teenage love affair

contributed by one of our readers, anonymous heart

I was fourteen. Young, naïve, and juvenile. All I wanted was an older boyfriend. Of course I needed to have an older boyfriend. All my friends had boyfriends who were older than them – and at that time, I thought it was “cool”.

My self-esteem was at an all-time low. Compared to my friends, I had no admirers chasing after me, asking for my number or just wanting to get to know me. I was the “ugliest” lot amongst my four best friends. My hair was thick and there’s nothing attractive about my facial features. I had bee-stung lips (and I still do now) and people say I was way too skinny for their liking. Walking skeleton, some might say.

Quoting from a popular girl in my class, “Guys like girls with some junk in the trunk.” (read: big boobs, ogle-worthy derriere, curvaceous silhouette) Obviously I didn’t fit into that category. I was flat-chested and I still wore a training bra. Oh well. No one will ever like me, I thought to myself.

Then entered Syam, a handsome and tall 20 year old whom I met through a mutual friend. I was attracted to him the moment this mutual friend introduced us to each other. What’s not to like about him? He’s

1. good-looking even though he’s donning nerdy spectacles
2. taller than me (though I’m not so tall myself. But guys like girls shorter and smaller than them, right?)
3. 6 years older than me (hello? I need to have somebody older than me, not the same age as me)

I was beyond ecstatic when Syam text-messaged me, saying that he would like to get to know me better. I already envisioned of us holding hands by the beach as a couple. I know. Far-fetched.

One thing led to another. And the next thing I knew, Syam expressed his feelings for me and would like to “propose” me to be his dearly girlfriend. I was on cloud nine.

Yay! I have got a boyfriend now! I smiled to myself. It felt good showing him off to my friends. Every time he fetched me, waiting for me at the void deck near my school, I felt really special. Now all my school mates who dubbed me as “not pretty” will know that I do have a boyfriend after all. Older boyfriend. It made me feel like I am a mature individual already.

One Sunday afternoon, we were eating Mee Soto at Ayer Rajah Food Centre with his friend Fazlee and Fazlee’s girlfriend, Seri. (Ever since I officially became Syam’s girlfriend, we frequently hung out with Fazlee and Seri. So-called double date). While eating, Syam rummaged through his sling bag and took out the set of photos that he just retrieved from a photo developing shop this morning. It was his Hari Raya pictures. His family and him. There he was. Standing beside his mother, who was seated beside his father. His sisters were standing behind their parents and there was a cute baby in his mother’s arms.

“Awww…look at your baby brother. How adorable! He looks just like you,” I purred.

“How old is he? There must be a huge difference in your age gap lah!” I added. Syam just kept silent for a few moments while I browsed through his set of pictures.

“Actually… That little boy is my son,” Syam finally voiced out.

What??!! I stared at him, flabbergasted. Turns out that it was his lovechild with his previous girlfriend. Apparently his ex-girlfriend didn’t want to take care of their child after giving birth. Syam had no choice but to take care of the baby (or rather, Syam’s mother).

It was a shocking truth for a fourteen-year-old like me to handle. This was my first real boyfriend for goodness sake. After his so-called confession, things were definitely different between us.

He even asked me, “Will you still accept me? With my son? Are you willing to be his step-mother?”

I was like, woah. Hang in there boy. I’m just fourteen, still young and carefree, our relationship are still considered new. I didn’t even know if I even want to marry you in the future. I mean, I like you very much and all (like, not love yet), but let’s take things one step at a time. So I just plastered a fake smile on my face.

Few weeks went by. We began to see each other less frequently – to a point where he didn’t call or message me at all. I called and left him dozens of messages, but to no avail.

What happened to him? My little heart wondered.That was when I received a text-message from him. Speaking of the devil, I thought.

Syam: For these past few days when I didn’t sms you, I’ve been going through a lot of thinking. My mom is fed up with me because she’s the one who has to take care of my son, not me. Two days ago my parents went to my ex’s place to meet with her parents. They want us to get married.

Right. This was a hint for me to go. I’m not going to be the third wheel in someone’s marriage (or someone who’s about to get married). Right on that moment I told him that I like him and everything, but we have to end our relationship there and then. I was furious with him for being such a coward. Why did he have to avoid me before telling me the reason for his silence? And break-up over the phone? He’s not a man enough to see me face-to-face. Jerk.

Of course when I think back, How silly of me. Maybe he was just finding a reason to dump me, so he cooked up a very big lie just to get rid of me. But now, it doesn’t matter. It’s from these experience that we learnt, and it made us a stronger person than we were before. I’m glad this happened, by the way. If I’m still stuck with that joker, I think I won’t be happy and I would be deceived by all his stupid lies.

