out

Plastered heart's out of sight...
Barren heart's out of town...
The only thing I'm out of is the office.

I've been on m.c. And boy do I want the stupid virus out of my system...
I'm feeling blue, restless, emotional and just bored out of my mind.

Flu + PMS sure is a potent mix.

And why can't guys have sore balls every month?

no miracle cure

Which girl doesn't dream of the perfect wedding? The perfect dress. The perfect ring. The perfect man.

Sometimes the idea of a wedding is so enticing that we lose focus. All we want is the perfect wedding, when really, shouldn't we work towards the perfect marriage instead?

Before you plan your wedding, shouldn't you make sure you're with the right person first? What happened to making sure he's The One? And shouldn't we ask ourselves if we are mentally ready to take the next step? It's a marriage, not playing house with your boyfriend. Are we so wedding-oriented that we would just grab the guy next to us and make him sign on the dotted line with us?

No, this isn't about me again. I'm just perplexed by what I observed so far. I know people who'd do whatever it takes just to get married, to the point of deluding themselves.

Example: Couple A have been together for 5 years. As with most couples, they bicker, they have problems. But since they've come this far, they're not seeing anyone else or meeting anyone new and the whole world knows them as “Couple A”, they take the next step. Get married. It seems like the natural progression huh? But the truth is, there are still many kinks to iron out, many issues remain unresolved. There are things they hate about each other, but deep inside, they tell themselves, “It'll get better once we're married.”

Will it?

After that, the madness of planning the wedding starts. This process can be arduous and straining to the relationship (or so I've been told) and couples have been known to break up and call off the wedding in the planning stage. I'd say good for them. Better than after you say your vows right?

For those who do get through the wedding, they'll face the next challenge ahead: the rest of their lives together. The first few months of honeymoon period will be bliss for sure, when you are settling into life as one. After the perfect wedding, this is what you've always been waiting for. Coming home to your loved one, cooking for your husband, basking in your new found status as “husband and wife”.

And when you think all is well, something happens. You realise, the guy you married is still the same as before. With the same quirks and flaws that seem to be exponentially blown up now that you're living under the same roof.

Nothing really has changed. Reality bites. And marriage is no miracle cure.

Some people fight to work things out, which is admirable and well, isn't that what marriage is all about? Other aren't so lucky. The cracks that appeared during their courtship had escalated to a gaping hole between them; one that's beyond repair, impossible to ignore and now you KNOW won't just “get better.” These are the ones who end up in divorce a couple of years after tying the knot.

Sad isn't it? All that trouble, money spent on the grand wedding, only to come to naught.

I, for one, have been dreaming of that white wedding for the longest time. But I hope, if my time does come, that I don't lose sight of it all and will try my best to plan my marriage instead of just my wedding.

L-O-V-E

When love is involved, which should you follow, your mind or your heart? Which one should rule? Or should it be synergised? Why is love also known as “matters of the heart”? Why is it that when love is involved, the mind becomes blinded? I think love is just unexplainable. Maybe this is why the very same love that could make you very happy could also make you miserable. I’m not just talking about feelings of love for another person, but it could also perhaps love of other things i.e. maybe bags etc but then that should be in a shopaholic themed blog. Just a random thought of mine...

nothing compares

A friend asked me the other day, “How can I compete with my boyfriend’s exes?”
I really would’ve replied, “Do you really have to because, they wouldn’t have ended up being exes now, would they?”

But I didn’t cos I suppose it’s a valid question. Her new beau had quite a few partners before. And it’s natural to want to know how we measure up in the eyes of someone who’s been dating a lot or has been in multiple relationships. I mean it would really suck to believe all this while that you’re good at something or bringing something positive to the relationship only to learn that his ex was way better than you at it. What better way to feel confident, huh?

I don’t remember how I answered her. But I remember this – once I asked a friend how many girlfriends he had. His answer… “It doesn’t matter because only one girl mattered.”

Oh, I wonder if that girl knew she had such a strong hold on him still... Which leads me to the question – what makes us drawn to a particular person?

There’s no definite answer of course, everyone is different in personality and character and definitely has different tastes. But seriously, have you ever wondered - of all the persons you’ve ever had a crush on, or dated or loved, who mattered to you most? Why?

