Its been over 3 yrs. The journey has been most fulfilling, full of highs and lows, lots of laughter and tears,and just as many glorious winning moments as there are weary battles lost. But the relationship is slowly becoming... stifling. Too clingy, too dependent. Not enough room to breathe. Suddenly, things that I'd do out of passion became an obligation. And that sense of dread in the pit of my stomach to face another day, to face you. Never a good sign. The thought of leaving crossed my mind, but I never had the courage to actually do it. A fear of the unknown? And if I could find someone who could treat me as well as you do?
Then something unexpected comes along. A long lost contact, a familiar voice calls me up with an offer to pick up where we left before. One meeting was all it took to make me reconsider my options. Against well-intended advice from friends and family, I felt it's time to move on.
Breaking the news was awkward, because I never showed signs of unhappiness. Always with a ready smile, never complaining. It came as a shocker, I'm sure. At first acceptance, and then came the slow talk.
"What can I do to make you stay?" he asked. I knew he genuinely wanted me there.
To my utter disbelief, he made me an offer I find hard to resist. It's what I always wanted, dangling in front of me. But it means staying for all the wrong reasons. The reasons to leave will still be there, the nagging, little problems that sowed seeds of my discontent will persist. And yet, he promises me a better future, that things will get better, to just give him a little more time.
This is of course, a safer path to take. A route I've traversed for years and for all its problems, one that I'm comfortable with.
On the other hand, there is someone waiting for my answer. Or rather, already assuming I will say yes. Sure, it's not exciting as what I'm used to now, but I can expect stability, and a fresh start, which I really need badly now.
So what now? I hate dilemmas.
How I wish my love life is as exciting as my work life, and instead of managers, men fight for me. Pfft!
Showing posts with label barren heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label barren heart. Show all posts
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
fear & trembling
Once upon a time, a young lad was madly in love with a princess. But
his love for his damsel cannot be fulfilled. The man has three
choices; either be a slave, a knight of infinite resignation or a
knight of faith.
The slave will bemoan the loss of his love, screaming of the
foolishness of love. He will be dejected and abandon this love.
The knight of infinite resignation will not give up his love for the
princess, but he accepts that they will never be together in this
life. Instead, he keeps the memory of his love for the princess and
this becomes his sustenance for life. He is kept going by the
beautiful memories of the princess and his unfulfilled love. The
knight of infinity may or may not believe that they may be together in
another life or in spirit, but what's important is that the knight of
infinity gives up on their being together in this world; in this life.
The knight of faith goes a step further than this. He believes that he
will get her, by virtue of the absurd. The knight of faith is willing
to believe that they will be together through divine possibility. The
knight is the individual who is able to gracefully embrace life
through his acceptance and leap of faith in the impossible.
Most people live dejectedly in worldly sorrow and joy; they are the
ones who sit along the wall and do not join in the dance (slaves). The
knights of infinity are dancers and possess elevation. They make the
movements upward, and fall down again; and this too is no mean
pastime, nor ungraceful to behold. But whenever they fall down they
are not able at once to assume the posture, they waver for an instant,
and this instability shows that after all they are human like the rest
of us.
One need not look at them when they are up in the air, but only the
instant they touch or have touched the ground–then one recognizes
them. But to be able to fall down in such a way that the same second
it looks as if one were standing and walking, to transform the leap of
life into a walk, absolutely to express the sublime in the
pedestrian–that only the knight of faith can do.
So which would you be?
~ adapted from fear & trembling, by soren kierkegaard
his love for his damsel cannot be fulfilled. The man has three
choices; either be a slave, a knight of infinite resignation or a
knight of faith.
The slave will bemoan the loss of his love, screaming of the
foolishness of love. He will be dejected and abandon this love.
The knight of infinite resignation will not give up his love for the
princess, but he accepts that they will never be together in this
life. Instead, he keeps the memory of his love for the princess and
this becomes his sustenance for life. He is kept going by the
beautiful memories of the princess and his unfulfilled love. The
knight of infinity may or may not believe that they may be together in
another life or in spirit, but what's important is that the knight of
infinity gives up on their being together in this world; in this life.
The knight of faith goes a step further than this. He believes that he
will get her, by virtue of the absurd. The knight of faith is willing
to believe that they will be together through divine possibility. The
knight is the individual who is able to gracefully embrace life
through his acceptance and leap of faith in the impossible.
Most people live dejectedly in worldly sorrow and joy; they are the
ones who sit along the wall and do not join in the dance (slaves). The
knights of infinity are dancers and possess elevation. They make the
movements upward, and fall down again; and this too is no mean
pastime, nor ungraceful to behold. But whenever they fall down they
are not able at once to assume the posture, they waver for an instant,
and this instability shows that after all they are human like the rest
of us.
