teenage love affair

contributed by one of our readers, anonymous heart

I was fourteen. Young, naïve, and juvenile. All I wanted was an older boyfriend. Of course I needed to have an older boyfriend. All my friends had boyfriends who were older than them – and at that time, I thought it was “cool”.

My self-esteem was at an all-time low. Compared to my friends, I had no admirers chasing after me, asking for my number or just wanting to get to know me. I was the “ugliest” lot amongst my four best friends. My hair was thick and there’s nothing attractive about my facial features. I had bee-stung lips (and I still do now) and people say I was way too skinny for their liking. Walking skeleton, some might say.

Quoting from a popular girl in my class, “Guys like girls with some junk in the trunk.” (read: big boobs, ogle-worthy derriere, curvaceous silhouette) Obviously I didn’t fit into that category. I was flat-chested and I still wore a training bra. Oh well. No one will ever like me, I thought to myself.

Then entered Syam, a handsome and tall 20 year old whom I met through a mutual friend. I was attracted to him the moment this mutual friend introduced us to each other. What’s not to like about him? He’s

1. good-looking even though he’s donning nerdy spectacles
2. taller than me (though I’m not so tall myself. But guys like girls shorter and smaller than them, right?)
3. 6 years older than me (hello? I need to have somebody older than me, not the same age as me)

I was beyond ecstatic when Syam text-messaged me, saying that he would like to get to know me better. I already envisioned of us holding hands by the beach as a couple. I know. Far-fetched.

One thing led to another. And the next thing I knew, Syam expressed his feelings for me and would like to “propose” me to be his dearly girlfriend. I was on cloud nine.

Yay! I have got a boyfriend now! I smiled to myself. It felt good showing him off to my friends. Every time he fetched me, waiting for me at the void deck near my school, I felt really special. Now all my school mates who dubbed me as “not pretty” will know that I do have a boyfriend after all. Older boyfriend. It made me feel like I am a mature individual already.

One Sunday afternoon, we were eating Mee Soto at Ayer Rajah Food Centre with his friend Fazlee and Fazlee’s girlfriend, Seri. (Ever since I officially became Syam’s girlfriend, we frequently hung out with Fazlee and Seri. So-called double date). While eating, Syam rummaged through his sling bag and took out the set of photos that he just retrieved from a photo developing shop this morning. It was his Hari Raya pictures. His family and him. There he was. Standing beside his mother, who was seated beside his father. His sisters were standing behind their parents and there was a cute baby in his mother’s arms.

“Awww…look at your baby brother. How adorable! He looks just like you,” I purred.

“How old is he? There must be a huge difference in your age gap lah!” I added. Syam just kept silent for a few moments while I browsed through his set of pictures.

“Actually… That little boy is my son,” Syam finally voiced out.

What??!! I stared at him, flabbergasted. Turns out that it was his lovechild with his previous girlfriend. Apparently his ex-girlfriend didn’t want to take care of their child after giving birth. Syam had no choice but to take care of the baby (or rather, Syam’s mother).

It was a shocking truth for a fourteen-year-old like me to handle. This was my first real boyfriend for goodness sake. After his so-called confession, things were definitely different between us.

He even asked me, “Will you still accept me? With my son? Are you willing to be his step-mother?”

I was like, woah. Hang in there boy. I’m just fourteen, still young and carefree, our relationship are still considered new. I didn’t even know if I even want to marry you in the future. I mean, I like you very much and all (like, not love yet), but let’s take things one step at a time. So I just plastered a fake smile on my face.

Few weeks went by. We began to see each other less frequently – to a point where he didn’t call or message me at all. I called and left him dozens of messages, but to no avail.

What happened to him? My little heart wondered.That was when I received a text-message from him. Speaking of the devil, I thought.

Syam: For these past few days when I didn’t sms you, I’ve been going through a lot of thinking. My mom is fed up with me because she’s the one who has to take care of my son, not me. Two days ago my parents went to my ex’s place to meet with her parents. They want us to get married.

