end of the canteen, my friend and I made our way to the back of the canteen and dashed to the other end of the canteen, unobstructed. When we reached the OTHER end, he was already there! It was insanely terrifying.

How on earth did he make his way across so fast through the crowded canteen, I don’t know. But I knew I was scared shitless.

Every day I was in fear of being followed.

One day, my friend and I boarded the bus and he was already seated there! After my friend alighted at her bus stop, I deliberated on what I should do.

To my relief, he stood up and alighted way before we reached the interchange. I thought to myself, perhaps I had been too paranoid. He wasn’t following me. Maybe it was mere coincidence all along.

Feeling a lot calmer, I made my way home the usual way. Well, actually, there was only ONE way I could walk home from the bus interchange.

To my horror, he appeared right beside me out of the blue! And I hadn’t even noticed where he came from!

My mind wondered how the hell he could have reached the same place at the same time when he alighted many stops earlier. It just didn’t make any sense!

He tried to make conversation again, but this time I just walked away. I crossed the road to the pavement on the opposite side. But I could still feel him observing me. From the corner of my eye I could see that he was matching his steps to mine.

I was terrified but I decided that I couldn’t possibly walk home. My block was situated at the end of the straight road. It wasn’t as though I could weave my way in and out of blocks of flats and try to lose him.

The quicker I walked, the faster my heart beat. It felt like it was expanding with every beat and was rising up to my throat to choke the life out of me.

Before I understood what I was doing, my legs lifted themselves and started to run. I ran like I had never run before, not towards home but as far as I could and away from that area.

And I stayed away for some time before I decided to make my way home again.


to be continued

the ones who played peekaboo

I’m reading the time traveller’s wife now. Such a lovely read, also coz im a sucker for good narratives. It’s a story of a man who time travels (duh!) and his wife who has to wait for him to come back whenever he disappears into the past/future. Time-tripping husband has no control over his disability/power and is unwillingly sucked into different time zones whenever he gets too emotional or sometimes, for no reason at all. His solidly-present spouse has the unenviable task of worrying for his safety til he returns coz time travel isn’t all that breezy (I wont disclose too much info, lest you call ‘Spoiler!’).

Anyway, reading this just reminded me of the time traveller-wannabes I’ve come across who also pop in and out mysteriously. I seem to know a number of this species of males who come and go as they please. For a week or two, they can be constantly smsing or calling me, asking me out. And suddenly, *poof*! Disappear for a few months, appear again out of the blue. Repeat cycle.

The one who was my best friend was the first of these males I encountered, back when we were friends. If there’s a hiatus from his daily calls, it could only mean one thing. He was attached. But his absence wasn’t too bad, he’d only be gone for at most a week or two (as long as his prev rships went. heh).

So from there, whenever the guys I know run AWOL on me, I’d just assume they got attached or are distracted with someone else. For some, I’d assume that they’re in some kinda accident or got into trouble and thrown into jail. Yeah I know, don’t you just love the optimism in me? :)

Recently, I had an experience with 2 different guys who said they wanted to meet me on a certain day (not on the same day of coz). The day came and no word, call or sms from them. Maybe something cropped up and they couldn’t make it or even sms to tell me... so I didn’t call them to bug. Weeks pass and still no word. Ok, I can take a hint. Above scenarios run through my mind and I forget about it.

But lo and behold, some moons later, these 2 guys make their re-appearing act. Just a nonchalant sms or MSN, “I’m back. Wanna meet?” or “So long never hear from you. How are you?”, like nothing happened.

Hmmmmm. Maybe I was overreacting? Maybe I misunderstood them and they DIDN’T say they want to meet?

I dunno. I stopped wondering long before they came back. Let’s see how long they can stay in my presence before they disappear again.

conversations with myself

I'm really bad at saying no.

When I really wanna turn someone down, or when asked to do something I don't like, that simple two-letter word isn't that simple to say out at all. It takes a lot of beating around the bush, going round and round, before I can get my message across... most times, I fail and end up saying yes instead. So I gave up trying to say no and just silently protest.

Recently, I did say it.

NO, I can't do this.

NO, I really tried.

NO, I think this is a bad idea.

What do you know, even when it does come out of my mouth, it doesn't work.

NO, this isn't acceptable.

NO, YOU have to try harder.

NO, I won't take no for an answer.

What am I to do? I begin to second guess myself. Maybe saying 'no' is a bad idea. Besides, all they have is my interest at heart. Maybe, I should push myself to say yes instead. If everyone thinks it's such a good idea, it has to be.

YES, I can do it.

YES, I will try again.

YES, even though my heart says no.

The heart could be wrong. Based on past experience, it hasn't been that reliable and is prone to make overly emotional decisions, with pretty dire consequences. Maybe this time, I shouldn't listen to it too much. Anyway, apart from saying no, it really hasn't said much. Maybe it's just gotten into a bad habit to saying 'no'. It's time to train it to say yes now.

Not all decisions can be made based on what your heart says.

Say, when you're setting up a company and looking for a suitable business partner. What do you look for? You don't just go for someone whose face you like, who gives you a good 'vibe' and who says nice things to you right? Who knows, that glib talker might be out to swindle you. This partner-to-be has to have a stable background, good financial history, no criminal records, etc... someone you can depend on. From there, it's easier to establish a partnership that will last. Yes, that makes perfect sense.

All that has to be done now, is to hope and pray that this stubborn barren heart learns to open up again and finally say yes.

barren

this time, i'm really living up to my name.

my head is devoid of any ideas/inspirations/thoughts for this blog. and i *think* i've documented all my dating chronicles. or those worth mentioning, anyway. sorry, my fellow hearties!

i do have some stuff in my head. but it's a bit too emotional to blog about at the moment.

in due time (and soon, i hope!).

same guy, same agenda

Was checking my mail and was about to delete what I thought was typical spam when I realised I knew the name of the 'sender'.