One need not look at them when they are up in the air, but only the
instant they touch or have touched the ground–then one recognizes
them. But to be able to fall down in such a way that the same second
it looks as if one were standing and walking, to transform the leap of
life into a walk, absolutely to express the sublime in the
pedestrian–that only the knight of faith can do.
So which would you be?
~ adapted from fear & trembling, by soren kierkegaard
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
my momma said...
this was one of the first lessons my mother taught me (one that i can recall anyway). i remember her saying this to me when i was very young, probably when i wasn't even in primary school yet.
jangan suka-suka sangat, nanti jadi duka.
which literally translates to "don't be too happy, or else you'll be sad later."
she always said it when i was laughing very hard about something. or sometimes to people who made babies laugh too much. she would tell them to stop it, or else something will surely make them cry in a while.
i thought it's a very odd warning, still do. but it has rubbed off me somehow.
whenever i feel happy for no reason (don't you get one of those days?) or am excited over something, i always catch myself and my mother's words will ring a warning bell in my head. it's like an emergency brake on my joy, not to overdo it, as if there is a limit to all the happiness and when it runs out, sadness will come pouring in.
not sure if it's a self fulfilling prophecy, but sometimes it does happen to me.
so on those rare occasions i get an emotional high, it's always mingled with a touch of fear and worry. coz when the good times are here, i always get the feeling that the bad ones are near too.
like now.
it's inexplicable, but i've been feeling kinda light-hearted and smiley these few days. probably it's cos most of my major events are now over, thankfully. it just feels so good to get a breather, and just spend some me time - reading books, catching up on the news, watching crappy tv.
i'm.... happy. my heart feels lighter, it seems so much easier to smile. and it kinda worries me.
lol. weird huh?
let me know if there's anyone else who shares this same theory or tell me how i can get over this strange fear of happiness.
jangan suka-suka sangat, nanti jadi duka.
which literally translates to "don't be too happy, or else you'll be sad later."
she always said it when i was laughing very hard about something. or sometimes to people who made babies laugh too much. she would tell them to stop it, or else something will surely make them cry in a while.
i thought it's a very odd warning, still do. but it has rubbed off me somehow.
whenever i feel happy for no reason (don't you get one of those days?) or am excited over something, i always catch myself and my mother's words will ring a warning bell in my head. it's like an emergency brake on my joy, not to overdo it, as if there is a limit to all the happiness and when it runs out, sadness will come pouring in.
not sure if it's a self fulfilling prophecy, but sometimes it does happen to me.
so on those rare occasions i get an emotional high, it's always mingled with a touch of fear and worry. coz when the good times are here, i always get the feeling that the bad ones are near too.
like now.
it's inexplicable, but i've been feeling kinda light-hearted and smiley these few days. probably it's cos most of my major events are now over, thankfully. it just feels so good to get a breather, and just spend some me time - reading books, catching up on the news, watching crappy tv.
i'm.... happy. my heart feels lighter, it seems so much easier to smile. and it kinda worries me.
lol. weird huh?
let me know if there's anyone else who shares this same theory or tell me how i can get over this strange fear of happiness.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
the one that got away
In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with…and the one that got away.
Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.
I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little nice ties of giddy romance.
How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flash point of that fact.
Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.
So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come.
Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?”
That’s what the one that got away is, the biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.
If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her ever so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens… Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different.
What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple…find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee, ask her out for a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.” You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference.
If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”
by Mark J. Macapagal
something i came across and thought it's nice to share coz i couldnt agree more or said it better. i think most of us have experienced this... pondering about the what ifs, and could haves. one can go mad thinking about it, but i guess what's important is acknowledging that everything happens for a reason. and how ever the situation turns out, it's always a consequence of your own actions, so no regrets :)
Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.
I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little nice ties of giddy romance.
How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flash point of that fact.
Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.
So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come.
Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?”
That’s what the one that got away is, the biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.
If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her ever so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens… Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different.
What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple…find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee, ask her out for a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.” You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference.
If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”
by Mark J. Macapagal
something i came across and thought it's nice to share coz i couldnt agree more or said it better. i think most of us have experienced this... pondering about the what ifs, and could haves. one can go mad thinking about it, but i guess what's important is acknowledging that everything happens for a reason. and how ever the situation turns out, it's always a consequence of your own actions, so no regrets :)
Sunday, March 28, 2010
love is the beauty of the soul
Love is a temporary madness.
It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together
that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness,
it is not excitement,
it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.
That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground,
and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches
we found that we were one tree and not two.