Right. This was a hint for me to go. I’m not going to be the third wheel in someone’s marriage (or someone who’s about to get married). Right on that moment I told him that I like him and everything, but we have to end our relationship there and then. I was furious with him for being such a coward. Why did he have to avoid me before telling me the reason for his silence? And break-up over the phone? He’s not a man enough to see me face-to-face. Jerk.

Of course when I think back, How silly of me. Maybe he was just finding a reason to dump me, so he cooked up a very big lie just to get rid of me. But now, it doesn’t matter. It’s from these experience that we learnt, and it made us a stronger person than we were before. I’m glad this happened, by the way. If I’m still stuck with that joker, I think I won’t be happy and I would be deceived by all his stupid lies.

Now, when I saw young schoolgirls displaying public displays of affection with their older boyfriends (I can tell because the girl is wearing her secondary school uniform and the boy is wearing his ITE uniform), I smiled to myself. I was in their position before. So naïve and yet so desperate to have a boyfriend, being intimate in public, ignoring the disapproving glances from passers-by… I cringed at the thought of that.

Well readers. That was my story. About a young teenage love experienced by yours truly.

Hope the intricate details will make you feel as if you’re in my shoes while reading it. And oh. All the names have been changed to protect every stakeholder’s confidentiality.

I must forget

slightly past a year
but it seemed as clear
as yesterday...
yesterday...

Everything simply flooded back to me...
The scenes, the emotions, the words...
Couldn't hold back negative thoughts.
I knew I shouldn't be thinking them but I couldn't help myself.
The more I tried to control them, the wilder they became.
It was awful.

I felt awful.

settling down for less

Being single is a choice. I think most of us, including you, our dear readers, can get attached is a jiffy, if we choose to. It’s a matter of dropping your expectations and thinking long term isn’t it – procreating for the greater good, making our parents happy, escaping boredom in old age. So many reasons to just go out and settle down, to settle for less...

We could. But why are we not doing it? Why am I not doing it?

My answer to this question came recently, when I saw pictures of my freshly attached friends.

That look on their faces.

Bliss. Just pure bliss of gazing each other in the eyes.

The joy of proclaiming to the world (or your facebook friends, at least) that yes, you’ve finally found someone!

Not caring if everyone thinks you’re a love sick nut case, coz YOU are happy.

That overwhelming feeling that consumes your whole being until it shows on your face even as you walk down the street alone.

I want that. I really do.

But oh wells. Not everyone can get what they want eh?

On to the next match-up!


p/s: in pms mode. Guess that’s self explanatory.

truth i must face

contributed by one of our readers, amorphous heart.

Kinda sorta started hanging out with my ex- again. A repeat, a pattern of seeing each other again once every 2 years when he is back in the area. We broke up 4 years ago, both leaving each other broken and hurt and changed.

I saw him 2 weeks ago. He hadn't called or emailed since I kissed his sweet lips. So I was depressed the entire past week and cried three times. Any sappy song on the radio or I heard during gym class got me teary.

I won't say that it's complicated - it's just very tangled up. We both know we are not getting back together. I take it that him not contacting me is a clean break... to think he did it because he loves me is comforting, to think he did it for himself is not so.

And then this evening just 5 hours earlier, I heard my cell ring and saw his name on my phone. I was elated… talked nervously and stammered and stuttered. I got him to laugh a few times. Guess my humor is still alive and kicking even when I am nervous talking to a guy I loved over and over.

When I found out that he spent his last weekend driving 45 minutes to a co-worker's for dinner, doing laundry and walking around the city, I was furious and hurt that he didn't have 5 mins to call me 7 days earlier. He didn't even have the courtesy to call to say he accepted his job offer last Friday! I didn't want to talk to him anymore. My stomach almost turned over inside out. He mentioned that he would be away for the next few 2 weekends for bachelor's parties. Which, to my internal calculations, means that we won't see each other till the June 20 weekend. I was mad at his indifference at my tears, my missing him, my hoping to see him too soon - even though I have no right to when I didn't tell him about all that. And I couldn't tell him all that because, in spite of my knee-jerk anger, I know I have no right to. Plus any other rights revoked since we are no longer together.

My good friend said I should be happy that he at least called to share a part of his life with me. I said I am only half happy. She said I am not longer his priority, his 1st person on speed dial, to break news to. I couldn't face the reality, his reality with my current expectations.

secrets of the heart

What you see isn't always everything.

