contributed by one of our readers, amorphous heart.
Kinda sorta started hanging out with my ex- again. A repeat, a pattern of seeing each other again once every 2 years when he is back in the area. We broke up 4 years ago, both leaving each other broken and hurt and changed.
I saw him 2 weeks ago. He hadn't called or emailed since I kissed his sweet lips. So I was depressed the entire past week and cried three times. Any sappy song on the radio or I heard during gym class got me teary.
I won't say that it's complicated - it's just very tangled up. We both know we are not getting back together. I take it that him not contacting me is a clean break... to think he did it because he loves me is comforting, to think he did it for himself is not so.
And then this evening just 5 hours earlier, I heard my cell ring and saw his name on my phone. I was elated… talked nervously and stammered and stuttered. I got him to laugh a few times. Guess my humor is still alive and kicking even when I am nervous talking to a guy I loved over and over.
When I found out that he spent his last weekend driving 45 minutes to a co-worker's for dinner, doing laundry and walking around the city, I was furious and hurt that he didn't have 5 mins to call me 7 days earlier. He didn't even have the courtesy to call to say he accepted his job offer last Friday! I didn't want to talk to him anymore. My stomach almost turned over inside out. He mentioned that he would be away for the next few 2 weekends for bachelor's parties. Which, to my internal calculations, means that we won't see each other till the June 20 weekend. I was mad at his indifference at my tears, my missing him, my hoping to see him too soon - even though I have no right to when I didn't tell him about all that. And I couldn't tell him all that because, in spite of my knee-jerk anger, I know I have no right to. Plus any other rights revoked since we are no longer together.
My good friend said I should be happy that he at least called to share a part of his life with me. I said I am only half happy. She said I am not longer his priority, his 1st person on speed dial, to break news to. I couldn't face the reality, his reality with my current expectations.
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dear amorphous heart, it must be torturous for you to wait by his call and jump at every news of him. It seemed like you have not gotten over him at all. Maybe instead bearing all these pent-up feelings by yourself, perhaps you can drop hints to him if you really want to be with him. Otherwise it's better off occupying yourself with new dates perhaps?
ReplyDeleteyeap, i think it's tough to be in the place you are now. neither here nor there... you're seeing him, but not exactly together and with no 'rights' as a gf. and it's really shitty when a guy can go for days w/o a call or even an sms, while we're on the other end wondering if he got killed in a nasty car accident. tsk tsk.
ReplyDeleteanyway, if you think his priority is not you, maybe you should do the same to him. like tickling said, go out with other guys. treat this encounter with him as casually as he is treating you. i noe it sounds a bit harsh, but it's a way of dealing with it.
good luck!
you love it when he calls but you hate the fact that he doesn't seem to share the same feelings for you.
ReplyDeleteyou love that he's still in your life but you hate that you don't seem to be able to control your feelings of love towards him.
it's never easy with matters of the heart. but it's sometimes clearer for the people outside of your situation.
you said "We both know we are not getting back together." but immediately after, you said "I take it that him not contacting me is a clean break".
so which is true? do you know based on a concluded discussion or an assumption? if it's the former, then it's best that you move on, as difficult as it may be. if it's the latter, i'd advise that you get your feelings off your chest once and for all.
tell him your feelings honestly. remember that he can't read your mind.
then from his reply, you can truly conclude what your next step is.
thanks for sharing amorphous heart... i wish you all the best :)