Now, when I saw young schoolgirls displaying public displays of affection with their older boyfriends (I can tell because the girl is wearing her secondary school uniform and the boy is wearing his ITE uniform), I smiled to myself. I was in their position before. So naïve and yet so desperate to have a boyfriend, being intimate in public, ignoring the disapproving glances from passers-by… I cringed at the thought of that.

Well readers. That was my story. About a young teenage love experienced by yours truly.

Hope the intricate details will make you feel as if you’re in my shoes while reading it. And oh. All the names have been changed to protect every stakeholder’s confidentiality.

I must forget

slightly past a year
but it seemed as clear
as yesterday...
yesterday...

Everything simply flooded back to me...
The scenes, the emotions, the words...
Couldn't hold back negative thoughts.
I knew I shouldn't be thinking them but I couldn't help myself.
The more I tried to control them, the wilder they became.
It was awful.

I felt awful.

top 5 of 2009

1. When I say never, always or forever, it rarely works out.
Lesson learnt: Never say never.

2. When I have notions of the future in my head, they almost never come true (for eg imagining how my wedding or future house is like. HAHA!).
Lesson learnt: Stop daydreaming!

3. Things happen when I least expect it. It applies for the good and the bad.
Lesson learnt: Never let my guard down and always expect the worst. (oops, broke lesson #1!). Lemme rephrase that to: go in with zero expectations but don’t lose faith in people and that things could be better. A bit tricky to do, and still trying to strike a balance here.

4. I tend to second guess myself after a decision is made. And more often than not, it’s too late to make amends or change my choice when I do change my mind afterwards.
Lesson learnt: Think before I speak. After that, think twice. And don’t shoot my mouth off.

5. What one consider to be honesty may be taken as inconsiderate and insensitive by others.
Lesson learnt: Refer to #4.

i'm not one for new year resolutions, and it IS a bit late now. but hopefully, by putting these down, i will be constantly reminded to be wiser in my choices.

happy bubbleday!

Yes, we’re officially ONE today!

Gosh, it just seemed like yesterday when bh, ph and I were chilling out at macs just lamenting about our lives. (errr… ok, that doesn’t sound too good)

But we were hardly sobbing. That’s the thing I love about my fellow hearties - we’re always laughing in our laments! And it was that very session that we started bubbling some ideas about our own space.

I loved that session, I loved our ideas and that motivated this very blog.

We started off as just the three of us, wondering, pondering and reflecting… Will we all find love and settle down in future? Well, we can never know what lies ahead for us, but it’s been a year and it’s definitely good to know that we’re not alone :)

Thank you all readers and contributors. Happy Holidays!




PS: Sorry hearties for disappearing. I just needed to get myself away from the world I knew for a while. So I did and now I’m back and feeling better. bh, you did an awesome job manning the blog all by yourself! *hugs

hi, my name is…

Chuck. Good Luck Chuck.

I swear it’s true. For those who don’t know, Good Luck Chuck is a movie about this guy who thinks he's cursed, coz after a girl sleeps with him, she finds the true love of her life and gets married.

There were a few instances where I ‘turned down’ a guy (not sleep with him!), and he’ll hook up in no time, and more often than not… they’ll get married!

For example:

Specimen 1: Mr F

Time: Circa early 2007

Synopsis: Met Mr F in late 2006, hit it off really well but we kept things casual and didn’t want to rush things. Around Dec, my ex made a proposal (as in suggestion, not the on-one-bended-knee kind) for us to try again. I faltered for a moment and told Mr F i’m considering the ex. Disappointed, he went off to get married within months.

Specimen 2: The Ex

Time: Still early 2007

Synopsis: After Mr F got hitched, I was kinda upset. Even though Mr F was no longer in the picture, I still couldn’t give my heart completely yet (yeah, I’m fickle like that). I asked for more time, which unfortunately, during that time, he met someone else. They tied the knot about a year later.

Specimen 3: The one who made me go hmmm

Time: Last month

Synopsis: An update on that entry. It turned out all that he was considering us getting together, which explained all that weird actions. To cut things short, I kinda blew him off initially. After thinking things over, I told him that we could give it a shot. But what’s done is done, and I couldn’t take back what I said before. He was in a depressed, suicidal mood just 2 weeks ago, telling me about how it’s hopeless coz he doesn’t think he can find someone now. But just a few days ago on facebook, I saw that his relationship status has changed! It’s someone he knew from childhood apparently.

So there you go. These are just the main ones I highlighted. There were a few others that I dated briefly who also got married to the next girl they dated.

