my momma said...

this was one of the first lessons my mother taught me (one that i can recall anyway). i remember her saying this to me when i was very young, probably when i wasn't even in primary school yet.

jangan suka-suka sangat, nanti jadi duka.

which literally translates to "don't be too happy, or else you'll be sad later."

she always said it when i was laughing very hard about something. or sometimes to people who made babies laugh too much. she would tell them to stop it, or else something will surely make them cry in a while.

i thought it's a very odd warning, still do. but it has rubbed off me somehow.

whenever i feel happy for no reason (don't you get one of those days?) or am excited over something, i always catch myself and my mother's words will ring a warning bell in my head. it's like an emergency brake on my joy, not to overdo it, as if there is a limit to all the happiness and when it runs out, sadness will come pouring in.

not sure if it's a self fulfilling prophecy, but sometimes it does happen to me.

so on those rare occasions i get an emotional high, it's always mingled with a touch of fear and worry. coz when the good times are here, i always get the feeling that the bad ones are near too.

like now.

it's inexplicable, but i've been feeling kinda light-hearted and smiley these few days. probably it's cos most of my major events are now over, thankfully. it just feels so good to get a breather, and just spend some me time - reading books, catching up on the news, watching crappy tv.

i'm.... happy. my heart feels lighter, it seems so much easier to smile. and it kinda worries me.

lol. weird huh?

let me know if there's anyone else who shares this same theory or tell me how i can get over this strange fear of happiness.

the one who made me run (part II)

Have you ever reflected on something you did ages ago and wondered why the hell you even did it? Like why, why, why?

Well, that’s how I felt whenever I think back about Mr big eyes.
Ok… after my sprinting episode, he finally left me alone. Thank God... No more sudden appearances, no more staring, no more stalking, nothing. Months passed and he graduated. I no longer saw him around in school and I soon forgot all about him...

Until the day I met him again.

Was walking towards my usual bus stop when I spotted him standing there. We boarded the same bus but did nothing more than to give each other the eye of recognition.

It happened quite often after that but he never did anything that scared me so I soon decided that he was harmless. Only after crossing paths a few more times, he made small talk with me. It was no longer something lame like the weather but we sort of exchanged nuggets of information.

I can’t remember what happened in detail but oddly we became friends. Why, why why? I guess I remember thinking that he probably scared girls away with his looks and weird approaches and deduced that maybe all he needed was just a friend. I suppose that’s how I decided to give him a chance.

I have a pretty good memory but I can’t remember how or why I passed him my address. But it must have happened otherwise he wouldn’t have written me letters. Yea, yea… Why, why why? The irony of it… being pen pals with your ex-stalker.

Anyway, we kept in touch via letters, emails and even hung out a few times. I know, I know.. Why, why why? Well, until…

I invited him to an exhibition that I was a part of. He turned up. I thought it was rather nice of him and was appreciative about it but as I couldn’t bring him around myself, I advised him to look around by himself.

I remember this scene distinctly. I was standing with my friends when a friend pointed out to me, “Hey your friend’s been staring at you the whole time from upstairs”. I looked up and there was Mr big eyes, two levels above me, his big eyes fixated on me.

Realising that I have caught sight of him, he gave a slow wave.

I don’t know why but I froze that very minute. A familiar feeling started to creep up on me.

I suddenly recalled a time when he asked what perfume I applied. When I told him I didn’t apply any, he stood close to me and took a deep long sniff of my hair with his eyes closed.

I shuddered. The familiar feeling started to make sense...

It was fear.

You might think I’m silly but I never quite gotten over that fear. It creeped me out so bad that I avoided his calls, did not reply his emails and letters. In fact he was the original reason why I used pseudonyms online.

From that day on, it’s as though I suffered a short circuit in my memory. Imagine, I could remember the entire earlier scary experience of being stalked in school but couldn’t remember much of what happened during our friendship.

His last letter to me was a few years ago. He had just returned from the United States after five years and wanted to make contact again. I suppose he was trying his luck by sending me a letter.

I still remember his last letter… it was white and had tiny heart designs all around.

I never replied.

You could say I made myself scarce from his life.

the one who made me run

This happened back when I was still studying. Yes, it’s an old story but my encounter with Mr big eyes left me haunted even till today. I was reminded of this when I recently spotted someone who looked like him.

I was making my way home from the bus interchange one day when I noticed in front of me, a tall guy whom I recognized as a senior in my school.

There was light drizzle but as my steps, at its usual speed were rather quick, I didn’t let the slight patter bother me. Pretty soon, I almost overtook the guy.

Suddenly, he stopped in his tracks in front of me. He held his hand out to feel the drops of rain on the skin of his palm and turned to me. “It’s raining,” he said.

I just nodded.

I continued walking. So did he, right next to me, matching my steps while trying to make conversation with me. I can’t remember the conversation that ensued but I’m sure it wasn’t much and that it was mainly a question and answer session with me trying to be polite.

By the time I had covered about two-thirds of my journey home, he was still walking next to me. He told me where he stayed (which was only a few blocks before mine!) and asked where I stayed. I lied and pointed to a block neighbouring mine. I just wasn’t comfortable in telling him where I stayed.

We parted ways when we reached near his block and I made my way home quickly, all the while making sure I wasn’t being followed.

He appeared again another day and walked next to me when I was walking home. I pretended to be cool when deep down I felt really uncomfortable.

Then suddenly the ordeal began. I never failed to catch him and his big eyes staring at me amongst any crowd in school. He was somehow always in sight at the canteen or corridor or quadrangle. You name it - somewhere, somehow and always. Even when I stayed beyond the normal school hours, he could be seen lurking around the school compound.

I was freaked out.

And I had every reason to.

Once, when I spotted him at one end of the canteen, my friend and I made our way to the back of the canteen and dashed to the other end of the canteen, unobstructed. When we reached the OTHER end, he was already there! It was insanely terrifying.

How on earth did he make his way across so fast through the crowded canteen, I don’t know. But I knew I was scared shitless.

Every day I was in fear of being followed.

One day, my friend and I boarded the bus and he was already seated there! After my friend alighted at her bus stop, I deliberated on what I should do.

To my relief, he stood up and alighted way before we reached the interchange. I thought to myself, perhaps I had been too paranoid. He wasn’t following me. Maybe it was mere coincidence all along.

Feeling a lot calmer, I made my way home the usual way. Well, actually, there was only ONE way I could walk home from the bus interchange.

To my horror, he appeared right beside me out of the blue! And I hadn’t even noticed where he came from!

My mind wondered how the hell he could have reached the same place at the same time when he alighted many stops earlier. It just didn’t make any sense!

He tried to make conversation again, but this time I just walked away. I crossed the road to the pavement on the opposite side. But I could still feel him observing me. From the corner of my eye I could see that he was matching his steps to mine.

I was terrified but I decided that I couldn’t possibly walk home. My block was situated at the end of the straight road. It wasn’t as though I could weave my way in and out of blocks of flats and try to lose him.

The quicker I walked, the faster my heart beat. It felt like it was expanding with every beat and was rising up to my throat to choke the life out of me.

Before I understood what I was doing, my legs lifted themselves and started to run. I ran like I had never run before, not towards home but as far as I could and away from that area.

And I stayed away for some time before I decided to make my way home again.


to be continued