the first man in my life

If there were any truth to my friends’ comments that I sometimes think like a man, I only have one person to attribute it to – my dad.

I love my dad. I honestly do. But I’m also declaring this cos I’m certain he can’t read this. Gosh, if he could, I know he’d be reacting awkwardly and uncomfortably, and so would I.

Dad is really one tough shell that’s hard to crack, but when you do (after a lot of patience), you’ll be surprised to discover tenderness and warmth.

In fact, his act of love is sometimes beyond the ordinary. This was the man who loves children but did not even carry any of his own when they were babies cos he didn't want them to be too emotionally attached to him. All because he truly believed back then that he would die young.

There was a time when I would always become the mediator between him and Mum. I was told that he harbours a soft spot for me. I don’t know why… perhaps he somehow could see himself in me (albeit a much diluted version heh).

In turn, as I grew up and learnt more about Dad, I saw in him, the same characteristics I would love to see in my own man.

Dad had always been some sort of a rebel since his youth. Based on his early corporate days, I can’t decide if he was popular or notorious. His confidence hardly wavers when he’s stating his opinions, even in the face of those older than he is. It amazes me that he can be defiant yet respectful towards elderly.

He is smart and cunning (in a positive way, of course, lol), capable at making things fall into place. He always enjoys a good debate and exchange of ideas. And he is principled, unafraid to stand up for his family and what he believes in.

I love his creativity and rationality, how he’s objective and focused in solving a problem either through his own devised strategies or based on sound investigation. I must add, though that he’s been showing more of his emotional side in recent years.

He knows what he wants and how to get it. In the old days Mum had no lack of suitors and when Dad heard that someone was going to propose to her, he swiftly asked for her hand in marriage days earlier. Haha what a hoot! I imagined it must've been romantic.

But I must confess that though I would love to see comparable qualities in my own man… I know those same qualities come with unfavourable “side effects”.

Dad’s confidence is flanked with ego, chauvinism and impatience I could never fathom.

I’ve never told anyone this. But one memory that I had since I was a child is so vivid that I suspect it had a profound effect on me.

I was young and hardly ever saw my parents in the days and nights. Sometimes I’d stay up really late just to have a glimpse of their faces. Other times when I’d succumb to sleep, I’d wake up real early just so I could catch them before they left home.

But one time, I woke up to hear Dad’s loud booming voice. Mum was equally loud and defiant. My parents were quarrelling in their room and it certainly was not pleasant to a young child.

And I think maybe… just maybe… a voice inside my head whispered to me… “I don’t want an angry man.”

That was a conclusion of six-year-old me.

Now, at twenty-seven, I have learnt to view things in a different perspective in an effort to see the bigger picture cos a good relationship is not unlike a jigsaw puzzle where two very different pieces fit perfectly together.

Instead of wondering half the time how Mum could tolerate Dad's temper, I started to observe... and I discovered that similarities need not necessarily give couples common ground cos they brought my parents clashes as much as differences did. Instead of worrying if they were ever gonna split up, I looked at how the marriage had lasted. I'm happy to say that while my parents still quarrel like any other couple, it was never in the same way again, thank goodness.

The adult me has observed that a lot of times we are so certain about the qualities we do or do not want to see in a partner that we forget to envision how the same qualities can make us stronger or weaker as a person.

So a tip I gathered... before we can find a partner that best compliment our own qualities, we’ve got to understand ourselves well first.

And so the first man in my life has taught me a lot of things.

Happy Dads' Day :)

bring on the conversation......

..............cricket, cricket, cricket.............
Ya, that’s exactly how it sounds like! You know, when all is quiet and
all you can hear is the sounds of crickets. Well, maybe you might not
have heard it before, but I have. So, let me begin my entry today on the
issue of silence.

Ok, maybe silence is too big a word. Let’s just say, you have got to
know a guy and then you find him really a “limited edition with words or
topics” kind of guy. What do you do? Well, I’m naturally very chatty (in
a good way of course, I hope) and I would very much prefer a guy whom
could have “sparring” moments with me in conversation. I love talking
about anything under the sun, particularly about general knowledge and
current affairs.

