Once upon a time, a young lad was madly in love with a princess. But
his love for his damsel cannot be fulfilled. The man has three
choices; either be a slave, a knight of infinite resignation or a
knight of faith.
The slave will bemoan the loss of his love, screaming of the
foolishness of love. He will be dejected and abandon this love.
The knight of infinite resignation will not give up his love for the
princess, but he accepts that they will never be together in this
life. Instead, he keeps the memory of his love for the princess and
this becomes his sustenance for life. He is kept going by the
beautiful memories of the princess and his unfulfilled love. The
knight of infinity may or may not believe that they may be together in
another life or in spirit, but what's important is that the knight of
infinity gives up on their being together in this world; in this life.
The knight of faith goes a step further than this. He believes that he
will get her, by virtue of the absurd. The knight of faith is willing
to believe that they will be together through divine possibility. The
knight is the individual who is able to gracefully embrace life
through his acceptance and leap of faith in the impossible.
Most people live dejectedly in worldly sorrow and joy; they are the
ones who sit along the wall and do not join in the dance (slaves). The
knights of infinity are dancers and possess elevation. They make the
movements upward, and fall down again; and this too is no mean
pastime, nor ungraceful to behold. But whenever they fall down they
are not able at once to assume the posture, they waver for an instant,
and this instability shows that after all they are human like the rest
of us.
One need not look at them when they are up in the air, but only the
instant they touch or have touched the ground–then one recognizes
them. But to be able to fall down in such a way that the same second
it looks as if one were standing and walking, to transform the leap of
life into a walk, absolutely to express the sublime in the
pedestrian–that only the knight of faith can do.
So which would you be?
~ adapted from fear & trembling, by soren kierkegaard
Showing posts with label reads. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reads. Show all posts
Monday, August 9, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
the one that got away
In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with…and the one that got away.
Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.
I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little nice ties of giddy romance.
How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flash point of that fact.
Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.
So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come.
Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?”
That’s what the one that got away is, the biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.
If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her ever so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens… Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different.
What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple…find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee, ask her out for a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.” You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference.
If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”
by Mark J. Macapagal
something i came across and thought it's nice to share coz i couldnt agree more or said it better. i think most of us have experienced this... pondering about the what ifs, and could haves. one can go mad thinking about it, but i guess what's important is acknowledging that everything happens for a reason. and how ever the situation turns out, it's always a consequence of your own actions, so no regrets :)
Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.
I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little nice ties of giddy romance.
How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flash point of that fact.
Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.
So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come.
Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?”
That’s what the one that got away is, the biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.
If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her ever so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens… Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different.
What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple…find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee, ask her out for a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.” You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference.
If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”
by Mark J. Macapagal
something i came across and thought it's nice to share coz i couldnt agree more or said it better. i think most of us have experienced this... pondering about the what ifs, and could haves. one can go mad thinking about it, but i guess what's important is acknowledging that everything happens for a reason. and how ever the situation turns out, it's always a consequence of your own actions, so no regrets :)
Friday, April 16, 2010
5 Ways Facebook Changed Dating (For the Worse)
Thought I'd quickly bubble an article I just read...
Facebook can mess up your life in a whole bunch of ways. It can get you fired or evicted, plunge you into debt with its addictive games, and even (yeah, right) infect you with syphilis. We wouldn’t look at all of those as serious threats, but we all know from experience that one threat is real: Facebook makes dating far more complicated than it used to be.
You can use Facebook’s privacy settings to mitigate the pains, and you can even make an impossible-to-maintain rule that you won’t accept friend requests from people you’re dating, but it’s almost guaranteed that Facebook will somehow catch up to your budding relationship and challenge it with some confusion eventually.
The site can be a boon for dating in some ways too, of course, but for now we’re talking about how it makes things complicated. Here are five ways that Facebook’s erosion of personal boundaries and privacy has made finding security in love and sex more difficult.
1. Overanalyzing Will Drive You Crazy
He posted on your wall four times today — does that mean he’s too into you? She keeps posting status updates about the cute guys in her office — should you be worried that you’ll be outdone? You’ve hardly seen any updates on his profile since you had a fight — is he hiding the updates from you, is he so depressed that he’s not engaging, or is it just a coincidence? Why does she keep untagging herself from photos with you in them?
