the one who visited my house

the one who had little to say was introduced by a close family friend; he's actually the younger brother of this lady who's very close to my mom.

given the close ties my parents have with their family, it's a sticky situation and both families have been pushing very hard for this to go through. that means i cant just turn down or cease contact with him even though theres no chemistry betw us and i dun see myself going further in this.

it's been over a year since we were introduced, with about 4 dates under our belt, once-in-a-blue-moon smses and still, zero phonecalls. the one similarity i see with him is that we're both shy with people we're not comfortable with and we take a very long time to warm up to people. usually similarities are a good thing isnt it? but in this situation, it's kinda detrimental and makes it quite impossible for us to take this further.

i voiced out my concerns to my parents; but they still insist that i should maintain that minimum contact we have and try to keep this going. nevertheless, sensing that this really isnt going anywhere, my mom half-jokingly told that family friend that if nothing happens by this hari raya, it's a no-go.

obviously, i have been secretly wishing that NOTHING happens but, whaddya noe, just this afternoon, my mom told me that his family will be coming round our place for visiting..... *dread*

so how was it? awkwardness to the max la!

i'm not the super friendly type, nor am i the chatty hostess who can make small talk with guests who come to my house. usually, tat's my parent's job and i'll be helping out in the kitchen. even with my close relatives, i do the same.

but suddenly, today, i was expected to sit beside this guy and make small talk in front of his family (which btw, comprised of his mom, elder brother, his wife and 3 kids, his sister and her husband).

how am i supposed to talk to him in front of our families when we hardly talk when we were alone? the seat beside him at the dining table was always somehow empty, and his sister and my mom kept asking me to sit down. riiiight... and do what?? nt wanting to appear rude, i just smiled at their 'requests'.

i didnt even say a word to him the whole time they were here. heck, i didnt say anything to anyone actually! hehe. but as they were leaving, i just said my thanks to him for coming over and asked a qn or two on how he's doing (at the door!).

sigh. it was so weird la. i dunno why other people cant see that this whole thing wont go anywhere. just coz someone is nice, has a good family background and stable job, doesnt mean that its so easy to get married to them. when 2 people are introduced, isnt it common sense to understand that there is a chance that it wont work out, even tho there are no major differences or factors involved? when a 'matchmake' like this is arranged, is it impossible to get out of? the worse thing is, i dun see him being so excited or psyched about this whole thing either. it's the families who have been pushing us, telling me that "he's interested but he's just shy", and trying to point out 'signs' that he's keen on this.

but even if he is, i'm not!

i noe i said that i'd give this a shot. but it's so so sooo hard when ur heart is just not into it. saying no is not an option, too. i noe, i tried it already.

i'm at my wit's end here. i guess all i can do now is to take each day at a time, stay as non-commital as possible and see how things go.

of blushes and silly grins

the breath stolen
the heart aflutter
a single moment
of multiple heartbeats
while the rush lived
as long as it lasted



...

love detector

I’m loving the sexy graphics of Love Detector*.

Wouldn’t you wish such a device truly existed?



* love detector is an entertainment iphone app developed by longneck

selamat hari raya

Here's wishing all fellow Muslim hearties and readers a Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri :)

Let's relish the quality time spent with loved ones and close friends.

Be happy.
Be merry.
And beware of mark-chicks.

hairy, hairy, quite contrary

I boarded the MRT earlier than usual today, mentally prepared for the selfish, annoying passengers amongst the rush hour crowd.

As expected, there were no empty seats. I stood holding a pole and looked around when my gaze landed on a head of hair a few steps in front of me.

Against the glass window, the head of hair glistened. It was a lady’s head of hair. Her hair was long, oily and tied untidily, exposing unwashed scalp. I could see white specks of dandruff clearly from my view.

In my silent disgust, I wondered how anyone could neglect his or her personal hygiene. I was seriously appalled especially cos this was a lady!

I cruelly wondered if she could find herself a husband should she continue to walk around in that state. Would any man be attracted to her?

My eyes bore through silhouettes and I observed her t-shirt, her sleeve, her arm, her hand…

Hold it!

Her fingers were entwined in another person’s hand. My eyes shot up, trying to see the person standing next to her…

It was a man. Her boyfriend? Husband?

Well, her male partner's head of hair wasn’t any better. It was dishevelled, exposing his scalp here and there, obviously unstyled from the moment he stepped out of bed. He didn't even look like he had showered.

They sure were made for each other.

L-O-V-E (part II)

The following was a comment contributed by our reader, Vanilla, in response to plastered heart's post. We felt and thought (no heart and mind battle there!) that it deserves its own published space. :)


L-O-V-E, oh what do we all know about it, right?
It comes in different shapes, forms, sizes, colours, smiles, prayers, kisses, words, almost anything you can imagine. I've concluded for myself, to love is not to reason. And love never really has a reason. When we love something or someone, we just do. We don't need reason to love, nor does love need any reason. It's a feeling. It's here (touches the heart).