Coincidence?

Of course la! I don’t believe I have such a curse (or gift, depending on how you see it. heh). It’s just uncanny, don’t you think?

the test

We often hear ppl say that the course of true love never runs smooth. And that you have to overcome obstacles before you find bliss at the end of the line. That hardships will give way to happiness eventually. That if we just hold on and persevere, we shall be rewarded with a love that stood the test of time and troubled waters, making it that much sweeter.

On the other hand, I’ve been personally told that if the person is not right for you, then some sort of higher power will not make that path easy for you. That we should take these obstacles as ‘signs’ that things are not meant to be. Cos if he’s the right person for you, the road wouldn’t be paved with endless problems.

So which is which? Someone said that if you’re meant to be with someone, there are bound to be obstacles but you will eventually come out of them or are able to solve them together, making your relationship stronger.

So we must figure out if these obstacles are ‘solvable’ or not, to determine if we should hold on or let go?

I never found out. But let go anyway.

How about you?

L-O-V-E (part II)

The following was a comment contributed by our reader, Vanilla, in response to plastered heart's post. We felt and thought (no heart and mind battle there!) that it deserves its own published space. :)


L-O-V-E, oh what do we all know about it, right?
It comes in different shapes, forms, sizes, colours, smiles, prayers, kisses, words, almost anything you can imagine. I've concluded for myself, to love is not to reason. And love never really has a reason. When we love something or someone, we just do. We don't need reason to love, nor does love need any reason. It's a feeling. It's here (touches the heart).

Somewhere in this process, the mind suddenly reappears to remind you - 'hey you, don't forget me!'. And there you go - we start to justify or give explanations to certain things which never did require any of those. When we need to rationalise love, then at best what we can have is a relationship. Someone once shared this previous line with me, till today it's tattooed in me.

I guess, it's a habit to think after we feel. Sometimes that spoils the pure beauty of a simple sensation called 'F-E-E-L'. Special things behold unexplainable understanding. Sometimes the tendency to think too much is pretty high on the scale, then it becomes a bloody pain and a tumour at the back of our mind. So I quit thinking when i'm feeling, especially when in love, still loving or loved before. It never made any sense in the first place.

I thought I could rationalise so that I know how to justify what I'm doing or why I'm feeling this and that. Is it because of hidden insecurity, just a habit or guilt of not using the brain, or whatever it may be - I gave up, it doesn't matter.

So some will say, I'm being naive or don't be stupid by letting your emotions get over you, and be driven to a state madness. Some will say, love is blind or love only sees what it wants to see. Sometimes, it's darn tiring to always hear what others have to say. Well, I've learnt and want to trust my heart. If it fails me, so be it. Get up and walk again. And, I don't mean to completely leave behind the mind totally, of course.

Now now now, Hearties, this perpetual war between mind and heart; reasoning and feeling; logic and sense, rationale and baseless; and what-have-you, shall be a whole lifetime affair it seems! I may have been through the thickest of such battle that it almost drove me completely nuts, it bashes me to the bone, and gooossshhhh I was like the world's most miserable-looking-thing! I'm better now (or so i believe). It can be depressing because you're constantly fighting with that inner voice of both the heart and mind.

Can u imagine when two voices are trying to compete for your attention at the same time, and justifying to you why one is superior than the other? It's insane!

Try listening to 'Have You Ever Been in Love' by Celine Dion.

I love it.

conditions of love

"we particularly relish in the other precisely the qualities that we lack ourselves. it would be absurd to crave what you already possess. in loving the other, we can come by to possess these qualities."

while i was cleaning out my closet yesterday, i came across this old diary i kept. one entry dated 21 nov 04 had a few quotes from this book conditions of love, by john armstrong. i remember reading it a few days after i broke up. it was a time of loss and trying to come to terms with what just happened, what went wrong. i guess i was trying to get some answers from this thin paperback from borders. hah.

the reason i jotted this quote down was coz reading it made me realise how true it is (for my case, at least). even now, as i reflect back on the guys i liked after 2004, it's still true.

the attributes that attract me to the guys i like are those that i dun possess myself. we love someone in the hope that what we love in them will rub on us, somehow. i think it makes sense, just that we dont do it consciously, just on a subconscious level.

say, my first ex... he's confident, speaks and writes well, a literary whiz to my then-17 year old self. one of the first things i loved about him was that he had a way with words, which i was (and still) a sucker for. it is what i aspire to be, so it could be one of the factors that made me fall in love then.