Captain Corelli's Mandolin6
It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together
that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness,
it is not excitement,
it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.
That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground,
and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches
we found that we were one tree and not two.
Captain Corelli's Mandolin6
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
of work & weddings
i think this blog has gathered so much dust that it should be chucked. apologies to our readers (if there are any left). we've been bad, bad hearties.
not making any excuses for myself but work's been really crazy these few months. it's only january but i've got my project schedule lined up all the way to june. and already i'm feeling so burnt out that i'm thinking of planning my much deserved vacation in july! yes, already!
i love what i do, but it doesn't help that i'm the only one left in the dept, after my manager left in november. yeap, been holding the fort all by myself.
more bad news is that all my weekends in may are going to be packed with pr events. bad coz one of my dearest gal pals is getting married in may and i'm the bridesmaid! somehow, i need to squeeze my time to plan a bridal shower for her then. and i'm praying that i dont have to work on the weekend of her wedding!!!
speaking of weddings, 2010 is really THE year i think. 2 colleagues already got hitched this year, with one more in june. another 2 in the pipeline, both of which, i'll be the bridesmaid. hee. not sure what i'm supposed to do really. i hope my duties are just just to stand beside them, hold/answer their hps, fan them occasionally and look pretty. and of coz, check out the groom's single male frens :P
when my mom found out tat my frens are getting married, i was kinda worried what her reaction would be. i thought she'd be pressurising me even more, now that most of my frens are officially off the market.
but to my surprise, it was quite the opposite. mom told me that she and my dad thinks that i shldnt rush to just choose anyone, and that its ok i take my time, as long as the 'candidate' is a good guy (in her words, "biar lambat, asalkan dapat yang bagus").
what a different tune they're singing now. but of coz, i'm glad and thankful for that. i guess they didnt want me to get upset and just find someone to marry coz of peer pressure, and to keep up with the jones.
so while i pelan-pelan kayuh to look for mr right, i got plenty of work to occupy my time with. well, at least until june :)
not making any excuses for myself but work's been really crazy these few months. it's only january but i've got my project schedule lined up all the way to june. and already i'm feeling so burnt out that i'm thinking of planning my much deserved vacation in july! yes, already!
i love what i do, but it doesn't help that i'm the only one left in the dept, after my manager left in november. yeap, been holding the fort all by myself.
more bad news is that all my weekends in may are going to be packed with pr events. bad coz one of my dearest gal pals is getting married in may and i'm the bridesmaid! somehow, i need to squeeze my time to plan a bridal shower for her then. and i'm praying that i dont have to work on the weekend of her wedding!!!
speaking of weddings, 2010 is really THE year i think. 2 colleagues already got hitched this year, with one more in june. another 2 in the pipeline, both of which, i'll be the bridesmaid. hee. not sure what i'm supposed to do really. i hope my duties are just just to stand beside them, hold/answer their hps, fan them occasionally and look pretty. and of coz, check out the groom's single male frens :P
when my mom found out tat my frens are getting married, i was kinda worried what her reaction would be. i thought she'd be pressurising me even more, now that most of my frens are officially off the market.
but to my surprise, it was quite the opposite. mom told me that she and my dad thinks that i shldnt rush to just choose anyone, and that its ok i take my time, as long as the 'candidate' is a good guy (in her words, "biar lambat, asalkan dapat yang bagus").
what a different tune they're singing now. but of coz, i'm glad and thankful for that. i guess they didnt want me to get upset and just find someone to marry coz of peer pressure, and to keep up with the jones.
so while i pelan-pelan kayuh to look for mr right, i got plenty of work to occupy my time with. well, at least until june :)
Monday, January 18, 2010
top 5 of 2009
1. When I say never, always or forever, it rarely works out.
Lesson learnt: Never say never.
2. When I have notions of the future in my head, they almost never come true (for eg imagining how my wedding or future house is like. HAHA!).
Lesson learnt: Stop daydreaming!
3. Things happen when I least expect it. It applies for the good and the bad.
Lesson learnt: Never let my guard down and always expect the worst. (oops, broke lesson #1!). Lemme rephrase that to: go in with zero expectations but don’t lose faith in people and that things could be better. A bit tricky to do, and still trying to strike a balance here.
4. I tend to second guess myself after a decision is made. And more often than not, it’s too late to make amends or change my choice when I do change my mind afterwards.
Lesson learnt: Think before I speak. After that, think twice. And don’t shoot my mouth off.
5. What one consider to be honesty may be taken as inconsiderate and insensitive by others.
Lesson learnt: Refer to #4.
i'm not one for new year resolutions, and it IS a bit late now. but hopefully, by putting these down, i will be constantly reminded to be wiser in my choices.
