straight from the horse's mouth

Just yesterday, two men were in my office, servicing the printer. For a couple of servicemen on the job, they sure talked a lot… and loudly too.

So while I was minding my own business at my desk, I couldn't help but overhear their conversation.

They were chatting about several different topics when Guy A started sharing his problems to Guy B. He talked about his mother, brother and basically sighed a lot.

Guy A: itulah… banyak benda (see… there’s plenty of problems)
Guy B: alah kau dah kahwin ape (well, at least you’re already married)
I suppose Guy B was consoling him that at least he wasn’t alone in this.
Guy A: kahwin? Kahwin, tak kahwin… kahwin tu untuk lepaskan nafsu (married? Marriage makes no difference. Marriage is just to relieve your lust)

I was appalled! I felt like turning around and smacking Guy A’s bloody face. But then it wouldn’t be worth it – he’s not worth it.

It reminded me of this episode of this Malay programme I caught on Suria called Mahligai Kaca (it basically means “Glass Castle”… aptly captures the fragility of marriage). I was told that the storylines were derived from real family court cases, although I’m not too sure about the accuracy of this.

But I must say the programme was an eye-opener. I only managed to catch one episode, which happened to be the last one.

It was about this lady who’s been divorced twice but doesn’t give up her search for the perfect man. She finally fell in love with a man, also divorced.

However, her good friend and even the man’s ex-wife advised her not to marry him. They warned that he’s a womanizer and that he could turn abusive. But she turned a deaf ear on them and chose to follow her heart instead.

However, just a few weeks before the wedding, she started to have doubts about him. But by then, all the wedding invites were sent out and in her opinion, it was simply too late to back out. So she proceeded with the wedding any way, praying that she had been wrong to doubt him.

Sadly, just three days after the wedding, he started not coming home, preferring to keep himself busy in the company of other women. When his friends reminded him that he was married, he replied something along the lines of:

“I get married so that I do not have to commit a sin. Having a wife means you can have ‘it’ anytime you want, without resorting to visits to back alleys. A wife saves you costs.”

While I was disgusted with that notion, at the back of my mind, it was just an actor delivering his lines.

Nothing beats the disgust of hearing the actual words from a man himself.
N o t h i n g .

Food for thought:
We often wonder if we're marrying for the wrong reasons.
But how often do we wonder if the man isn't marrying for the wrong reason?

So I shall quote this from Mahligai Kaca which I think is very true:

"It's easy to find a man, but it’s not easy to find a husband.”

all about signs

Taken from the shoppinglifestyle.com's article:

5 Body Language Clues He (Definitely) Likes You

SIGN #1: He flashes his brows and smiles when he sees you.

Body Language Decoder: Raised brows signal attraction: It's the universal sign of interest and it exists in every culture. In fact, some experts think it's the most recognized non-verbal sign of greeting used by humans. When we're attracted to someone, our eyebrows rise and fall subconsciously. And when the other person is similarly attracted, they raise their brows and smile in return. The whole exchange lasts less than a second, though, so it can be easy to miss unless you're looking out for it!

Bubble Decoder: So ladies, look out for ziana zain wannabe, in er, a man? Not too sure about this one... I thought the eyebrow raising thing is kinda like a universal gesture of acknowledgment and recognition? Like you see an acquaintance on the streets but he's not close enough for you guys to stop and chat. Cue the eyebrow-raising, with a slight wave of the hand, and walk on by. No? Maybe it's a different arch of the brows that we need to look out for? hmmm

SIGN #2: He points his body towards you.

Body Language Decoder: If he's across the room, take a peek at his hands and feet: We tend to point toward the object of our desire subsciously. When we find someone attractive, we'll often point (with our hands, feet or toes) toward that person. If you're engaging in a conversation with him sitting next to you, it's even easier to tell: If he leans slightly forward and keeps his shoulders and upper body squarely facing you, it shows that he's deeply interested in you and what you have to say.

Bubble Decoder: I read about how you will lean towards someone if you're interested in him, I guess it works both ways too. Just as long as he's not too close to encroach into my personal space, I'm fine :)

SIGN #3: He gazes at your lips while you're talking.

Body Language Decoder: Our eyes have a body language all their own. A major telltale sign of how we feel about someone is our gazing pattern: When we look at acquaintances, like at business meetings, we keep our gazes at eye-level, focusing on the other person's eyes and the bridge of the nose. With friends or someone we like, we hold our eye contact longer than usual and our gaze moves down to include the nose and mouth. And if he's romantically drawn to you, the look can further drop down to include parts of your body like the neck or shoulders. This type of intimate gaze conveys interest. It's as if he can't resist caressing the rest of your face and hair with his eyes, or he's imagining what it feels like to kiss you on the lips.

Bubble Decoder: This could be a lil creepy, depending on where he's looking. It'd better be above the neck...