more recently, a co-worker i have a teeny crush on. he's my age, and yet he's already a manager, handling huge projects and with a team under him. on top of that, he has his own little entertainment company that he manages at night, something that he does simply coz he loves it. his passion to work and play just as hard is what i like about him, coz maybe im not someone whos so driven like him. of coz, he's kinda cute too :P

another one is this guy i met 3 yrs ago. he's one adventurous bugger, the kind who cant sit still and needs his adrenaline fix all the time. he regaled to me his dirt biking days, the times he went camping outdoors, cycling all around singapore, riding out to malaysia every other week, and how he's taken probably 20 part time jobs in his youth... as i sat there open-mouthed at how much he's done. again, it just amazes me how passionate and driven someone can be, something that's almost alien to one who's in a constant state of inertia as me :)

anyway, this could only be true for me, i dunno.

why not you guys reflect on this and tell me if it's the same for you.

doormat. definitely.

why do men love bitches?

apparently, i'm not the only asking coz there's a book with that title. which i'm reading now.

before i go on, let me give you the definition of a bitch in this book. (please retract your claws now, all you real biatches reading this. thankyou.)

here, bitch doesn't mean 1) a female dog or female species of any canine or 2) a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, esp. a woman.

it just refers to a woman who stands her ground in a relationship, someone not afraid to voice her opinions when the situation calls for it and one who wont compromise the most important thing, her dignity and self-respect, for any man.

this lady has that je ne sais quoi, translating to 'i don't know what.' basically it's that something special that men cant seem to put their finger on, but are drawn to nonetheless.

it's not about looks; gorgeous women get dumped and end up with jerks too.
it's not about intelligence; even the not-so-smarts are known to possess this quality.

so what is this attribute? it is a woman that's comfortable in her own skin.

the opposite of the bitch is... the 'nice girl', or a less pleasant term used in the book, a doormat.

she's described as one who gives everything blindly to a man (even when they just get into a rship), because she wants so much for her actions to be reciprocated. she's the one who goes along with what she thinks her man will like or want because she wants to keep him at all cost.

to further explain the difference between the two, here are some case scenarios:

#1 He calls you and expects you to be at home
the nice girl will let the guy know she's leaving, where she'll be and wat time she'll be back
the bitch lets him think about where she is now and then. no 'reporting strength' here :P

#2 He says he'll call at ard a certain time. the call is 4 hours late
the nice girl yells at him and says she's worried, "you should have called!!"
the bitch isnt so easily upset, so she's harder to read. even if he does call, she may not even pick up the phone

#3 He seems withdrawn, pensive, nt particularly talkative
the nice girl continually pesters him and asks, "what are you thinking about?" she's worried he's pulling away from her.
the bitch is in her own thoughts, she doesn't panic, which makes him come her way.

#4 He is late for a date and keeps her waiting
the nice girl waits, calls him incessantly and tells him that he should 'value her more'
the bitch waits for half an hour, then make other plans

going back to the main question here, why are men so attracted to bitches? the difference here isn't so much about how you treat the guy. it's how you treat yourself. we may think that by giving a man extra tender, loving care, he will stay by your side. but mostly, that's not always enough. for most men, it'll make them run away even, especially if you give too much in the beginning.

let's face it. men love the thrill of the chase. if someone comes across as too 'easy' for them, they lose interest quickly. but when he sees you as a mental challenge, his interest is piqued and he'll try harder to get you. even after he gets the girl, he'll treasure her more. after all, he did have to put up a fight to get to where he is. imagine a child who's given a shiny new toy for christmas as opposed to one he bought himself after saving up for months. which do you think he'd treasure more? :)

in case you're wondering which one you are, they even had an "are you too nice" quiz. a test in which i failed miserably. lol! i shan't pose the questions here, you go read it yourself if you're interested :P

but here are 10 characteristics of the bitch mentioned in the book, where you may ascertain for yourself whether you are one or the other :)

1. she maintains her independence - she earns her keeps, not depending on her man or with her hand out to anyone.

2. she doesnt pursue him - the moon, the sun and the stars don't revolve ard him. she doesn't chase or keep tabs on him, he is NOT the centre of the world.

3. she is mysterious - this isn't about being dishonest. she doesnt lie but she doesnt reveal everything and wont put her cards on the table too soon. familiarity breeds contempt and predictability breeds boredom.

4. she leaves him wanting - she doesnt see him every night or leave him long messages. shes not always available to him, which leaves him to long for her.

5. she doesnt let him see her sweat - she avoids communication when upset. she clears her head first, making sure shes rational and speaks in a "bottom line" way.

6. she remains in control of her time - she takes it slow, especially when he wants to hurry. all in her time, preventing him from controlling her.