Lesson learnt: Never say never.
2. When I have notions of the future in my head, they almost never come true (for eg imagining how my wedding or future house is like. HAHA!).
Lesson learnt: Stop daydreaming!
3. Things happen when I least expect it. It applies for the good and the bad.
Lesson learnt: Never let my guard down and always expect the worst. (oops, broke lesson #1!). Lemme rephrase that to: go in with zero expectations but don’t lose faith in people and that things could be better. A bit tricky to do, and still trying to strike a balance here.
4. I tend to second guess myself after a decision is made. And more often than not, it’s too late to make amends or change my choice when I do change my mind afterwards.
Lesson learnt: Think before I speak. After that, think twice. And don’t shoot my mouth off.
5. What one consider to be honesty may be taken as inconsiderate and insensitive by others.
Lesson learnt: Refer to #4.
i'm not one for new year resolutions, and it IS a bit late now. but hopefully, by putting these down, i will be constantly reminded to be wiser in my choices.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
in search of the elusive one
a pointless but enlightening conversation on a dreary wednesday afternoon…
p.q: that time i went there i saw another malay guy
p.q: n this guy was wearing a suit so he's definitely in the business side
barren: wah corporate malay guy
barren: why is it so surprising to find corporate malay guys?
barren: lol
barren: i find it so rare and refreshing
p.q: yea
p.q: he LOOKED refreshing
p.q: haha
barren: lol
barren: tat time i had a meeting with a mediacorp sales guy
barren: malay also
barren: refreshing also
barren: lol
p.q: lol
p.q: i wonder how they're like in person
p.q: are they humorous? witty?
barren: i dunno, i hardly come across such species
barren: its almost like they're an urban legend
barren: *ponder
p.q: i know!
p.q: but i don't think i can be in a relationship with one?
p.q: actually im not sure
p.q: i think such men come with big ego
barren: or high standards
barren: which i don't think i can keep up with
barren: hiak2
at the risk of sounding racist (but how could we, we’re malays too!), this is really true for my friend, ms p.q. and i. we hardly come across corporatey malay guys, or at least the straight ones. I only noe of two, and yeah, their standards are damn high la.
Are they such an elusive specimen, that we’re not quite sure if they even exist? And single ones? Even harder to find!
And why are we so intimidated by the idea of a high-flying malay guy? More often than not, we’d assume that these men, especially the good-lookers, “won’t go for malay girls” and stereotype them as “sure wanna look for angmoh or chinese gf”.
Why ah?
Anyone care to refute our totally baseless assumptions? Or has evidence that the opposite is true?
Sunday, December 13, 2009
in the arms of an angel
I would rather have had
one breath of her hair
one kiss of her mouth
one touch of her hand
than an eternity without it.
One.
city of angels
love the show and ost but hate the ending nevertheless.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
settling down for less
Being single is a choice. I think most of us, including you, our dear readers, can get attached is a jiffy, if we choose to. It’s a matter of dropping your expectations and thinking long term isn’t it – procreating for the greater good, making our parents happy, escaping boredom in old age. So many reasons to just go out and settle down, to settle for less...
We could. But why are we not doing it? Why am I not doing it?
My answer to this question came recently, when I saw pictures of my freshly attached friends.
That look on their faces.
Bliss. Just pure bliss of gazing each other in the eyes.
The joy of proclaiming to the world (or your facebook friends, at least) that yes, you’ve finally found someone!
Not caring if everyone thinks you’re a love sick nut case, coz YOU are happy.
That overwhelming feeling that consumes your whole being until it shows on your face even as you walk down the street alone.
I want that. I really do.
But oh wells. Not everyone can get what they want eh?
On to the next match-up!
p/s: in pms mode. Guess that’s self explanatory.
We could. But why are we not doing it? Why am I not doing it?
My answer to this question came recently, when I saw pictures of my freshly attached friends.
That look on their faces.
Bliss. Just pure bliss of gazing each other in the eyes.
The joy of proclaiming to the world (or your facebook friends, at least) that yes, you’ve finally found someone!
Not caring if everyone thinks you’re a love sick nut case, coz YOU are happy.
That overwhelming feeling that consumes your whole being until it shows on your face even as you walk down the street alone.
I want that. I really do.
But oh wells. Not everyone can get what they want eh?
On to the next match-up!
p/s: in pms mode. Guess that’s self explanatory.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
hi, my name is…
I swear it’s true. For those who don’t know, Good Luck Chuck is a movie about this guy who thinks he's cursed, coz after a girl sleeps with him, she finds the true love of her life and gets married.