It sure is easy to think that we know those who are close to us. We want to believe that what we see and hear from the person is all there is to it. But we can never know for certain because what really goes on inside another’s head and heart is essentially a secret.

As Gail Saltz wrote it in the ‘Anatomy of a Secret’ which I'm reading, “to have secrets is to be human”.

I am certainly very human. Even while I find comfort in the anonymity of this blog, often, I find myself censoring my own self for fear of revealing too much. Maybe it’s because I simply can’t bring myself to allow a stranger to know ‘me’ without me having an equal chance to know him too.

Secrets are, as Gail had aptly captured it, “the currency of close relationships, the coin of exclusivity, sometimes the key to love itself”.

If I choose to share my secret with you, it’s because I trust you. And with trust, it’s always a risk. I guess that’s the reason I fear I may end up being hurt somehow if I reveal too much of myself to anyone other than my selected few. Believe me, my fears are not unfounded. I once confided in someone I was comfortable with but not exactly close to just because the ‘distance’ gave me a faux sense of security and thereafter, things went horribly wrong. Lesson learnt, now with people I am not close to, I live by the line “You tell me your secrets and I’ll tell you mine. Maybe”.

Secrets – can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

We all have secrets. I know I guard mine fiercely, allowing only those I’m close to aware of my vulnerabilities. Maybe the very people I’m close to keep secrets from me, and I fully respect that. But it can hurt sometimes when you know they’re doing it. After all, if those close to you harbour secrets from you, doesn't that mean they are intentionally excluding you from their lives?

It hurts even more when you know that after opening yourself up totally to them, they would only share scraps of fuzzy, vague details to you. I guess for me, it just makes me wonder where I stand in the relationship.

And while we may say that someone who doesn’t know everything about us doesn’t really know us, can we truly say that we know ourselves?

As a quote from Frank Warren goes:

There are two kinds of secrets:
Those we keep from others,
And the ones we hide from ourselves.

The secrets we keep from ourselves are the ones we simply refuse to acknowledge. They are the ones that we bury over time and we’d become embarrassed or enraged if we ever feel the slightest threat of being exposed.

Just like the secrets we keep from others, these inner secrets too, want to be released. So they try to escape somehow, and give themselves away through fleeting facial expressions, dreams and slips of the tongue, etc.

Has someone you’re close to ever done something inexplicably out of character? I know someone. When I discovered it, I realised suddenly that I didn't know him very well. Maybe even not at all. I suppose that’s when the malignant secret take on more troubling forms.

But without access to these inner secrets, we can’t really know ourselves at all. Instead, we’re forced to spend our lives in a state of continual vagueness, ignorant of the reasons behind our own actions and perceptions.

When someone commits something we would least expect of him, naturally we will question the need to conceal. I believe it’s not the ‘what’ but the ‘why’ that matters most.

If he refuses to reveal why, then I suppose, he is making a choice to hide his real self not only from others but also from his own self. And unless he faces up to the secret he keeps from himself, it will only be a matter of time before the malignant secret starts spreading again to find an outlet through troubling forms.

And when you find someone in whom you can confide all your secrets and who in turn can confide all his or her secrets in you, then for the first time since infancy you will have found a person who seemingly knows everything about you, and that is what we might call love.

And if I may find someone who will lead me to the heart of his secrets, I will not hesitate to lead him to my heart.

When marriage is a mirage

Two almost-there marriage plans which left my heart plastered...

1st heartbreak
Young – naïve – meets handsome guy – handsome guy proposed “let’s get married” – friends, family intercept – asked me not to rush – heeded their advice – did some background checks – found out he’s not to be the one – broke it off – within a month

2nd heartbreak
Met through some online matrimonial site – 12,000km apart - hit it off very well – soon, promises were made – met each other in person after 13 months – stood by our promises to marry - returned to my country – 5 months later – things happened – a decision was to be made – we decided to go our separate ways – almost 4 months later – still thinking of him

If at first (or more times) you fall, dust yourself off and stand up again. And again. (And again)

Plastered heart is back and has switched on her search antenna again =)