Somewhere in this process, the mind suddenly reappears to remind you - 'hey you, don't forget me!'. And there you go - we start to justify or give explanations to certain things which never did require any of those. When we need to rationalise love, then at best what we can have is a relationship. Someone once shared this previous line with me, till today it's tattooed in me.

I guess, it's a habit to think after we feel. Sometimes that spoils the pure beauty of a simple sensation called 'F-E-E-L'. Special things behold unexplainable understanding. Sometimes the tendency to think too much is pretty high on the scale, then it becomes a bloody pain and a tumour at the back of our mind. So I quit thinking when i'm feeling, especially when in love, still loving or loved before. It never made any sense in the first place.

I thought I could rationalise so that I know how to justify what I'm doing or why I'm feeling this and that. Is it because of hidden insecurity, just a habit or guilt of not using the brain, or whatever it may be - I gave up, it doesn't matter.

So some will say, I'm being naive or don't be stupid by letting your emotions get over you, and be driven to a state madness. Some will say, love is blind or love only sees what it wants to see. Sometimes, it's darn tiring to always hear what others have to say. Well, I've learnt and want to trust my heart. If it fails me, so be it. Get up and walk again. And, I don't mean to completely leave behind the mind totally, of course.

Now now now, Hearties, this perpetual war between mind and heart; reasoning and feeling; logic and sense, rationale and baseless; and what-have-you, shall be a whole lifetime affair it seems! I may have been through the thickest of such battle that it almost drove me completely nuts, it bashes me to the bone, and gooossshhhh I was like the world's most miserable-looking-thing! I'm better now (or so i believe). It can be depressing because you're constantly fighting with that inner voice of both the heart and mind.

Can u imagine when two voices are trying to compete for your attention at the same time, and justifying to you why one is superior than the other? It's insane!

Try listening to 'Have You Ever Been in Love' by Celine Dion.

I love it.

everything men know about women

"Famed psychologist Alan Lowell Francis has written a landmark book on men's understanding of the most complex of all creatures - women. Based on years of research and interviews with thousands of men from all walks of life, he presents the most complete picture ever revealed of men's knowledge of their opposite sex. Fiercely frank and brilliantly insightful, this work spells out everything men know about such topics as:

• making friends with women
• romancing women
• achieving emotional intimacy with women
• making commitments to women
• satisfying women in bed

image from maniacworld

conditions of love

"we particularly relish in the other precisely the qualities that we lack ourselves. it would be absurd to crave what you already possess. in loving the other, we can come by to possess these qualities."

while i was cleaning out my closet yesterday, i came across this old diary i kept. one entry dated 21 nov 04 had a few quotes from this book conditions of love, by john armstrong. i remember reading it a few days after i broke up. it was a time of loss and trying to come to terms with what just happened, what went wrong. i guess i was trying to get some answers from this thin paperback from borders. hah.

the reason i jotted this quote down was coz reading it made me realise how true it is (for my case, at least). even now, as i reflect back on the guys i liked after 2004, it's still true.

the attributes that attract me to the guys i like are those that i dun possess myself. we love someone in the hope that what we love in them will rub on us, somehow. i think it makes sense, just that we dont do it consciously, just on a subconscious level.

say, my first ex... he's confident, speaks and writes well, a literary whiz to my then-17 year old self. one of the first things i loved about him was that he had a way with words, which i was (and still) a sucker for. it is what i aspire to be, so it could be one of the factors that made me fall in love then.

more recently, a co-worker i have a teeny crush on. he's my age, and yet he's already a manager, handling huge projects and with a team under him. on top of that, he has his own little entertainment company that he manages at night, something that he does simply coz he loves it. his passion to work and play just as hard is what i like about him, coz maybe im not someone whos so driven like him. of coz, he's kinda cute too :P

another one is this guy i met 3 yrs ago. he's one adventurous bugger, the kind who cant sit still and needs his adrenaline fix all the time. he regaled to me his dirt biking days, the times he went camping outdoors, cycling all around singapore, riding out to malaysia every other week, and how he's taken probably 20 part time jobs in his youth... as i sat there open-mouthed at how much he's done. again, it just amazes me how passionate and driven someone can be, something that's almost alien to one who's in a constant state of inertia as me :)

anyway, this could only be true for me, i dunno.

why not you guys reflect on this and tell me if it's the same for you.

the way I am

I'm in love with this song.

Listen to her smooth vocals:
"The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson



...................................................................................

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.