If you’re already feeling insecure or suspicious, your partner’s Facebook feed will contribute about ten gallons of gasoline to it.
It’s obviously best not to indulge any obsessive or stalking behaviors, but love (and lust) drive people to do silly things. Sometimes you just can’t help but wonder what this or that update means for your relationship. Chances are it means nothing, but that won’t stop those nagging insecurities.
2. You See All the Action Your Ex Is Getting
That guy just posted on her wall thanking her for the wonderful time they had last night, but she just broke up with you last week. Man, that smarts.
Most of the items on this list have something to do with privacy. In this case, it’s not your privacy, it’s hers. It’s tough to get over someone you’ve just lost, but it’s even harder when you know she’s having a smashing time without you. Facebook makes sure of that.
Maybe it’s important for Facebook users to carefully watch their feeds to make sure that nothing comes up that will cause any hurt to any exes, or maybe their exes are responsible for clicking “hide” in the news feed until they’re over it. If at least one of those things doesn’t happen, it can get painful for one person, minimum.
3. Relationships and Breakups Are Public
Dramatized in the above scene from the CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory, it’s the most classic Facebook dating dilemma: Who pulls the trigger to make a relationship official on Facebook first? It would be embarrassing to declare yourself to be in a relationship if your (you thought) significant other doesn’t reciprocate.
Changing Facebook relationship status has, for better or worse, joined first date, first kiss, first night together, exclusivity talk, and first “I love you” on the list of important relationship milestones. It’s one of the most awkward milestones because it’s public by necessity.
That first status change isn’t the only challenge. When a relationship ends, how soon is it okay to switch back to single? Doing so right away seems callous, but holding on for too long makes you look fixated. And God forbid that somebody break the news to her partner that she’s dumping him or her by publicly switching her status over to “Single.” But we’ve all heard stories of that happening.
We’ve also heard stories of people seeing their dates switch to “In a Relationship” with someone else. That can’t feel good.
4. It’s a Record of Every Relationship Mistake You’ve Made
If he can’t help but snoop, he can look back and see all those consolation posts from friends about your last breakup. Maybe he’ll see your previous partner’s angry wall posts after you let him know that you wouldn’t be seeing him again. Maybe this new friend of yours will see your immature responses. Worst of all, he might see just how much of a loser your last man was and decide you’re playing in different leagues.
Facebook serves up a record of everything you’ve done since you created your profile. It’s best to carefully curate all that information to make sure none of it comes back to haunt you later, but that takes a lot of work, and some things are bound to slip through the cracks.
To make things even more frustrating, you can’t modify the privacy settings for things you’ve already posted. You might have hidden that incriminating status update from your last boyfriend, but since your new one just friended you today, you’ll have to remember to go back and delete it if you’re afraid he’ll be browsing.
5. Other People’s Comments Will Make Your Date Jealous
This has caused many a breakup. Some people tend towards jealousy, and as with item #1 on this list, the flame of insecurity will get doused in gasoline.
Let’s say some girl has a bunch of innocuous guy friends who are innocently posting flirtatious messages on her wall. Most folks are okay with flirting, but some can’t handle it, and something about seeing it written out on Facebook makes it worse. That girl’s boyfriend will either become passive aggressive or burst out in jealous rage, setting the stage for the end of an otherwise positive relationship.
This one illustrates the same point as all the others: Facebook brings us too close to people too quickly. Dating is as much about maintaining healthy and safe boundaries as it is about intimacy — at least at first — and social networking makes that harder than ever. It’s not dissimilar to dating someone who works in your office; you can’t control the exposure you’ll have, and that can be a recipe for disaster.
by Samuel Axon (Source: http://mashable.com/2010/04/10/facebook-dating/)
Facebook can mess up your life in a whole bunch of ways. It can get you fired or evicted, plunge you into debt with its addictive games, and even (yeah, right) infect you with syphilis. We wouldn’t look at all of those as serious threats, but we all know from experience that one threat is real: Facebook makes dating far more complicated than it used to be.
You can use Facebook’s privacy settings to mitigate the pains, and you can even make an impossible-to-maintain rule that you won’t accept friend requests from people you’re dating, but it’s almost guaranteed that Facebook will somehow catch up to your budding relationship and challenge it with some confusion eventually.
The site can be a boon for dating in some ways too, of course, but for now we’re talking about how it makes things complicated. Here are five ways that Facebook’s erosion of personal boundaries and privacy has made finding security in love and sex more difficult.