7. she maintains a sense of humour - this lets him now shes detached. but she doesnt treat disrespect as a laughing matter.

8. she places a high value on herself - she appreciates a compliment. she doesnt ask what his ex looked like or compare herself to other women.

9. she is passionate about something other than him - when he feels that he's not the "be all and end all" of her existence, it makes her more desirable. and staying busy ensures she isnt resentful when he's unavailable.

10. she treats her body like a finely tuned machine - she maintains her appearance and health. a person's self-respect is reflected on how she maintains her image. if he tells her he doesnt like red lipstick, she wears it anyway, coz it makes her feel good.

bitch or doormat, i think the above is pretty solid advice for any woman to take, whether she is single or attached; seeking for love or not.

the first man in my life

If there were any truth to my friends’ comments that I sometimes think like a man, I only have one person to attribute it to – my dad.

I love my dad. I honestly do. But I’m also declaring this cos I’m certain he can’t read this. Gosh, if he could, I know he’d be reacting awkwardly and uncomfortably, and so would I.

Dad is really one tough shell that’s hard to crack, but when you do (after a lot of patience), you’ll be surprised to discover tenderness and warmth.

In fact, his act of love is sometimes beyond the ordinary. This was the man who loves children but did not even carry any of his own when they were babies cos he didn't want them to be too emotionally attached to him. All because he truly believed back then that he would die young.

There was a time when I would always become the mediator between him and Mum. I was told that he harbours a soft spot for me. I don’t know why… perhaps he somehow could see himself in me (albeit a much diluted version heh).

In turn, as I grew up and learnt more about Dad, I saw in him, the same characteristics I would love to see in my own man.

Dad had always been some sort of a rebel since his youth. Based on his early corporate days, I can’t decide if he was popular or notorious. His confidence hardly wavers when he’s stating his opinions, even in the face of those older than he is. It amazes me that he can be defiant yet respectful towards elderly.

He is smart and cunning (in a positive way, of course, lol), capable at making things fall into place. He always enjoys a good debate and exchange of ideas. And he is principled, unafraid to stand up for his family and what he believes in.

I love his creativity and rationality, how he’s objective and focused in solving a problem either through his own devised strategies or based on sound investigation. I must add, though that he’s been showing more of his emotional side in recent years.

He knows what he wants and how to get it. In the old days Mum had no lack of suitors and when Dad heard that someone was going to propose to her, he swiftly asked for her hand in marriage days earlier. Haha what a hoot! I imagined it must've been romantic.

But I must confess that though I would love to see comparable qualities in my own man… I know those same qualities come with unfavourable “side effects”.

Dad’s confidence is flanked with ego, chauvinism and impatience I could never fathom.

I’ve never told anyone this. But one memory that I had since I was a child is so vivid that I suspect it had a profound effect on me.

I was young and hardly ever saw my parents in the days and nights. Sometimes I’d stay up really late just to have a glimpse of their faces. Other times when I’d succumb to sleep, I’d wake up real early just so I could catch them before they left home.

But one time, I woke up to hear Dad’s loud booming voice. Mum was equally loud and defiant. My parents were quarrelling in their room and it certainly was not pleasant to a young child.

And I think maybe… just maybe… a voice inside my head whispered to me… “I don’t want an angry man.”

That was a conclusion of six-year-old me.

Now, at twenty-seven, I have learnt to view things in a different perspective in an effort to see the bigger picture cos a good relationship is not unlike a jigsaw puzzle where two very different pieces fit perfectly together.

Instead of wondering half the time how Mum could tolerate Dad's temper, I started to observe... and I discovered that similarities need not necessarily give couples common ground cos they brought my parents clashes as much as differences did. Instead of worrying if they were ever gonna split up, I looked at how the marriage had lasted. I'm happy to say that while my parents still quarrel like any other couple, it was never in the same way again, thank goodness.

The adult me has observed that a lot of times we are so certain about the qualities we do or do not want to see in a partner that we forget to envision how the same qualities can make us stronger or weaker as a person.

So a tip I gathered... before we can find a partner that best compliment our own qualities, we’ve got to understand ourselves well first.

And so the first man in my life has taught me a lot of things.

Happy Dads' Day :)

man's biggest secret

Recently, I was enlightened by the discovery of a little known fact. Someone told me that from reading this blog, he realised that men’s dating experiences and thought processes are not much different from us girls’.

I find it hard to believe, but there you have it, coming straight from the (male) horse’s mouth.

"The fact is that we men are less reluctant to express ourselves… but still feel the same emotions as any other woman. They do think much of things. Just tat they don’t show it. I guess tats how men are being built."