Why is that one person so special to you…

That you would kick yourself for all the things you did or did not do…

That you wished you didn't let go...

That you can never ever forget…

That you never found anyone else who came close...

I gave it some thought and decided that if that same friend asked me the same question again (which is highly probable, as she has a habit of repeating herself), I would tell her (or anyone who wondered the same thing as she did) this:

It’s human nature to compare. But instead of comparing yourself to someone’s exes, try measuring yourself up against him/her. Think of all the wonderful things he/she has done/ given to you; can you honestly say that you’d have brought equal, if not more positivity into his/her life?

How would YOU fare against him/her?

Cos really, I think that’s the only comparison that ever matters.


With that, let me leave you with this lovely song:

the one about the crush (part iii)

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

M and I exchanged numbers in one of our chats. But we never progressed to chatting on the phone. If I remember correctly, he called once on the pretext that his University mate was looking for a tutor for the cousin or something and he had passed on his phone to his friend and I had passed my phone to my friend. Very silly right? LOL

We only SMSed Hari Raya and birthday wishes.

When M entered University, he was so preoccupied with his new routine that I rarely saw him on msn. Our usual chats died down and the only thing that kept our virtual friendship going were occasional emails. Each time I decided that it’s time to forget M, he’d pop back into my life.

Meanwhile, I was an avid blogger on Multiply and each time I blogged about something, he’d receive a copy of my entry. The beauty of Multiply allowed me to know who read my entry and when. But of course the person had to choose to open the email in the first place.

I realized then, that he’d pass on boring titles like "My day at work" and go for titles like "My Date with..." So I couldn’t help but adopt attention-grabbing titles. He was the first to read my entry grousing about my granny (the title had sounded like I was chiding a love interest).

Through that avenue, he managed to find out my birthday. He was 4 days too late but sent an SMS anyway:

M: Happy belated birthday! How, lots of presents? For me I never get any in fact have to give presents on my birthday.

I was pleasantly surprised to get that SMS, quite unexpected because our contact with each other had been sporadic lately.

Anyway being cheeky, I sent a reply:

Me: That’s all? No presents?

He: Yes, there is… A little prayer that you’ll be happy always, dunia & akhirat. (english: in this lifetime and afterlife)

Awwww! Do you guys get how I feel? These are exactly the kind of things that makes me fall deeper and deeper!

By this time, he had completed his degree and was scheduled to train in another country for 2 years.

At that time, he was already drawing his paycheck from his job training. Funnily he liked to withdraw his money at the ATM near my block even though there is one in the one of that central place near his block. And how did I know that? Because I get weird SMSes from him like: Eh still so early how come your kitchen light is on? Langsir dapur lawa sey. (english: Nice kitchen curtains)

How did he know which unit I lived in? I suspected that he had probably had checked it out when he was serving NS at the NPC right about the same time I shifted house. Yea, this naïve girl had disclosed her name then.

Anyway, after he landed a high flying job, our contacts had been very minimal. I no longer have his number after he had gone off to another country to do his training. MSN was our only mode of communication.

It dwindled from occasional chats to just a few liners.

And even when he returned back to Singapore, it seemed that his status on MSN is always OUT FOR LUNCH. Cannot be always out for lunch right?

And after reading Mr Greg Behrendt’s “He’s just not into you” self-help book… Well that’s probably what it was all about - He just wasn’t that into me.

Because let’s face it, he had every chance of asking me out if he wanted to. He can’t be that thick not to know that I have crush on him - after all he’s very intelligent.

So there I had my closure. It had always been a one-sided thing. I had a humongous crush on him but that’s about it.

Up till now I still have not deleted him from my contacts. It’s just a constant reminder of my memories with my dear VERY VIRTUAL friend/crush.

Well nevertheless I hope he is happy always and of course having memories like this is part of the growing up process.



And that my dear hearties, is my story.

I didn’t promise a happy ending now did I?

the one about the crush (part ii)

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

(Actually I forgot to mention, M was able to pinpoint who I was from his patrol rounds was because it was not very common for someone in my area to go to the JC that I was schooling in. It is also mainly due to distance.)