1. Overanalyzing Will Drive You Crazy
He posted on your wall four times today — does that mean he’s too into you? She keeps posting status updates about the cute guys in her office — should you be worried that you’ll be outdone? You’ve hardly seen any updates on his profile since you had a fight — is he hiding the updates from you, is he so depressed that he’s not engaging, or is it just a coincidence? Why does she keep untagging herself from photos with you in them?
If you’re already feeling insecure or suspicious, your partner’s Facebook feed will contribute about ten gallons of gasoline to it.
It’s obviously best not to indulge any obsessive or stalking behaviors, but love (and lust) drive people to do silly things. Sometimes you just can’t help but wonder what this or that update means for your relationship. Chances are it means nothing, but that won’t stop those nagging insecurities.
2. You See All the Action Your Ex Is Getting
That guy just posted on her wall thanking her for the wonderful time they had last night, but she just broke up with you last week. Man, that smarts.
Most of the items on this list have something to do with privacy. In this case, it’s not your privacy, it’s hers. It’s tough to get over someone you’ve just lost, but it’s even harder when you know she’s having a smashing time without you. Facebook makes sure of that.
Maybe it’s important for Facebook users to carefully watch their feeds to make sure that nothing comes up that will cause any hurt to any exes, or maybe their exes are responsible for clicking “hide” in the news feed until they’re over it. If at least one of those things doesn’t happen, it can get painful for one person, minimum.
3. Relationships and Breakups Are Public
Dramatized in the above scene from the CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory, it’s the most classic Facebook dating dilemma: Who pulls the trigger to make a relationship official on Facebook first? It would be embarrassing to declare yourself to be in a relationship if your (you thought) significant other doesn’t reciprocate.
Changing Facebook relationship status has, for better or worse, joined first date, first kiss, first night together, exclusivity talk, and first “I love you” on the list of important relationship milestones. It’s one of the most awkward milestones because it’s public by necessity.
That first status change isn’t the only challenge. When a relationship ends, how soon is it okay to switch back to single? Doing so right away seems callous, but holding on for too long makes you look fixated. And God forbid that somebody break the news to her partner that she’s dumping him or her by publicly switching her status over to “Single.” But we’ve all heard stories of that happening.
We’ve also heard stories of people seeing their dates switch to “In a Relationship” with someone else. That can’t feel good.
4. It’s a Record of Every Relationship Mistake You’ve Made
If he can’t help but snoop, he can look back and see all those consolation posts from friends about your last breakup. Maybe he’ll see your previous partner’s angry wall posts after you let him know that you wouldn’t be seeing him again. Maybe this new friend of yours will see your immature responses. Worst of all, he might see just how much of a loser your last man was and decide you’re playing in different leagues.
Facebook serves up a record of everything you’ve done since you created your profile. It’s best to carefully curate all that information to make sure none of it comes back to haunt you later, but that takes a lot of work, and some things are bound to slip through the cracks.
To make things even more frustrating, you can’t modify the privacy settings for things you’ve already posted. You might have hidden that incriminating status update from your last boyfriend, but since your new one just friended you today, you’ll have to remember to go back and delete it if you’re afraid he’ll be browsing.
5. Other People’s Comments Will Make Your Date Jealous
This has caused many a breakup. Some people tend towards jealousy, and as with item #1 on this list, the flame of insecurity will get doused in gasoline.
Let’s say some girl has a bunch of innocuous guy friends who are innocently posting flirtatious messages on her wall. Most folks are okay with flirting, but some can’t handle it, and something about seeing it written out on Facebook makes it worse. That girl’s boyfriend will either become passive aggressive or burst out in jealous rage, setting the stage for the end of an otherwise positive relationship.