So there you go folks. Man’s biggest secret: They are just like us. Maybe they do post-mortem on their dates. Maybe they are just as insecure about us as we are about them. And they find us hard to decipher.

But the difference is this – even though they think like us, they don’t act the same. They are not likely to express what they’re thinking, or discuss their dates with their mates or jot them down in a public space like this :)

To me, this is one of the most frustrating attributes of the male species. Why can’t they express themselves more? Or say what they feel? I’ve always felt that honesty is the way to go to make any relationship work. So how will it work when one party doesn’t say what’s going on in their heads?

This was one of the main causes of many recurring fights I had with my partner before. We can’t possibly live like that all our lives can we? It’s not healthy when such genetic differences get in the way of a relationship.

I lamented on how guys seem more attentive and are more likely to share their emotions when they first get to know us girls. After the courtship is over, they tend to get lazy and not be as expressive as the first few months.

His take on men being less attentive after courtship is this… the concept of love in a man is very simple. Man loves woman and decides to be with her. To a man...that’s the ultimate declaration of his love. He doesn’t have to express anything else after that.

Ok. That’s discovery no. 2 for me. So since we can’t change the way the male brain works (and god knows how hard we’ve tried), what to do?

His solution is that each gender must understand the psyche of one another. It’s not just about fitting the bill or finding the perfect partner. It’s the ability to be comfortable with each other's psyche… It’s a feeling, not an action.

I guess that’s compromise at the very top level. Whoever you end up with, you have to understand that guys are built differently from us. But I think it’s much easier to compromise if you’re with someone you love in the 1^st place. If not, it’s going to be the hardest relationship ever.

I think the underlying lesson my companion was telling me was this:

There is no point in blaming or finding fault in all the men that we dated, coz ultimately, men are built differently.

Perhaps the reason I’m still single and searching is because of my mindset.

I could either wait (possibly a long, long one) for the right kind of guy to come along. Or I could have a mindset change, a paradigm shift, or perception management, if you can call it that.

Once I accept the fact that very few men are going to pour out their heart and soul to me, maybe it’ll be easier to be with a man of very few words.

We’ll see about that. Stay tuned for updates of my date with The One Who Had Little to Say.

p/s: thanks to the guy with whom i had this interesting conversation with. but if i had misrepresented what you said in any way or left anything out, please feel free to make it right :)

juice spreader

The other day I received an sms from a close relative. She was asking me about a recent unfortunate event with regards to my love life. She was concerned about my well being of course, but I was too stunned to feel the slightest appreciation.

How the hell did she know? It was something very personal to me. Although it wasn't something wrongly committed by me, it was something private I had been guarding fiercely and only managed to share with a few of my very close friends.

How the hell did she know? I felt so exposed.

My mind whirled, tracing and mapping the links. I was so pissed! I had been so careful in controlling and containing the secret and pain but it slipped my mind that I was not and could not oversee the other party’s management of the event that had taken place.

It didn’t take me long to identify the source, the common place. Horror hits me when I realised I had also roped in a business associate to use the services of the same place. And that business associate is close to another friend of mine who’s not exactly the best guardian of secrets.

Shoot.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised if the rest in the clique knows about it too.

Was that why they were wondering how "I've been doing" more frequently?

Was that why they had then ‘considerately’ left me out of certain sensitive topics at our last gathering? Honestly, I was relieved at the time, but was that because they knew?

Sigh... I swear if the H1N1 could spread like any juicy news or rumour, the human race would be defeated.

L-O-V-E

When love is involved, which should you follow, your mind or your heart? Which one should rule? Or should it be synergised? Why is love also known as “matters of the heart”? Why is it that when love is involved, the mind becomes blinded? I think love is just unexplainable. Maybe this is why the very same love that could make you very happy could also make you miserable. I’m not just talking about feelings of love for another person, but it could also perhaps love of other things i.e. maybe bags etc but then that should be in a shopaholic themed blog. Just a random thought of mine...

the one about the crush (part iii)

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

M and I exchanged numbers in one of our chats. But we never progressed to chatting on the phone. If I remember correctly, he called once on the pretext that his University mate was looking for a tutor for the cousin or something and he had passed on his phone to his friend and I had passed my phone to my friend. Very silly right? LOL

We only SMSed Hari Raya and birthday wishes.

When M entered University, he was so preoccupied with his new routine that I rarely saw him on msn. Our usual chats died down and the only thing that kept our virtual friendship going were occasional emails. Each time I decided that it’s time to forget M, he’d pop back into my life.