SIGN #4: His pupils widen and he blinks more when looking at you.

Body Language Decoder: The size of our pupils adjusts according to two things: Light and attraction. It's a biological reaction we cannot control. Secretly compare his pupils and another person's (like your girlfriend if she's sitting beside you) in the same surroundings. If we're looking at a person we like, our pupils will dilate, so will our blink rate. The reason: When we're excited, our body releases more adrenaline which results in dilated pupils and faster blinks – the same physiological process that makes our heart pump faster and our knees weak!

Bubble Decoder: Wah, this is a tough one... how the heck am i gonna compare it someone else's? Or take a pic of him gazing? Definite no-no for men with nervous eyes :P

SIGN #5: He laughs at just about everything you say.

Body Language Decoder: If his eyebrows remain slightly raised while you're talking, it signals that he finds you fascinating. Another obvious sign that he likes you a lot: He nods, smiles, laughs and agrees with just about everything you say, including the silly stuff. He's not just being cordial – he's genuinely happy to be with you!

Bubble Decoder: aaww, i want a yes-man too!

so there you go, jaded. hope this helps you a bit. not sure if these are all true, i guess the only way is to ask a male friend or our male readers (are there any left??).

if all else fails, i think you should just follow your gut and women's intuition. if a guy is giving mixed signals and i cant read them, then i'd assume he's stringing me along.

love advice from a man

was surfing around and stumbled upon this on dailycandy.com. the lone male editor of this online mag answers some of the most frequently asked qns we ladies ask...

Q: Brains or beauty? Really?
A: Say the following sentence aloud:

I met a guy last night, and he is sooo hot!

Now say this one:

I met a guy last night, and he is sooo smart!

Which one sounds more accurate?

barren: hey, i'd swoon over a smart guy too! single ones are rare species y'know...

Q: How do I move on after a breakup in the least painful way?
A: I’m not saying you should fool around with a bunch of men, but if your mom were to call up and advise you to fool around with a bunch of men, I’d say listen to your mother.

barren: ok, my momma would never say that. but i always say, the best way to get over a man is in the arms of another. rebound does work in some cases!

Q: How early can you sleep with a guy without being considered a whore?
A: 6 a.m.

Q: My boyfriend said he would prefer that I dress sluttier. He didn’t go in to detail. What exactly does he mean?
A: Assuming your boyfriend doesn’t want you to dress like a hooker, I would guess that by “sluttier,” he means sexier. Meaning, the next time you try something on and think, “I’m too old to wear this,” that is exactly what he wants you to wear. The next time he takes you on a date, surprise him with a short skirt, low-cut top, and a thesaurus.

Q: What does it mean when a guy doesn’t call you the next day after you spend the night with him for the first time?
A: It can mean any number of things: that he lost your phone number, that he was in a tragic skiing accident, or that the experience of being with you was so emotionally overwhelming that he needs an entire 24 hours to compose himself. But usually it means he’s too busy carving a notch in his bedpost to get to the phone.

barren: lol! one of the major failings of us girls is that we give the guy too much credit!

Q: My boyfriend treats me well, includes me in everything, and is a great guy. But after one year of dating, he refuses to tell me he loves me. I am starting to feel very insecure.
A: The use of the L-bomb is entirely subjective.

barren: a totally guy answer. tsk tsk.

Q: Are men truly intimidated by smart, successful women, or is that just something unattractive girls tell themselves to make them feel better about being single?
A: Let’s just say that there aren’t that many smart, successful, really friggin’ hot women filling up the singles mixers.

Q: Why do guys say, “I’ll call you,” when they know they have no intention of ever calling? Why don’t they have the balls to just say, “Had fun, but I don’t think we should do this again”?
A: For the same reason you say it’s no big deal when your boyfriend says a skirt doesn’t look good on you, when in reality you die a little inside. It’s just easier that way. Do yourself a favor and, when a guy leaves after saying he’ll call, automatically assume he gets hit by a truck. That way if he calls you, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

barren: mental note: remember to assume my date is dead if he doesnt call.

Q: Why is it that guys act attentive and then suddenly, without reason, disappear and become totally unreachable?
A: Sounds like you’ve fallen for the oldest trick in the book – it’s called dating. For weeks on end a man will be very nice to you (dinners, movies, midpriced wine) until he realizes he doesn’t like you after all, at which point he will vanish. Either that, or you’ve been unknowingly dating international spies.

barren: lotsa james bond wannabes in my dating list...

Q: My boyfriend and I just broke up. I want to start dating again, but most of my friends are partnered up, and I don’t go out to the bars a ton anymore. Any suggestions?
A: Do what most guys do: Treat every possible destination (the grocery store, public transportation, elevators) as a place to find love. Soon you’ll be so fed up that bars will be fun again.