This one illustrates the same point as all the others: Facebook brings us too close to people too quickly. Dating is as much about maintaining healthy and safe boundaries as it is about intimacy — at least at first — and social networking makes that harder than ever. It’s not dissimilar to dating someone who works in your office; you can’t control the exposure you’ll have, and that can be a recipe for disaster.
by Samuel Axon (Source: http://mashable.com/2010/04/10/facebook-dating/)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
everything men know about women
"Famed psychologist Alan Lowell Francis has written a landmark book on men's understanding of the most complex of all creatures - women. Based on years of research and interviews with thousands of men from all walks of life, he presents the most complete picture ever revealed of men's knowledge of their opposite sex. Fiercely frank and brilliantly insightful, this work spells out everything men know about such topics as:
image from maniacworld
- making friends with women
- romancing women
- achieving emotional intimacy with women
- making commitments to women
- satisfying women in bed
image from maniacworldSunday, September 6, 2009
conditions of love
"we particularly relish in the other precisely the qualities that we lack ourselves. it would be absurd to crave what you already possess. in loving the other, we can come by to possess these qualities."
while i was cleaning out my closet yesterday, i came across this old diary i kept. one entry dated 21 nov 04 had a few quotes from this book conditions of love, by john armstrong. i remember reading it a few days after i broke up. it was a time of loss and trying to come to terms with what just happened, what went wrong. i guess i was trying to get some answers from this thin paperback from borders. hah.
the reason i jotted this quote down was coz reading it made me realise how true it is (for my case, at least). even now, as i reflect back on the guys i liked after 2004, it's still true.
the attributes that attract me to the guys i like are those that i dun possess myself. we love someone in the hope that what we love in them will rub on us, somehow. i think it makes sense, just that we dont do it consciously, just on a subconscious level.
say, my first ex... he's confident, speaks and writes well, a literary whiz to my then-17 year old self. one of the first things i loved about him was that he had a way with words, which i was (and still) a sucker for. it is what i aspire to be, so it could be one of the factors that made me fall in love then.
more recently, a co-worker i have a teeny crush on. he's my age, and yet he's already a manager, handling huge projects and with a team under him. on top of that, he has his own little entertainment company that he manages at night, something that he does simply coz he loves it. his passion to work and play just as hard is what i like about him, coz maybe im not someone whos so driven like him. of coz, he's kinda cute too :P
another one is this guy i met 3 yrs ago. he's one adventurous bugger, the kind who cant sit still and needs his adrenaline fix all the time. he regaled to me his dirt biking days, the times he went camping outdoors, cycling all around singapore, riding out to malaysia every other week, and how he's taken probably 20 part time jobs in his youth... as i sat there open-mouthed at how much he's done. again, it just amazes me how passionate and driven someone can be, something that's almost alien to one who's in a constant state of inertia as me :)
anyway, this could only be true for me, i dunno.
why not you guys reflect on this and tell me if it's the same for you.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
doormat. definitely.
why do men love bitches?
apparently, i'm not the only asking coz there's a book with that title. which i'm reading now.
before i go on, let me give you the definition of a bitch in this book. (please retract your claws now, all you real biatches reading this. thankyou.)
here, bitch doesn't mean 1) a female dog or female species of any canine or 2) a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, esp. a woman.
it just refers to a woman who stands her ground in a relationship, someone not afraid to voice her opinions when the situation calls for it and one who wont compromise the most important thing, her dignity and self-respect, for any man.
this lady has that je ne sais quoi, translating to 'i don't know what.' basically it's that something special that men cant seem to put their finger on, but are drawn to nonetheless.
it's not about looks; gorgeous women get dumped and end up with jerks too.
it's not about intelligence; even the not-so-smarts are known to possess this quality.
so what is this attribute? it is a woman that's comfortable in her own skin.
the opposite of the bitch is... the 'nice girl', or a less pleasant term used in the book, a doormat.
she's described as one who gives everything blindly to a man (even when they just get into a rship), because she wants so much for her actions to be reciprocated. she's the one who goes along with what she thinks her man will like or want because she wants to keep him at all cost.
to further explain the difference between the two, here are some case scenarios:
#1 He calls you and expects you to be at home
the nice girl will let the guy know she's leaving, where she'll be and wat time she'll be back
the bitch lets him think about where she is now and then. no 'reporting strength' here :P
#2 He says he'll call at ard a certain time. the call is 4 hours late
the nice girl yells at him and says she's worried, "you should have called!!"
the bitch isnt so easily upset, so she's harder to read. even if he does call, she may not even pick up the phone
#3 He seems withdrawn, pensive, nt particularly talkative
the nice girl continually pesters him and asks, "what are you thinking about?" she's worried he's pulling away from her.
the bitch is in her own thoughts, she doesn't panic, which makes him come her way.