There were a few instances where I ‘turned down’ a guy (not sleep with him!), and he’ll hook up in no time, and more often than not… they’ll get married!
For example:
Specimen 1: Mr F
Time: Circa early 2007
Synopsis: Met Mr F in late 2006, hit it off really well but we kept things casual and didn’t want to rush things. Around Dec, my ex made a proposal (as in suggestion, not the on-one-bended-knee kind) for us to try again. I faltered for a moment and told Mr F i’m considering the ex. Disappointed, he went off to get married within months.
Specimen 2: The Ex
Time: Still early 2007
Synopsis: After Mr F got hitched, I was kinda upset. Even though Mr F was no longer in the picture, I still couldn’t give my heart completely yet (yeah, I’m fickle like that). I asked for more time, which unfortunately, during that time, he met someone else. They tied the knot about a year later.
Specimen 3: The one who made me go hmmm
Time: Last month
Synopsis: An update on that entry. It turned out all that he was considering us getting together, which explained all that weird actions. To cut things short, I kinda blew him off initially. After thinking things over, I told him that we could give it a shot. But what’s done is done, and I couldn’t take back what I said before. He was in a depressed, suicidal mood just 2 weeks ago, telling me about how it’s hopeless coz he doesn’t think he can find someone now. But just a few days ago on facebook, I saw that his relationship status has changed! It’s someone he knew from childhood apparently.
So there you go. These are just the main ones I highlighted. There were a few others that I dated briefly who also got married to the next girl they dated.
Coincidence?
Of course la! I don’t believe I have such a curse (or gift, depending on how you see it. heh). It’s just uncanny, don’t you think?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
there is no sun and there is no sound
I awake to see no light shining bright through my window.
I awake to feel an empty beating and an empty room.
I awake to hear the sound of the silence with all of its sorrow.
I awake to smell the scent of something I know.
Something is missing. Something is not in its place. Something hurts.
Something, something, that something is you.
http://www.makeliterature.com/reviewing/storyline-7047
I awake to feel an empty beating and an empty room.
I awake to hear the sound of the silence with all of its sorrow.
I awake to smell the scent of something I know.
Something is missing. Something is not in its place. Something hurts.
Something, something, that something is you.
http://www.makeliterature.com/reviewing/storyline-7047
Sunday, November 1, 2009
single, desperate, ugly... not!
Two ads caught my eye in the papers last weekend. One was promoting a Dating Challenge, another on some Dating Treats promotion. Both were organised by the Social Development Network (that’s the new name for SDU, guess they got sick of the SingleDesperateUgly jokes). I’ve always seen ads and articles on the events and campaigns that SDU has been working on to ‘encourage’ us singletons to find a match and get married. Used to skim through their newsletters that was sent to my ex last time; I didn’t get it, coz apparently only full time grads from local unis are automatically enrolled.
I remembered being kinda peeved with the ‘discrimination’ (part-time grads don’t need help meh?) and having the impression that these events always have more women and most participants were not malays anyway. So I never bothered to check them out. But since jaded heart was asking about places to meet new people, I thought no harm in seeing if this is a viable channel. And I was kinda curious what kinda events they organised so I went to their webby to take a look.
They really have a lot of events going on… speed dating lunches, overseas trips, mass movie dates, charity events. But I get the feeling I’m not quite the right target audience. Most of the venues are at pubs or fine dining restaurants, and some are exclusively for Christian singles… so nah.
But a few caught my eye, like the street photography workshop and the paintball trip up to Johor. Not for the dating element, but it could be fun if you gather a few friends to go together.
After looking through the website, even though it shows how much effort our gahmen is putting into this, it all seems so… contrived to me. Blame it on the romantic comedies, sappy Korean drams or love songs that I’ve been exposed to, but maybe I’ve been conditioned to fall in love, as opposed to finding it at a “fun activity especially for SDN LoveByte Users that includes buffet dinner and free flow fruit punch.”
The best things happen when you least expect it, not when you purposely seek out for it in an SDU forum.
That’s just my two cents’ worth. Maybe this will work for others. I’m sure there are success stories that SDU can be proud of. But it’s just not for me. I’ll go back to hanging around the aisles of Border’s and trawling myspace for my husband-to-be. Heh, ok kidding.
Paintball, anyone?
I remembered being kinda peeved with the ‘discrimination’ (part-time grads don’t need help meh?) and having the impression that these events always have more women and most participants were not malays anyway. So I never bothered to check them out. But since jaded heart was asking about places to meet new people, I thought no harm in seeing if this is a viable channel. And I was kinda curious what kinda events they organised so I went to their webby to take a look.