Q: My ex-boyfriend drunk texts me at 2 a.m. saying he wants to meet up for drinks to celebrate his birthday. The next day I reply saying, “Sure let me know when and where.” But then he replies that he’s still recovering from too much birthday celebration. What gives?
A: I stopped reading at “the next day,” and I’m assuming he did, too.

Q: Does putting out on the first date pretty much guarantee that the relationship will never be anything serious?
A: No, but it does guarantee that everyone had a good time.

Q: Should you keep in contact with an ex-boyfriend after he breaks up with you?
A: Do you keep in touch with old bosses after they fire you?

barren: i do! for both the ex AND the bosses. lol

Q: Why can’t I find Mr. Right? I’m a single, attractive physician who just turned 30, and I can’t even seem to find a date, let alone make a relationship work! What on earth am I doing wrong?
A: First of all, stop talking about Twilight. We don’t understand it, nor do we want to. Second, stop looking for Mr. Right and just settle for Mr. Good in Bed or Mr. Does My Taxes or Mr. Cooks Me Dinner. It’s not lowering your standards; it’s raising your limitations.

barren: mr cooks me dinner sounds like a great potential candidate...

man's biggest secret

Recently, I was enlightened by the discovery of a little known fact. Someone told me that from reading this blog, he realised that men’s dating experiences and thought processes are not much different from us girls’.

I find it hard to believe, but there you have it, coming straight from the (male) horse’s mouth.

"The fact is that we men are less reluctant to express ourselves… but still feel the same emotions as any other woman. They do think much of things. Just tat they don’t show it. I guess tats how men are being built."

So there you go folks. Man’s biggest secret: They are just like us. Maybe they do post-mortem on their dates. Maybe they are just as insecure about us as we are about them. And they find us hard to decipher.

But the difference is this – even though they think like us, they don’t act the same. They are not likely to express what they’re thinking, or discuss their dates with their mates or jot them down in a public space like this :)

To me, this is one of the most frustrating attributes of the male species. Why can’t they express themselves more? Or say what they feel? I’ve always felt that honesty is the way to go to make any relationship work. So how will it work when one party doesn’t say what’s going on in their heads?

This was one of the main causes of many recurring fights I had with my partner before. We can’t possibly live like that all our lives can we? It’s not healthy when such genetic differences get in the way of a relationship.

I lamented on how guys seem more attentive and are more likely to share their emotions when they first get to know us girls. After the courtship is over, they tend to get lazy and not be as expressive as the first few months.

His take on men being less attentive after courtship is this… the concept of love in a man is very simple. Man loves woman and decides to be with her. To a man...that’s the ultimate declaration of his love. He doesn’t have to express anything else after that.

Ok. That’s discovery no. 2 for me. So since we can’t change the way the male brain works (and god knows how hard we’ve tried), what to do?

His solution is that each gender must understand the psyche of one another. It’s not just about fitting the bill or finding the perfect partner. It’s the ability to be comfortable with each other's psyche… It’s a feeling, not an action.

I guess that’s compromise at the very top level. Whoever you end up with, you have to understand that guys are built differently from us. But I think it’s much easier to compromise if you’re with someone you love in the 1^st place. If not, it’s going to be the hardest relationship ever.

I think the underlying lesson my companion was telling me was this:

There is no point in blaming or finding fault in all the men that we dated, coz ultimately, men are built differently.

Perhaps the reason I’m still single and searching is because of my mindset.

I could either wait (possibly a long, long one) for the right kind of guy to come along. Or I could have a mindset change, a paradigm shift, or perception management, if you can call it that.

Once I accept the fact that very few men are going to pour out their heart and soul to me, maybe it’ll be easier to be with a man of very few words.

We’ll see about that. Stay tuned for updates of my date with The One Who Had Little to Say.

p/s: thanks to the guy with whom i had this interesting conversation with. but if i had misrepresented what you said in any way or left anything out, please feel free to make it right :)

confessions of a metro man

my interview with the metrosexual man (MetroMan).

a little background info... MetroMan enjoys the company of the fairer sex, he enjoys making them comfy. But MetroMan has a dark secret. He's selfish and can't bring himself to commit for fear of becoming like the "bapak-bapak" types such as his frens who got hitched.

Metroman's weakness is the hot model type woman; his diction goes weak in their presence and is reduced to what i think is akin to the Caveman. He mumbles & grunts. I've seen myself a few of these specimen that MetroMan is attracted to. ok la. Gruntworthy.

When he goes on dates, MetroMan is polite to no end, even if he finds that they talk too much, are too short or too boring. The ladies will ask for seconds, but MetroMan always has some reason... usually very believable but made-up and delivered in a politically-correct and gentlemanly way, always, of course.

A summary of what MetroMan wants?

Manicured & mischievious, organised & outgoing, sassy & smart, and HOT. His M.O.S.H rule.

Well, if this is what most metro men go for, no wonder i'm still single.