Meanwhile, I was an avid blogger on Multiply and each time I blogged about something, he’d receive a copy of my entry. The beauty of Multiply allowed me to know who read my entry and when. But of course the person had to choose to open the email in the first place.

I realized then, that he’d pass on boring titles like "My day at work" and go for titles like "My Date with..." So I couldn’t help but adopt attention-grabbing titles. He was the first to read my entry grousing about my granny (the title had sounded like I was chiding a love interest).

Through that avenue, he managed to find out my birthday. He was 4 days too late but sent an SMS anyway:

M: Happy belated birthday! How, lots of presents? For me I never get any in fact have to give presents on my birthday.

I was pleasantly surprised to get that SMS, quite unexpected because our contact with each other had been sporadic lately.

Anyway being cheeky, I sent a reply:

Me: That’s all? No presents?

He: Yes, there is… A little prayer that you’ll be happy always, dunia & akhirat. (english: in this lifetime and afterlife)

Awwww! Do you guys get how I feel? These are exactly the kind of things that makes me fall deeper and deeper!

By this time, he had completed his degree and was scheduled to train in another country for 2 years.

At that time, he was already drawing his paycheck from his job training. Funnily he liked to withdraw his money at the ATM near my block even though there is one in the one of that central place near his block. And how did I know that? Because I get weird SMSes from him like: Eh still so early how come your kitchen light is on? Langsir dapur lawa sey. (english: Nice kitchen curtains)

How did he know which unit I lived in? I suspected that he had probably had checked it out when he was serving NS at the NPC right about the same time I shifted house. Yea, this naïve girl had disclosed her name then.

Anyway, after he landed a high flying job, our contacts had been very minimal. I no longer have his number after he had gone off to another country to do his training. MSN was our only mode of communication.

It dwindled from occasional chats to just a few liners.

And even when he returned back to Singapore, it seemed that his status on MSN is always OUT FOR LUNCH. Cannot be always out for lunch right?

And after reading Mr Greg Behrendt’s “He’s just not into you” self-help book… Well that’s probably what it was all about - He just wasn’t that into me.

Because let’s face it, he had every chance of asking me out if he wanted to. He can’t be that thick not to know that I have crush on him - after all he’s very intelligent.

So there I had my closure. It had always been a one-sided thing. I had a humongous crush on him but that’s about it.

Up till now I still have not deleted him from my contacts. It’s just a constant reminder of my memories with my dear VERY VIRTUAL friend/crush.

Well nevertheless I hope he is happy always and of course having memories like this is part of the growing up process.



And that my dear hearties, is my story.

I didn’t promise a happy ending now did I?

the one about the crush (part ii)

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

(Actually I forgot to mention, M was able to pinpoint who I was from his patrol rounds was because it was not very common for someone in my area to go to the JC that I was schooling in. It is also mainly due to distance.)

M wasn’t exactly the pin-up guy that I’d drool over but certainly was pleasant looking. Being a ChiLay (mixed ah tu, of course not Chili and Olay LOL), he’s fair skinned. I’m partial to guys who are fair-skinned. But looks wasn't exactly the issue here.

(In response to wondering heart’s comment earlier about him sounding like a sincere guy as he still talked to me after knowing how I looked like… well that’s what attracted me in the first place. I had developed such a huge crush on him without realising.)

We continued chatting because looks wasn’t an issue for me and it seemed, not for him too. But hey, I might have weights issue but I’m gorgeous, lol! He is an interesting character – witty and funny. He was also religious and would advise me when I was whining sometimes. He even offered to lend me a “buku persiapan Umrah” (book on the preparations for Umrah) when he found out that I would be going for my Umrah trip (stupidly I had declined because firstly, I was stupid and secondly, because I had my own guidebook).

Anyway, in my own way, I tested to see if he’d agree to teach my brother tuition for Math. He was a Science student and judging from his Alma Mater, his Math must have been excellent. Apparently, he was in two minds about it… I even told my mom about this friend of mine when my mom was looking for a tutor for my brother. He didn’t take up the offer, though.

But one day, a fire broke out at the flat behind mine… and guess who was on duty that day? M was there in full view, cordoning the area off! He was facing my kitchen so I even called my mom to look. LOL!

So when we were having our normal chat on ICQ…
M: Were you at home last Thursday?
Me: I was out for registering myself at the school.
M: Can’t be out the whole day right?
Me: Oooh…no…in fact I managed to catch the drama unfolding behind my block. There was a fire. Policemen were activated. So many police cars, so many policemen! Some policemen were talking to reporter…and one particular one was cordoning off an area!
M: !!!