M wasn’t exactly the pin-up guy that I’d drool over but certainly was pleasant looking. Being a ChiLay (mixed ah tu, of course not Chili and Olay LOL), he’s fair skinned. I’m partial to guys who are fair-skinned. But looks wasn't exactly the issue here.

(In response to wondering heart’s comment earlier about him sounding like a sincere guy as he still talked to me after knowing how I looked like… well that’s what attracted me in the first place. I had developed such a huge crush on him without realising.)

We continued chatting because looks wasn’t an issue for me and it seemed, not for him too. But hey, I might have weights issue but I’m gorgeous, lol! He is an interesting character – witty and funny. He was also religious and would advise me when I was whining sometimes. He even offered to lend me a “buku persiapan Umrah” (book on the preparations for Umrah) when he found out that I would be going for my Umrah trip (stupidly I had declined because firstly, I was stupid and secondly, because I had my own guidebook).

Anyway, in my own way, I tested to see if he’d agree to teach my brother tuition for Math. He was a Science student and judging from his Alma Mater, his Math must have been excellent. Apparently, he was in two minds about it… I even told my mom about this friend of mine when my mom was looking for a tutor for my brother. He didn’t take up the offer, though.

But one day, a fire broke out at the flat behind mine… and guess who was on duty that day? M was there in full view, cordoning the area off! He was facing my kitchen so I even called my mom to look. LOL!

So when we were having our normal chat on ICQ…
M: Were you at home last Thursday?
Me: I was out for registering myself at the school.
M: Can’t be out the whole day right?
Me: Oooh…no…in fact I managed to catch the drama unfolding behind my block. There was a fire. Policemen were activated. So many police cars, so many policemen! Some policemen were talking to reporter…and one particular one was cordoning off an area!
M: !!!

I realized then, that M was a shy guy. In fact a senior whom he was acquainted with, whom I sometimes chatted with, also said he was so. Anyway since my mommy knows what he looks like, she saw him when she was buying breakfast one day.

She told me and I asked him… “eh you went that someplace someplace to buy breakfast eh?”
M: Eh how come you never come over and say hi?
Me: I wasn’t even there lorr. I was in Botanical Garden on a field trip. (This is of course the truth)
M: Then how did you know?
Me: My mom saw you.
M: What? Oh no cover blown!
Me: Cover blown over so long already.
M: !!!

In fact, it was always my mom who saw him. And for a few times too! It was like Chinese movie “Turn Left, Turn Right”. There was two occasions that this was so:

1st occasion:
I was supposed to wait for my mom and my sis at an LRT stop. I had alighted at another stop (near his place) and when I called my mom to confirm the meeting point, I walked over to the correct stop. When my mom appeared, she told me: Eh we saw your ‘friend’, he was on the same train as us.

Imagine, if I had stayed at that stop, I might have probably met him there and then!


2nd occasion:
My family had planned a 2nd Umrah trip in 2005. Due to my insistence, because of work-related reasons, the dates were changed from the 2nd of June to a week later. And because of that… I had missed on being on the SAME flight and SAME hotel with M who was doing his Umrah then too. How much coincidence can it get? I got rather embarrassed about this but there and then I had prayed to God to give me a sign. If he was not the one for me, please let me forget about him and have him far away from my mind.

But guess what, just minutes before I was about to leave Mecca, I received an SMS: “Where are you?”

No prizes for guessing who sent it.


To be continued…

the one who was my best friend (part deux)

mr a was my first love. The best part about being with your best friend was that communication was always open and I could always count on him to be honest. But with the good, came the bad.

Since we started out as friends, we knew each other inside out. Unfortunately, that turned out to be a double-edged sword. Coz that meant you knew his flaws as well. So much so that you’d assume a lot… and that created a lot of problems. Same with being too honest. While it’s healthy to some point, sometimes the brutal truth can hurt.

He spoilt me silly initially, maybe coz it was my first relationship. But soon after, I began to take him for granted and more problems arose. I won’t go into the gory details of our relationship, but it ended with him falling for one of his colleagues.

It was messy; it was dramatic when I found out. But looking back, I cant blame him for everything. Ok, the cheating was his fault but he wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t take him for granted in the first place. I was a very difficult gf when we came into the 4th year of the relationship. After the anger has subsided, the dust has settled and you reflect on what went wrong, I came to realise that it took both hands for the break-up to happen. And in all fairness to him, he was a good boyfriend (except towards the last couple of months). I'm not sticking up for him but hey, it's a matter of fact. My family loved him, I got along fine with his parents... there were really no major obstacles to the relationship...