They really have a lot of events going on… speed dating lunches, overseas trips, mass movie dates, charity events. But I get the feeling I’m not quite the right target audience. Most of the venues are at pubs or fine dining restaurants, and some are exclusively for Christian singles… so nah.
But a few caught my eye, like the street photography workshop and the paintball trip up to Johor. Not for the dating element, but it could be fun if you gather a few friends to go together.
After looking through the website, even though it shows how much effort our gahmen is putting into this, it all seems so… contrived to me. Blame it on the romantic comedies, sappy Korean drams or love songs that I’ve been exposed to, but maybe I’ve been conditioned to fall in love, as opposed to finding it at a “fun activity especially for SDN LoveByte Users that includes buffet dinner and free flow fruit punch.”
The best things happen when you least expect it, not when you purposely seek out for it in an SDU forum.
That’s just my two cents’ worth. Maybe this will work for others. I’m sure there are success stories that SDU can be proud of. But it’s just not for me. I’ll go back to hanging around the aisles of Border’s and trawling myspace for my husband-to-be. Heh, ok kidding.
Paintball, anyone?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
all about signs
Taken from the shoppinglifestyle.com's article:
5 Body Language Clues He (Definitely) Likes You
SIGN #1: He flashes his brows and smiles when he sees you.
SIGN #2: He points his body towards you.
SIGN #3: He gazes at your lips while you're talking.
SIGN #4: His pupils widen and he blinks more when looking at you.
SIGN #5: He laughs at just about everything you say.
so there you go, jaded. hope this helps you a bit. not sure if these are all true, i guess the only way is to ask a male friend or our male readers (are there any left??).
if all else fails, i think you should just follow your gut and women's intuition. if a guy is giving mixed signals and i cant read them, then i'd assume he's stringing me along.
Friday, October 23, 2009
a lazy friday entry
For the past hour, I’ve been fighting to keep my eyes open. A few times, I almost dozed off in front of the pc. It’s always during the magical hour between 3-4pm… looks like it’s gonna be an early friday night for me today.
Wanted to bubble an entry here but realised I’ve got nothing to write about! Pfft.
How about you, our fellow hearties and readers, tell me what you wanna know? Topics to raise, burning questions you wanna know about the hearties, what you hate/love to read about… anything la. As long as it doesn’t compromise our anonymity of cos :)
I know it’s cheating but I’m on a dry spell here, need some help to get those bubbling thoughts popping... heh.
Anyway, tgif peeps!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
quote of the day
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
:)
Monday, October 12, 2009
the one who made me go hmmm
An old friend asked me out for dinner on sat night. Although I had no plans and was kinda bored myself, it was quite late, the weather was drizzly and my butt was heavy from inactivity during the fasting month (was holed up at home during the weekends baking cookies). So I ended up whining to him about how I wish he could fetch me and trying to psycho him to come over to my neighbourhood instead (to no avail). I noe, I must sound like a superbly spoilt brat to you now :P
At this point, he exclaimed, “macam mana la kau nak kawin macam ni?” Which translates to how are you gonna get married like this? What he meant was, he’s already asking me out and there I was, making excuses not to meet him.
Hmmm. Was this supposed to be a date?
Anyway, I asked him what’s there to do if we meet. Coz there was nothing good to catch at the movies, and it’s rather pointless to go out to town just to eat and then go back right?
His reply? “We should go out and do something we haven’t done before. And we should just let things happen.”
Hmmm. Should let WHAT happen?
This is one guy I’ve known for about 3 years now, on a purely platonic basis. He’s sorta like my online punching bag… someone to complain and rant to when I’m not happy about something. It’s not like I’m bullying or using him, really! He’s just the perfect candidate coz HE’S got a lot of grouses of his own which he heaps on me. Without me realising it (no thanks to my goldfish-short term memory), I’ve unloaded to him about my family, work, exbfs, bad dates and the many awful days I went through over the years we’ve known each other.
For me, I just let off steam by typing whatever comes to my mind when I see him online. Also coz he’s always online no matter what time of day it is. Random thoughts, daily whingeing about everything and nothing in particular at times; things I never thought would see the light of day after that.
To my surprise, I realised recently that he remembers most of the stuff I’ve been telling him. Of coz, there are the notable bad dates that he never fails to bring up (some are so bad, who could forget??). But there are also other details that I don’t recall ever telling him.
In recent weeks, he’s been telling me stuff that I told him before which made me go, “did I tell u that??” and “how the hell do you remember all these stuff that I told u eons ago??”
As I type this, I am recalling another convo we had a few weeks ago. I cant remember what we were talking about but it came to a point when he said that we never got to start anything coz we were always involved/interested in someone else at one point or another.