#4 He is late for a date and keeps her waiting
the nice girl waits, calls him incessantly and tells him that he should 'value her more'
the bitch waits for half an hour, then make other plans
going back to the main question here, why are men so attracted to bitches? the difference here isn't so much about how you treat the guy. it's how you treat yourself. we may think that by giving a man extra tender, loving care, he will stay by your side. but mostly, that's not always enough. for most men, it'll make them run away even, especially if you give too much in the beginning.
let's face it. men love the thrill of the chase. if someone comes across as too 'easy' for them, they lose interest quickly. but when he sees you as a mental challenge, his interest is piqued and he'll try harder to get you. even after he gets the girl, he'll treasure her more. after all, he did have to put up a fight to get to where he is. imagine a child who's given a shiny new toy for christmas as opposed to one he bought himself after saving up for months. which do you think he'd treasure more? :)
in case you're wondering which one you are, they even had an "are you too nice" quiz. a test in which i failed miserably. lol! i shan't pose the questions here, you go read it yourself if you're interested :P
but here are 10 characteristics of the bitch mentioned in the book, where you may ascertain for yourself whether you are one or the other :)
1. she maintains her independence - she earns her keeps, not depending on her man or with her hand out to anyone.
2. she doesnt pursue him - the moon, the sun and the stars don't revolve ard him. she doesn't chase or keep tabs on him, he is NOT the centre of the world.
3. she is mysterious - this isn't about being dishonest. she doesnt lie but she doesnt reveal everything and wont put her cards on the table too soon. familiarity breeds contempt and predictability breeds boredom.
4. she leaves him wanting - she doesnt see him every night or leave him long messages. shes not always available to him, which leaves him to long for her.
5. she doesnt let him see her sweat - she avoids communication when upset. she clears her head first, making sure shes rational and speaks in a "bottom line" way.
6. she remains in control of her time - she takes it slow, especially when he wants to hurry. all in her time, preventing him from controlling her.
7. she maintains a sense of humour - this lets him now shes detached. but she doesnt treat disrespect as a laughing matter.
8. she places a high value on herself - she appreciates a compliment. she doesnt ask what his ex looked like or compare herself to other women.
9. she is passionate about something other than him - when he feels that he's not the "be all and end all" of her existence, it makes her more desirable. and staying busy ensures she isnt resentful when he's unavailable.
10. she treats her body like a finely tuned machine - she maintains her appearance and health. a person's self-respect is reflected on how she maintains her image. if he tells her he doesnt like red lipstick, she wears it anyway, coz it makes her feel good.
bitch or doormat, i think the above is pretty solid advice for any woman to take, whether she is single or attached; seeking for love or not.
apparently, i'm not the only asking coz there's a book with that title. which i'm reading now.
before i go on, let me give you the definition of a bitch in this book. (please retract your claws now, all you real biatches reading this. thankyou.)
here, bitch doesn't mean 1) a female dog or female species of any canine or 2) a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, esp. a woman.
it just refers to a woman who stands her ground in a relationship, someone not afraid to voice her opinions when the situation calls for it and one who wont compromise the most important thing, her dignity and self-respect, for any man.
this lady has that je ne sais quoi, translating to 'i don't know what.' basically it's that something special that men cant seem to put their finger on, but are drawn to nonetheless.
it's not about looks; gorgeous women get dumped and end up with jerks too.
it's not about intelligence; even the not-so-smarts are known to possess this quality.
so what is this attribute? it is a woman that's comfortable in her own skin.
the opposite of the bitch is... the 'nice girl', or a less pleasant term used in the book, a doormat.
she's described as one who gives everything blindly to a man (even when they just get into a rship), because she wants so much for her actions to be reciprocated. she's the one who goes along with what she thinks her man will like or want because she wants to keep him at all cost.
to further explain the difference between the two, here are some case scenarios:
#1 He calls you and expects you to be at home
the nice girl will let the guy know she's leaving, where she'll be and wat time she'll be back
the bitch lets him think about where she is now and then. no 'reporting strength' here :P
#2 He says he'll call at ard a certain time. the call is 4 hours late
the nice girl yells at him and says she's worried, "you should have called!!"
the bitch isnt so easily upset, so she's harder to read. even if he does call, she may not even pick up the phone
#3 He seems withdrawn, pensive, nt particularly talkative
the nice girl continually pesters him and asks, "what are you thinking about?" she's worried he's pulling away from her.
the bitch is in her own thoughts, she doesn't panic, which makes him come her way.