I know a lot of my friends still refer to him as the jerk who dumped me but even so, he’s still one of the best friends I ever had. Even after such a bad ending to us, I can still hang out with him and talk to him as a friend, coz that was what we started out as.

Most people are perplexed that I can be so nice to him after what happened but a friend is a friend.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t nice to him at all right after the break. It WAS a very bad ending. But to let go of all that we had before… it just doesn’t make sense. I think we stuck to what we agreed to years ago, that no argument was big enough to end our friendship, not even a break-up. What did end it all was his marriage last year. It was only then we stopped contacting each other.

That chapter is all over and done with now, but I can safely say that I have no regrets even if it didn’t end with a happily ever after. I had good times with mr a, and like some of you said, I do feel lucky to have experienced a love like that at least once in my lifetime.

the end :)

the one about the crush

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

Now how do I start?

Let’s just say I was a net addict right from the start… after all towards the new millennium (at that time), Internet was the rage. Even with dial-up internet connection back then, it was really very addictive. I got withdrawal symptoms just by not using the net for a day. That was how bad it was.

mIRC was really the rage then. A/S/L was at the tip of my fingertips. It was fun… to able to hide behind anonymity, talking to many different people… sharing views… getting to know people.

Anyway, what started was… I was with my aunt who wanted to know what IRC was all about. So she sat beside me while I went through the motion. I told her that when a particular nick was highlighted, it meant someone wanted to talk to me. What I didn’t know was, on that same lazy afternoon, I would get to know someone whom I would eventually develop a huge crush on.

Anyway, he (M) seemed to be an uninteresting person at first. But as we chatted more and more, I got more and more interested. Finally, before we ended our chat, we exchanged emails.

What I had uncovered based on that chat was that he was undergoing NS police at that time, was from a different JC but that we basically lived in the same precinct.

I was 17 at that time, naïve, thinking that I could hide behind this anonymous mask that I’ve projected in this virtual world. Of course, despite my naivety, I still had some common sense to not give my full name and number. (but anyway, where got luxury like now - I got my first hdp when I was 20? LOL)

First on IRC, then on ICQ (the consistent eh oh sounds of yesteryears)… I really can’t remember how we switched to ICQ - probably the email bit… but we chatted quite frequently…. I had so much fun talking to him. We’d spent hours online - More so on weekends where I could stay up till 2a.m. sometimes.

So you see throughout my senior year in JC, where I should have paid more attention in my studies, I’ve spent my time on the internet - internet junkie mah… most of the time talking to this policeman conscript (lol).

Turning point came one day... a few months after my A’s. I was waiting for my results then. Bumming around at home, giving tuition to cousins - my father didn’t let me find a job while waiting for results so I had to abide Daddy’s word. Anyway, I was chatting as per normal with M when the conversation went something like this:

M: So you don’t go out?
Me: I don’t like to go out. (I should have kicked myself here LOL)
M: Why you don’t like to go out?

Readers…I was really in a crazy mood so I went:

Me: Coz people stare…

(Let me explain… to be honest, I was not confident of myself so I always criticized myself. I’m my worst critic… and I had issues with my weights… in essence that staring part was basically my feeling unsure about myself)

M: Why do people stare? Is it because you are plump, with short curly hair and fair?

I almost fell off my seat! IT WAS SPOT ON… but how the hell did he know?
Flustered…I answered back.

Me: Hey are you stalking me?
M: I just happened to patrol in your area and saw this JC girl wearing the JC uniform.

I asked for his photo but he refused to share it with me.

After that chat, the next day I realized something…

Then was in Apr, so it had been 6 freaking months since I donned that uniform. I got really freaked out I tell you… but that still did not deter me from talking to him. I tried many sorts of ways… finally he relented and sent me his photo.



To be continued…

ps: Ok I've decided to send u the first installment of my story. Will continue after Barren Heart finishes hers. LOL.

the one who was my best friend

2009 marks 10 years of my friendship with mr a. It all started a decade ago, from just one chat on mirc (yes, if you recall, it was all the rage then). Normally, I don’t give out my number to chatters on IRC. But as we chatted, I found that he’s actually a friend of my poly mate. Somewhat comforted by this close degree of separation, we exchanged numbers.