Cue my third hmmm moment. Start WHAT?
Then, just a few nights ago on msn, he started asking me weird questions. Like, would you invite me if u got married. When I replied yes, he said, “ok, so we’re in the friends zone.”
Next question: “Would you date me if I wasn’t an asshole?”
HMMMMMM. I never considered that an option and I told him as much. Jokingly, I said it’s also coz he will always be an asshole, so that probability is zero. Heh. He seemed contented with that answer, saying that it’s good to know where he stands hypothetically. So that was that.
Maybe I’m reading too much into this. Anyway, whatever la. All I know is that I just treat him as a friend. No other thoughts other than… say it all together now… hmmmmm.
At this point, he exclaimed, “macam mana la kau nak kawin macam ni?” Which translates to how are you gonna get married like this? What he meant was, he’s already asking me out and there I was, making excuses not to meet him.
Hmmm. Was this supposed to be a date?
Anyway, I asked him what’s there to do if we meet. Coz there was nothing good to catch at the movies, and it’s rather pointless to go out to town just to eat and then go back right?
His reply? “We should go out and do something we haven’t done before. And we should just let things happen.”
Hmmm. Should let WHAT happen?
This is one guy I’ve known for about 3 years now, on a purely platonic basis. He’s sorta like my online punching bag… someone to complain and rant to when I’m not happy about something. It’s not like I’m bullying or using him, really! He’s just the perfect candidate coz HE’S got a lot of grouses of his own which he heaps on me. Without me realising it (no thanks to my goldfish-short term memory), I’ve unloaded to him about my family, work, exbfs, bad dates and the many awful days I went through over the years we’ve known each other.
For me, I just let off steam by typing whatever comes to my mind when I see him online. Also coz he’s always online no matter what time of day it is. Random thoughts, daily whingeing about everything and nothing in particular at times; things I never thought would see the light of day after that.
To my surprise, I realised recently that he remembers most of the stuff I’ve been telling him. Of coz, there are the notable bad dates that he never fails to bring up (some are so bad, who could forget??). But there are also other details that I don’t recall ever telling him.
In recent weeks, he’s been telling me stuff that I told him before which made me go, “did I tell u that??” and “how the hell do you remember all these stuff that I told u eons ago??”
As I type this, I am recalling another convo we had a few weeks ago. I cant remember what we were talking about but it came to a point when he said that we never got to start anything coz we were always involved/interested in someone else at one point or another.
Cue my third hmmm moment. Start WHAT?
Then, just a few nights ago on msn, he started asking me weird questions. Like, would you invite me if u got married. When I replied yes, he said, “ok, so we’re in the friends zone.”
Next question: “Would you date me if I wasn’t an asshole?”
HMMMMMM. I never considered that an option and I told him as much. Jokingly, I said it’s also coz he will always be an asshole, so that probability is zero. Heh. He seemed contented with that answer, saying that it’s good to know where he stands hypothetically. So that was that.
Maybe I’m reading too much into this. Anyway, whatever la. All I know is that I just treat him as a friend. No other thoughts other than… say it all together now… hmmmmm.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
the test
We often hear ppl say that the course of true love never runs smooth. And that you have to overcome obstacles before you find bliss at the end of the line. That hardships will give way to happiness eventually. That if we just hold on and persevere, we shall be rewarded with a love that stood the test of time and troubled waters, making it that much sweeter.
On the other hand, I’ve been personally told that if the person is not right for you, then some sort of higher power will not make that path easy for you. That we should take these obstacles as ‘signs’ that things are not meant to be.
So which is which? Someone said that if you’re meant to be with someone, there are bound to be obstacles but you will eventually come out of them or are able to solve them together, making your relationship stronger.
So we must figure out if these obstacles are ‘solvable’ or not, to determine if we should hold on or let go?
I never found out. But let go anyway.
How about you?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
the one who visited my house
the one who had little to say was introduced by a close family friend; he's actually the younger brother of this lady who's very close to my mom.
given the close ties my parents have with their family, it's a sticky situation and both families have been pushing very hard for this to go through. that means i cant just turn down or cease contact with him even though theres no chemistry betw us and i dun see myself going further in this.
it's been over a year since we were introduced, with about 4 dates under our belt, once-in-a-blue-moon smses and still, zero phonecalls. the one similarity i see with him is that we're both shy with people we're not comfortable with and we take a very long time to warm up to people. usually similarities are a good thing isnt it? but in this situation, it's kinda detrimental and makes it quite impossible for us to take this further.
i voiced out my concerns to my parents; but they still insist that i should maintain that minimum contact we have and try to keep this going. nevertheless, sensing that this really isnt going anywhere, my mom half-jokingly told that family friend that if nothing happens by this hari raya, it's a no-go.