#4 He is late for a date and keeps her waiting
the nice girl waits, calls him incessantly and tells him that he should 'value her more'
the bitch waits for half an hour, then make other plans
going back to the main question here, why are men so attracted to bitches? the difference here isn't so much about how you treat the guy. it's how you treat yourself. we may think that by giving a man extra tender, loving care, he will stay by your side. but mostly, that's not always enough. for most men, it'll make them run away even, especially if you give too much in the beginning.
let's face it. men love the thrill of the chase. if someone comes across as too 'easy' for them, they lose interest quickly. but when he sees you as a mental challenge, his interest is piqued and he'll try harder to get you. even after he gets the girl, he'll treasure her more. after all, he did have to put up a fight to get to where he is. imagine a child who's given a shiny new toy for christmas as opposed to one he bought himself after saving up for months. which do you think he'd treasure more? :)
in case you're wondering which one you are, they even had an "are you too nice" quiz. a test in which i failed miserably. lol! i shan't pose the questions here, you go read it yourself if you're interested :P
but here are 10 characteristics of the bitch mentioned in the book, where you may ascertain for yourself whether you are one or the other :)
1. she maintains her independence - she earns her keeps, not depending on her man or with her hand out to anyone.
2. she doesnt pursue him - the moon, the sun and the stars don't revolve ard him. she doesn't chase or keep tabs on him, he is NOT the centre of the world.
3. she is mysterious - this isn't about being dishonest. she doesnt lie but she doesnt reveal everything and wont put her cards on the table too soon. familiarity breeds contempt and predictability breeds boredom.
4. she leaves him wanting - she doesnt see him every night or leave him long messages. shes not always available to him, which leaves him to long for her.
5. she doesnt let him see her sweat - she avoids communication when upset. she clears her head first, making sure shes rational and speaks in a "bottom line" way.
6. she remains in control of her time - she takes it slow, especially when he wants to hurry. all in her time, preventing him from controlling her.
7. she maintains a sense of humour - this lets him now shes detached. but she doesnt treat disrespect as a laughing matter.
8. she places a high value on herself - she appreciates a compliment. she doesnt ask what his ex looked like or compare herself to other women.
9. she is passionate about something other than him - when he feels that he's not the "be all and end all" of her existence, it makes her more desirable. and staying busy ensures she isnt resentful when he's unavailable.
10. she treats her body like a finely tuned machine - she maintains her appearance and health. a person's self-respect is reflected on how she maintains her image. if he tells her he doesnt like red lipstick, she wears it anyway, coz it makes her feel good.
bitch or doormat, i think the above is pretty solid advice for any woman to take, whether she is single or attached; seeking for love or not.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
secrets of the heart
What you see isn't always everything.
It sure is easy to think that we know those who are close to us. We want to believe that what we see and hear from the person is all there is to it. But we can never know for certain because what really goes on inside another’s head and heart is essentially a secret.
As Gail Saltz wrote it in the ‘Anatomy of a Secret’ which I'm reading, “to have secrets is to be human”.
I am certainly very human. Even while I find comfort in the anonymity of this blog, often, I find myself censoring my own self for fear of revealing too much. Maybe it’s because I simply can’t bring myself to allow a stranger to know ‘me’ without me having an equal chance to know him too.
Secrets are, as Gail had aptly captured it, “the currency of close relationships, the coin of exclusivity, sometimes the key to love itself”.
If I choose to share my secret with you, it’s because I trust you. And with trust, it’s always a risk. I guess that’s the reason I fear I may end up being hurt somehow if I reveal too much of myself to anyone other than my selected few. Believe me, my fears are not unfounded. I once confided in someone I was comfortable with but not exactly close to just because the ‘distance’ gave me a faux sense of security and thereafter, things went horribly wrong. Lesson learnt, now with people I am not close to, I live by the line “You tell me your secrets and I’ll tell you mine. Maybe”.
We all have secrets. I know I guard mine fiercely, allowing only those I’m close to aware of my vulnerabilities. Maybe the very people I’m close to keep secrets from me, and I fully respect that. But it can hurt sometimes when you know they’re doing it. After all, if those close to you harbour secrets from you, doesn't that mean they are intentionally excluding you from their lives?