On our first phone call, I remembered being wary of him and was acting rather cool. But even so, there was hardly any awkward moment coz he was easy-going and eloquent, always with something to say but without sounding pompous. He had a way of drawing people out from their shells and soon enough, I warmed up to him. From one call, it progressed to daily calls, sometimes a few times a day. Each call would last at least 1 hour, sometimes 2. Our record was an ear-burning 4 hour marathon. Funnily, in those hours, we never felt tired and it never ceased to amaze even ourselves what we talked about. It was really about everything and nothing… complaining about our siblings, telling each other how our days went, his never-ending girl problems, NS woes and even toilet habits!

Soon it was almost impossible to go a day without talking to each other. Whenever I had a bad day or saw something on TV that made me laugh, he would be the person I’d think of to share it with. He turned to me when he had a crush on someone or broke up with a girl or when his bike broke down in the middle of the road. In short, we told each other everything.

The weirdest part was, we reached that point in our friendship 2 years after that first chat but we had never seen each other. Not one meeting. Yeap, he was my invisible best friend. My confidante without a face. He was practically a stranger and yet, I never felt so at ease with anyone else. On my part, perhaps it was BECAUSE we had not met each other, that’s why I opened up the way I did.

As friends, we loved each other. A friendship not based on looks, money, status or material things but from sharing of experiences and inner most secrets.

All throughout this phase, we only fought once. I can’t remember what it was about but it resulted in us staying on the line for 15 minutes without saying a word, both fuming but refusing to hang up first. 1 week of not talking to each other. But he called me eventually, saying that it’s too weird not talking to me for so long. I admitted that I missed our conversations too and we decided then that no argument will be too big to end our friendship.

We did meet up eventually of course, after almost 3 years of being friends. It wasn’t even a date, we just met up to study together near my place. Even though I was looking pretty hideous with my unruly hair and thick specs, and him with his bloody blue-tinted glasses, how we looked did nothing to diminish what we had, which really was something :)

The turning point of our friendship was when he entered into university. With new friends and a busier social life, he became more preoccupied. Each call would always be about his new found friends, and how he was having so much fun. From there, I felt different. I didn’t know what it was then coz the emotion was something I never felt before, but I was jealous. I felt like he was starting over a new life but without me in it and I felt crappy about it.

Now, I never had any kind of close friendship with a boy at that time. He was my first close guy friend. And I’ve always prided myself as someone who was independent, I was perfectly happy being single and I didn’t feel any need to get attached. So at that time, I surprised myself by being so affected by all these changes happening to him. It dawned on me that maybe he doesn’t need me after all. And another thought came crashing after that. The reason I was jealous was because I was dependent on him.

It was more than I could take. I did NOT want to depend on someone else to feel happy. I was happy on my own. All these years, without me realising, I had opened up myself too much and now I was in trouble. I decided then that I had to ‘break up’ my friendship with him to stop myself from getting any deeper.

When I dropped the bomb on him, he was stunned. In all fairness, things were going great and I never mentioned my insecurities to him. I told him my reasons for doing this. Even though we’re close and we care deeply for each other, he was after all just a friend. Not my boyfriend. I can’t possibly rely on him all my life coz eventually we’re going to hook up with other people.

He panicked and didn’t understand why I needed to leave him. He then began his big speech… on how the chemistry between us was so amazing, how we clicked so well, and how we always ‘get’ each other, and that it’s weird to be with someone else. He asked me, what if we got married to other people? Wouldn’t it be wrong knowing that the only person we can confide in wasn’t our partners, but in each other?

It was then, we both realised, that we can’t just be friends. After 3 years of friendship, we had come to love each other so much that it seemed silly to not take the next step. And the only natural step to take was forward… into a relationship together.

Thus began, my relationship with my best friend.

tbc...

thin lines

There is always a thin line that divides our emotions, our actions and intent. Most things aren't as clear cut as you'd like them to be. More often than not, we're in this limbo called the grey area.

Between friendship and love. Love and hate. Right and wrong.

I'm loving this series by Susan Anderson.









More here.