The following, to me IS not a fulfilling conversation.

Him: Hi, How are you? How was your day?
Me: Hi! I’m good. My day was ok. It was (and I go on bla bla bla....)
How was you day?
Him: Mine was ok. Work was busy. (A few words added on)
Me: Aha...ok...

5 minutes later
Me: Silence.
Him: Silence

Arrghh...this is not a conversation to me. It is very boring. I want to
talk more about current affairs etc, but when I try to, I get very short
answers like:-

Me: So, do you watch the news?
Him: Yes, sometimes, but not everyday..

Me: *Thinks and decides, hmmm...ok, I’d better not start a topic on
world news*

Then, I back off i.e. I decide not to talk too much because, I fear that
I might be too pompous when I start a topic but I get no rebuttals
(harmless ones) or exchanges of ideas in his point of view.

So, one of the criteria I am definitely looking in a future husband is,
definitely someone who can carry a conversation well with me...

i want a guy who's rich and sane

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

Let’s face it, as young as you can be, you’ve been exposed to ideas of romanticism through books, tv and movies. Then of course you’d have to excuse the inborn trait of wishing for a prince charming to sweep you off your feet. But fairy tales rarely happen in real life. Books lie, so do movies. Well at least for us singles who are still searching for The One.

There is a certain level of superficiality in everyone. If I say looks do not matter…I’d be lying through and through. Coz it does matter…at least a teeny weenie bit. Of course with that said, looks can be discounted if overall package in terms of mannerism is good. Seriously, nothing beats meeting someone who looks so blah and then finding out their mannerism sux as well.

My criteria for a guy is simple really.

He has to be RICH and SANE. They mean...

R - is Responsible;
I - has Integrity;
C - has Common sense (or Care);
H - is Honest.

S - Sincere (sincerity is a must);
A - Accepting (have to accept me the way I am);
N - Noble (I don't ask for much, at least be sympathetic and is filial);
E - Exciting (humour is a plus point really)

Not too much to ask right? Not as if I asked for the perfect guy. LOL

what i want in the man of my life

b.h's latest entry certainly sparked many thoughts in my head. The fear of listing 'criteria' or dreams is something I can surely relate to. But considering the fact that even by not listing or saying them out all these years never made a difference anyway, I'm hereby kicking superstition in the face by revealing mine. So here goes...

When I was young I used to think that 24 was an ideal age to get hitched. Is it just me or do other girls agree that there's just something comforting about the even number… Twenty-four... An age old enough but not too old, youthful but not too young. Isn't it a cool age to get married, I thought.

But I knew it would remain a dream for as long as... well until I found 'the one'. So I drew up a mental checklist of the basic requirements for 'the one'. It started out as a guideline to help me 'recognise' him should I encounter such a guy.

Adolescent list (not in order of priority):
Someone…
Who is older
Who is humorous
Who is a good listener
Whom I can trust
Who loves me
Who drives me crazy (in a passionate and fun sort of way)
Who is honest

Sounds simple enough doesn't it? Pretty basic too, I thought. But truth of the matter is… the sad truth in fact, things never remain simple. Cos times change, needs change, people change and so did my list.

Adult list (latest):
Someone...
Who is mature in his thinking
Who can see the humour in life even when things are down
Who isn’t just a good listener to others but also listens to himself speak
Whom I can trust and he in turn, trusts me
Who doesn’t just love me but also himself, the world around him and God
Who is contagiously driven in his passion and pursuit for happiness
Who is as honest to me as he is to his feelings

So there you go. What was once bare and simple became complicated and impossible. And 'the one' became unrecognisable.

But lists are just lists.
And dreams remain dreams.

The reality is
I’m no longer 24.
I’m not married.
And I don’t feel loved.

So while my list has evolved, my life hasn’t.