It hurts even more when you know that after opening yourself up totally to them, they would only share scraps of fuzzy, vague details to you. I guess for me, it just makes me wonder where I stand in the relationship.
And while we may say that someone who doesn’t know everything about us doesn’t really know us, can we truly say that we know ourselves?
As a quote from Frank Warren goes:
The secrets we keep from ourselves are the ones we simply refuse to acknowledge. They are the ones that we bury over time and we’d become embarrassed or enraged if we ever feel the slightest threat of being exposed.
Just like the secrets we keep from others, these inner secrets too, want to be released. So they try to escape somehow, and give themselves away through fleeting facial expressions, dreams and slips of the tongue, etc.
Has someone you’re close to ever done something inexplicably out of character? I know someone. When I discovered it, I realised suddenly that I didn't know him very well. Maybe even not at all. I suppose that’s when the malignant secret take on more troubling forms.
When someone commits something we would least expect of him, naturally we will question the need to conceal. I believe it’s not the ‘what’ but the ‘why’ that matters most.
If he refuses to reveal why, then I suppose, he is making a choice to hide his real self not only from others but also from his own self. And unless he faces up to the secret he keeps from himself, it will only be a matter of time before the malignant secret starts spreading again to find an outlet through troubling forms.
And if I may find someone who will lead me to the heart of his secrets, I will not hesitate to lead him to my heart.
It sure is easy to think that we know those who are close to us. We want to believe that what we see and hear from the person is all there is to it. But we can never know for certain because what really goes on inside another’s head and heart is essentially a secret.
As Gail Saltz wrote it in the ‘Anatomy of a Secret’ which I'm reading, “to have secrets is to be human”.
I am certainly very human. Even while I find comfort in the anonymity of this blog, often, I find myself censoring my own self for fear of revealing too much. Maybe it’s because I simply can’t bring myself to allow a stranger to know ‘me’ without me having an equal chance to know him too.
Secrets are, as Gail had aptly captured it, “the currency of close relationships, the coin of exclusivity, sometimes the key to love itself”.
If I choose to share my secret with you, it’s because I trust you. And with trust, it’s always a risk. I guess that’s the reason I fear I may end up being hurt somehow if I reveal too much of myself to anyone other than my selected few. Believe me, my fears are not unfounded. I once confided in someone I was comfortable with but not exactly close to just because the ‘distance’ gave me a faux sense of security and thereafter, things went horribly wrong. Lesson learnt, now with people I am not close to, I live by the line “You tell me your secrets and I’ll tell you mine. Maybe”.
Secrets – can’t live with them, can’t live without them.
We all have secrets. I know I guard mine fiercely, allowing only those I’m close to aware of my vulnerabilities. Maybe the very people I’m close to keep secrets from me, and I fully respect that. But it can hurt sometimes when you know they’re doing it. After all, if those close to you harbour secrets from you, doesn't that mean they are intentionally excluding you from their lives?
It hurts even more when you know that after opening yourself up totally to them, they would only share scraps of fuzzy, vague details to you. I guess for me, it just makes me wonder where I stand in the relationship.
And while we may say that someone who doesn’t know everything about us doesn’t really know us, can we truly say that we know ourselves?
As a quote from Frank Warren goes:
There are two kinds of secrets:
Those we keep from others,
And the ones we hide from ourselves.
The secrets we keep from ourselves are the ones we simply refuse to acknowledge. They are the ones that we bury over time and we’d become embarrassed or enraged if we ever feel the slightest threat of being exposed.
Just like the secrets we keep from others, these inner secrets too, want to be released. So they try to escape somehow, and give themselves away through fleeting facial expressions, dreams and slips of the tongue, etc.
Has someone you’re close to ever done something inexplicably out of character? I know someone. When I discovered it, I realised suddenly that I didn't know him very well. Maybe even not at all. I suppose that’s when the malignant secret take on more troubling forms.
But without access to these inner secrets, we can’t really know ourselves at all. Instead, we’re forced to spend our lives in a state of continual vagueness, ignorant of the reasons behind our own actions and perceptions.
When someone commits something we would least expect of him, naturally we will question the need to conceal. I believe it’s not the ‘what’ but the ‘why’ that matters most.
If he refuses to reveal why, then I suppose, he is making a choice to hide his real self not only from others but also from his own self. And unless he faces up to the secret he keeps from himself, it will only be a matter of time before the malignant secret starts spreading again to find an outlet through troubling forms.