I realized then, that M was a shy guy. In fact a senior whom he was acquainted with, whom I sometimes chatted with, also said he was so. Anyway since my mommy knows what he looks like, she saw him when she was buying breakfast one day.

She told me and I asked him… “eh you went that someplace someplace to buy breakfast eh?”
M: Eh how come you never come over and say hi?
Me: I wasn’t even there lorr. I was in Botanical Garden on a field trip. (This is of course the truth)
M: Then how did you know?
Me: My mom saw you.
M: What? Oh no cover blown!
Me: Cover blown over so long already.
M: !!!

In fact, it was always my mom who saw him. And for a few times too! It was like Chinese movie “Turn Left, Turn Right”. There was two occasions that this was so:

1st occasion:
I was supposed to wait for my mom and my sis at an LRT stop. I had alighted at another stop (near his place) and when I called my mom to confirm the meeting point, I walked over to the correct stop. When my mom appeared, she told me: Eh we saw your ‘friend’, he was on the same train as us.

Imagine, if I had stayed at that stop, I might have probably met him there and then!


2nd occasion:
My family had planned a 2nd Umrah trip in 2005. Due to my insistence, because of work-related reasons, the dates were changed from the 2nd of June to a week later. And because of that… I had missed on being on the SAME flight and SAME hotel with M who was doing his Umrah then too. How much coincidence can it get? I got rather embarrassed about this but there and then I had prayed to God to give me a sign. If he was not the one for me, please let me forget about him and have him far away from my mind.

But guess what, just minutes before I was about to leave Mecca, I received an SMS: “Where are you?”

No prizes for guessing who sent it.


To be continued…

the one about the crush

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

Now how do I start?

Let’s just say I was a net addict right from the start… after all towards the new millennium (at that time), Internet was the rage. Even with dial-up internet connection back then, it was really very addictive. I got withdrawal symptoms just by not using the net for a day. That was how bad it was.

mIRC was really the rage then. A/S/L was at the tip of my fingertips. It was fun… to able to hide behind anonymity, talking to many different people… sharing views… getting to know people.

Anyway, what started was… I was with my aunt who wanted to know what IRC was all about. So she sat beside me while I went through the motion. I told her that when a particular nick was highlighted, it meant someone wanted to talk to me. What I didn’t know was, on that same lazy afternoon, I would get to know someone whom I would eventually develop a huge crush on.

Anyway, he (M) seemed to be an uninteresting person at first. But as we chatted more and more, I got more and more interested. Finally, before we ended our chat, we exchanged emails.

What I had uncovered based on that chat was that he was undergoing NS police at that time, was from a different JC but that we basically lived in the same precinct.

I was 17 at that time, naïve, thinking that I could hide behind this anonymous mask that I’ve projected in this virtual world. Of course, despite my naivety, I still had some common sense to not give my full name and number. (but anyway, where got luxury like now - I got my first hdp when I was 20? LOL)

First on IRC, then on ICQ (the consistent eh oh sounds of yesteryears)… I really can’t remember how we switched to ICQ - probably the email bit… but we chatted quite frequently…. I had so much fun talking to him. We’d spent hours online - More so on weekends where I could stay up till 2a.m. sometimes.

So you see throughout my senior year in JC, where I should have paid more attention in my studies, I’ve spent my time on the internet - internet junkie mah… most of the time talking to this policeman conscript (lol).

Turning point came one day... a few months after my A’s. I was waiting for my results then. Bumming around at home, giving tuition to cousins - my father didn’t let me find a job while waiting for results so I had to abide Daddy’s word. Anyway, I was chatting as per normal with M when the conversation went something like this:

M: So you don’t go out?
Me: I don’t like to go out. (I should have kicked myself here LOL)
M: Why you don’t like to go out?

Readers…I was really in a crazy mood so I went:

Me: Coz people stare…

(Let me explain… to be honest, I was not confident of myself so I always criticized myself. I’m my worst critic… and I had issues with my weights… in essence that staring part was basically my feeling unsure about myself)

M: Why do people stare? Is it because you are plump, with short curly hair and fair?

I almost fell off my seat! IT WAS SPOT ON… but how the hell did he know?
Flustered…I answered back.

Me: Hey are you stalking me?
M: I just happened to patrol in your area and saw this JC girl wearing the JC uniform.

I asked for his photo but he refused to share it with me.

After that chat, the next day I realized something…

Then was in Apr, so it had been 6 freaking months since I donned that uniform. I got really freaked out I tell you… but that still did not deter me from talking to him. I tried many sorts of ways… finally he relented and sent me his photo.



To be continued…

ps: Ok I've decided to send u the first installment of my story. Will continue after Barren Heart finishes hers. LOL.