obviously, i have been secretly wishing that NOTHING happens but, whaddya noe, just this afternoon, my mom told me that his family will be coming round our place for visiting..... *dread*
so how was it? awkwardness to the max la!
i'm not the super friendly type, nor am i the chatty hostess who can make small talk with guests who come to my house. usually, tat's my parent's job and i'll be helping out in the kitchen. even with my close relatives, i do the same.
but suddenly, today, i was expected to sit beside this guy and make small talk in front of his family (which btw, comprised of his mom, elder brother, his wife and 3 kids, his sister and her husband).
how am i supposed to talk to him in front of our families when we hardly talk when we were alone? the seat beside him at the dining table was always somehow empty, and his sister and my mom kept asking me to sit down. riiiight... and do what?? nt wanting to appear rude, i just smiled at their 'requests'.
i didnt even say a word to him the whole time they were here. heck, i didnt say anything to anyone actually! hehe. but as they were leaving, i just said my thanks to him for coming over and asked a qn or two on how he's doing (at the door!).
sigh. it was so weird la. i dunno why other people cant see that this whole thing wont go anywhere. just coz someone is nice, has a good family background and stable job, doesnt mean that its so easy to get married to them. when 2 people are introduced, isnt it common sense to understand that there is a chance that it wont work out, even tho there are no major differences or factors involved? when a 'matchmake' like this is arranged, is it impossible to get out of? the worse thing is, i dun see him being so excited or psyched about this whole thing either. it's the families who have been pushing us, telling me that "he's interested but he's just shy", and trying to point out 'signs' that he's keen on this.
but even if he is, i'm not!
i noe i said that i'd give this a shot. but it's so so sooo hard when ur heart is just not into it. saying no is not an option, too. i noe, i tried it already.
i'm at my wit's end here. i guess all i can do now is to take each day at a time, stay as non-commital as possible and see how things go.
given the close ties my parents have with their family, it's a sticky situation and both families have been pushing very hard for this to go through. that means i cant just turn down or cease contact with him even though theres no chemistry betw us and i dun see myself going further in this.
it's been over a year since we were introduced, with about 4 dates under our belt, once-in-a-blue-moon smses and still, zero phonecalls. the one similarity i see with him is that we're both shy with people we're not comfortable with and we take a very long time to warm up to people. usually similarities are a good thing isnt it? but in this situation, it's kinda detrimental and makes it quite impossible for us to take this further.
i voiced out my concerns to my parents; but they still insist that i should maintain that minimum contact we have and try to keep this going. nevertheless, sensing that this really isnt going anywhere, my mom half-jokingly told that family friend that if nothing happens by this hari raya, it's a no-go.
obviously, i have been secretly wishing that NOTHING happens but, whaddya noe, just this afternoon, my mom told me that his family will be coming round our place for visiting..... *dread*
so how was it? awkwardness to the max la!
i'm not the super friendly type, nor am i the chatty hostess who can make small talk with guests who come to my house. usually, tat's my parent's job and i'll be helping out in the kitchen. even with my close relatives, i do the same.
but suddenly, today, i was expected to sit beside this guy and make small talk in front of his family (which btw, comprised of his mom, elder brother, his wife and 3 kids, his sister and her husband).
how am i supposed to talk to him in front of our families when we hardly talk when we were alone? the seat beside him at the dining table was always somehow empty, and his sister and my mom kept asking me to sit down. riiiight... and do what?? nt wanting to appear rude, i just smiled at their 'requests'.
i didnt even say a word to him the whole time they were here. heck, i didnt say anything to anyone actually! hehe. but as they were leaving, i just said my thanks to him for coming over and asked a qn or two on how he's doing (at the door!).
sigh. it was so weird la. i dunno why other people cant see that this whole thing wont go anywhere. just coz someone is nice, has a good family background and stable job, doesnt mean that its so easy to get married to them. when 2 people are introduced, isnt it common sense to understand that there is a chance that it wont work out, even tho there are no major differences or factors involved? when a 'matchmake' like this is arranged, is it impossible to get out of? the worse thing is, i dun see him being so excited or psyched about this whole thing either. it's the families who have been pushing us, telling me that "he's interested but he's just shy", and trying to point out 'signs' that he's keen on this.
but even if he is, i'm not!
i noe i said that i'd give this a shot. but it's so so sooo hard when ur heart is just not into it. saying no is not an option, too. i noe, i tried it already.
i'm at my wit's end here. i guess all i can do now is to take each day at a time, stay as non-commital as possible and see how things go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