And when you find someone in whom you can confide all your secrets and who in turn can confide all his or her secrets in you, then for the first time since infancy you will have found a person who seemingly knows everything about you, and that is what we might call love.
And if I may find someone who will lead me to the heart of his secrets, I will not hesitate to lead him to my heart.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
the music of my heart
i'm reading the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera. not an easy read, i must admit. the premise of the story is about the love lives of 2 couples but underneath this context is kundera’s take on philosopher friedrich nietzsche's theory of eternal return (if i'm wrong, please correct me, all you deep philo students).
ya. vair cheem. i also don’t get much of it. heh. but i read for his love analogies that i think most of us can relate to.
there’s a part in the book where he talks about how one word can hold different meanings for 2 people in a relationship, giving way to misunderstandings or a lack of understanding for each other.
he likens our lives to a musical composition. when we are young, our musical compositions are “still in its opening bars” and we write it together with our partner, through shared experiences, or motifs as he calls it.
each time the same object would give rise to a new meaning, through all
former meanings would resonate (like an echo, like a parade of echoes) together with the new one. each new experience would resound, each time enriching the harmony
we hear people say that first loves are the hardest to forget. maybe this is the reason why? that person you shared so much with has helped to carve your lives, whether you like it or not. memories and meanings resonate deep in your soul, and will remain part of you for many years to come, if not forever.
and have you ever realised how much easier it is to be with someone when we are younger? we didn’t have too many criteria of that perfect guy, we accept them as they are more readily, we are less critical of that person.
but as we get older, our musical compositions are more or less complete. every motif, every word holds a different meaning… making it harder to fit with another tune. even the slightest beats that are off key can make us throw away that composition, and vow never to listen to it again.
in the case of the 2 characters, franz and sabina, they met when they were older and there was this abyss separating these lovers.
he listened eagerly to the story of her life and she was equally eager to
hear the story if his, but although they had a clear understanding of the
logical meaning of the words they exchanged, they failed to hear the
semantic susurrus of the river flowing through them.
in short, they just don’t get each other. that’s the problem with trying to find a partner later in life. well, for me at least. on the outside, 2 people may look like they are fit for each other. but after they try to sing together, they realise their music, in fact, clash, making a din instead. or worse, silence.
as for me? i’m still trying to find a person who can strike a chord with my slightly offbeat and out of tune song :)
as for me? i’m still trying to find a person who can strike a chord with my slightly offbeat and out of tune song :)
Saturday, January 3, 2009
a thousand splendid suns
i finished this in 2 days. thanks w.h for the recommendation. i love it and yes, i did cry at some parts. i never thought that a story of two women in a far away land could grip me like this. that's the reason i never considered this book or kite runner before, even though they got rave reviews. for the simple reason that i thought i couldn't relate to it.
of coz, the tragedies and emotional turmoil in the book were nothing near to what i had gone through. what i could relate to was the story of relentless courage, hope, internal strength; the story of love lost (and found). this was what made the book so moving.
a particular line from the book struck me.
"...of all the hardships a person had to face none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting."
i think most of us can relate to that and gone through the agony of waiting.
waiting for something to happen.
waiting for someone to come home.
for the next meeting.
for that call/sms.
for answers.
i, for one, dont mind waiting. as long as i know that what i'm waiting for is coming, how ever overdue it is. the worst thing is waiting aimlessly, the fear that you are waiting in vain. waiting but not knowing what is it you're waiting for.
i thought i'm the kind of person who'd rather walk than wait. but i guess i have more patience than i gave myself credit for.
of coz, the tragedies and emotional turmoil in the book were nothing near to what i had gone through. what i could relate to was the story of relentless courage, hope, internal strength; the story of love lost (and found). this was what made the book so moving.
a particular line from the book struck me.
"...of all the hardships a person had to face none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting."
i think most of us can relate to that and gone through the agony of waiting.
waiting for something to happen.
waiting for someone to come home.
for the next meeting.
for that call/sms.
for answers.
i, for one, dont mind waiting. as long as i know that what i'm waiting for is coming, how ever overdue it is. the worst thing is waiting aimlessly, the fear that you are waiting in vain. waiting but not knowing what is it you're waiting for.
i thought i'm the kind of person who'd rather walk than wait. but i guess i have more patience than i gave myself credit for.
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