Apparently I've been added as a friend on "SpeedDate.com" by the guy whom I thought is married. Sigh.

Previous readers may remember him from my previous entry (click here to read).

URGH!

the one whom I slept with

I don't believe I have ever confided this secret in anyone. But I figured since I'm protected by anonymity...

Though it happened years ago, I still remember the scene...

My eyes lifted slowly...
a distinct humming sound in the background...
my body lurched forward slightly in gentle inertia.

I tilted my head slightly to my right.

There he was sleeping next to me. Our heads against each other with mine resting on his shoulders.

Then stealthily and gradually, I inched my head away from him, secretly hoping I wouldn't wake him up cos I wouldn't know what to say. When we were finally apart, I sat upright and straightened my back, trying to look as nonchalant as best I could.

I remember darting my eyes around the environment I was in.

I remember sighing in relief and thinking, "Thank god I didn't miss my bus stop".

gabe bondoc

Fell in love the moment I heard him. Especially love the lyrics of his original songs.

Here's the oh-so-adorable singer songwriter with the first song I heard, "Dorm Room"




"Dictionary" makes me smile... cool concept :)




And "Temporary" almost made me tear

doormat. definitely.

why do men love bitches?

apparently, i'm not the only asking coz there's a book with that title. which i'm reading now.

before i go on, let me give you the definition of a bitch in this book. (please retract your claws now, all you real biatches reading this. thankyou.)

here, bitch doesn't mean 1) a female dog or female species of any canine or 2) a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, esp. a woman.

it just refers to a woman who stands her ground in a relationship, someone not afraid to voice her opinions when the situation calls for it and one who wont compromise the most important thing, her dignity and self-respect, for any man.

this lady has that je ne sais quoi, translating to 'i don't know what.' basically it's that something special that men cant seem to put their finger on, but are drawn to nonetheless.

it's not about looks; gorgeous women get dumped and end up with jerks too.
it's not about intelligence; even the not-so-smarts are known to possess this quality.

so what is this attribute? it is a woman that's comfortable in her own skin.

the opposite of the bitch is... the 'nice girl', or a less pleasant term used in the book, a doormat.

she's described as one who gives everything blindly to a man (even when they just get into a rship), because she wants so much for her actions to be reciprocated. she's the one who goes along with what she thinks her man will like or want because she wants to keep him at all cost.

to further explain the difference between the two, here are some case scenarios:

#1 He calls you and expects you to be at home
the nice girl will let the guy know she's leaving, where she'll be and wat time she'll be back
the bitch lets him think about where she is now and then. no 'reporting strength' here :P

#2 He says he'll call at ard a certain time. the call is 4 hours late
the nice girl yells at him and says she's worried, "you should have called!!"
the bitch isnt so easily upset, so she's harder to read. even if he does call, she may not even pick up the phone

#3 He seems withdrawn, pensive, nt particularly talkative
the nice girl continually pesters him and asks, "what are you thinking about?" she's worried he's pulling away from her.
the bitch is in her own thoughts, she doesn't panic, which makes him come her way.

#4 He is late for a date and keeps her waiting
the nice girl waits, calls him incessantly and tells him that he should 'value her more'
the bitch waits for half an hour, then make other plans

going back to the main question here, why are men so attracted to bitches? the difference here isn't so much about how you treat the guy. it's how you treat yourself. we may think that by giving a man extra tender, loving care, he will stay by your side. but mostly, that's not always enough. for most men, it'll make them run away even, especially if you give too much in the beginning.

let's face it. men love the thrill of the chase. if someone comes across as too 'easy' for them, they lose interest quickly. but when he sees you as a mental challenge, his interest is piqued and he'll try harder to get you. even after he gets the girl, he'll treasure her more. after all, he did have to put up a fight to get to where he is. imagine a child who's given a shiny new toy for christmas as opposed to one he bought himself after saving up for months. which do you think he'd treasure more? :)

in case you're wondering which one you are, they even had an "are you too nice" quiz. a test in which i failed miserably. lol! i shan't pose the questions here, you go read it yourself if you're interested :P

but here are 10 characteristics of the bitch mentioned in the book, where you may ascertain for yourself whether you are one or the other :)

1. she maintains her independence - she earns her keeps, not depending on her man or with her hand out to anyone.

2. she doesnt pursue him - the moon, the sun and the stars don't revolve ard him. she doesn't chase or keep tabs on him, he is NOT the centre of the world.

3. she is mysterious - this isn't about being dishonest. she doesnt lie but she doesnt reveal everything and wont put her cards on the table too soon. familiarity breeds contempt and predictability breeds boredom.

4. she leaves him wanting - she doesnt see him every night or leave him long messages. shes not always available to him, which leaves him to long for her.

5. she doesnt let him see her sweat - she avoids communication when upset. she clears her head first, making sure shes rational and speaks in a "bottom line" way.

6. she remains in control of her time - she takes it slow, especially when he wants to hurry. all in her time, preventing him from controlling her.

7. she maintains a sense of humour - this lets him now shes detached. but she doesnt treat disrespect as a laughing matter.

8. she places a high value on herself - she appreciates a compliment. she doesnt ask what his ex looked like or compare herself to other women.

9. she is passionate about something other than him - when he feels that he's not the "be all and end all" of her existence, it makes her more desirable. and staying busy ensures she isnt resentful when he's unavailable.

10. she treats her body like a finely tuned machine - she maintains her appearance and health. a person's self-respect is reflected on how she maintains her image. if he tells her he doesnt like red lipstick, she wears it anyway, coz it makes her feel good.

bitch or doormat, i think the above is pretty solid advice for any woman to take, whether she is single or attached; seeking for love or not.