of blushes and silly grins

the breath stolen
the heart aflutter
a single moment
of multiple heartbeats
while the rush lived
as long as it lasted



...

infatuated

whenever i walked into a room, my eyes will unconsciously scan around for the object of my affection. and somehow, it usually only takes 2 seconds to zoom in on him. i find it amazing how i can spot him from the corner of my eyes even in a room crammed with people.

sometimes, all i needed to do was look up and there he was. just the sight of him was enough to cool my heart. some moments, our eyes met and... *melts*

this time, it lasted all of 5 days. after that, i was done with my infatuation and i lost interest.

infatuation. talk about cheap and fast thrills. :)

the one about the crush (part iii)

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

M and I exchanged numbers in one of our chats. But we never progressed to chatting on the phone. If I remember correctly, he called once on the pretext that his University mate was looking for a tutor for the cousin or something and he had passed on his phone to his friend and I had passed my phone to my friend. Very silly right? LOL

We only SMSed Hari Raya and birthday wishes.

When M entered University, he was so preoccupied with his new routine that I rarely saw him on msn. Our usual chats died down and the only thing that kept our virtual friendship going were occasional emails. Each time I decided that it’s time to forget M, he’d pop back into my life.

Meanwhile, I was an avid blogger on Multiply and each time I blogged about something, he’d receive a copy of my entry. The beauty of Multiply allowed me to know who read my entry and when. But of course the person had to choose to open the email in the first place.

I realized then, that he’d pass on boring titles like "My day at work" and go for titles like "My Date with..." So I couldn’t help but adopt attention-grabbing titles. He was the first to read my entry grousing about my granny (the title had sounded like I was chiding a love interest).

Through that avenue, he managed to find out my birthday. He was 4 days too late but sent an SMS anyway:

M: Happy belated birthday! How, lots of presents? For me I never get any in fact have to give presents on my birthday.

I was pleasantly surprised to get that SMS, quite unexpected because our contact with each other had been sporadic lately.

Anyway being cheeky, I sent a reply:

Me: That’s all? No presents?

He: Yes, there is… A little prayer that you’ll be happy always, dunia & akhirat. (english: in this lifetime and afterlife)

Awwww! Do you guys get how I feel? These are exactly the kind of things that makes me fall deeper and deeper!

By this time, he had completed his degree and was scheduled to train in another country for 2 years.

At that time, he was already drawing his paycheck from his job training. Funnily he liked to withdraw his money at the ATM near my block even though there is one in the one of that central place near his block. And how did I know that? Because I get weird SMSes from him like: Eh still so early how come your kitchen light is on? Langsir dapur lawa sey. (english: Nice kitchen curtains)

How did he know which unit I lived in? I suspected that he had probably had checked it out when he was serving NS at the NPC right about the same time I shifted house. Yea, this naïve girl had disclosed her name then.

Anyway, after he landed a high flying job, our contacts had been very minimal. I no longer have his number after he had gone off to another country to do his training. MSN was our only mode of communication.

It dwindled from occasional chats to just a few liners.

And even when he returned back to Singapore, it seemed that his status on MSN is always OUT FOR LUNCH. Cannot be always out for lunch right?

And after reading Mr Greg Behrendt’s “He’s just not into you” self-help book… Well that’s probably what it was all about - He just wasn’t that into me.

Because let’s face it, he had every chance of asking me out if he wanted to. He can’t be that thick not to know that I have crush on him - after all he’s very intelligent.

So there I had my closure. It had always been a one-sided thing. I had a humongous crush on him but that’s about it.

Up till now I still have not deleted him from my contacts. It’s just a constant reminder of my memories with my dear VERY VIRTUAL friend/crush.

Well nevertheless I hope he is happy always and of course having memories like this is part of the growing up process.



And that my dear hearties, is my story.

I didn’t promise a happy ending now did I?

the one about the crush (part ii)

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

(Actually I forgot to mention, M was able to pinpoint who I was from his patrol rounds was because it was not very common for someone in my area to go to the JC that I was schooling in. It is also mainly due to distance.)

M wasn’t exactly the pin-up guy that I’d drool over but certainly was pleasant looking. Being a ChiLay (mixed ah tu, of course not Chili and Olay LOL), he’s fair skinned. I’m partial to guys who are fair-skinned. But looks wasn't exactly the issue here.

(In response to wondering heart’s comment earlier about him sounding like a sincere guy as he still talked to me after knowing how I looked like… well that’s what attracted me in the first place. I had developed such a huge crush on him without realising.)

We continued chatting because looks wasn’t an issue for me and it seemed, not for him too. But hey, I might have weights issue but I’m gorgeous, lol! He is an interesting character – witty and funny. He was also religious and would advise me when I was whining sometimes. He even offered to lend me a “buku persiapan Umrah” (book on the preparations for Umrah) when he found out that I would be going for my Umrah trip (stupidly I had declined because firstly, I was stupid and secondly, because I had my own guidebook).

Anyway, in my own way, I tested to see if he’d agree to teach my brother tuition for Math. He was a Science student and judging from his Alma Mater, his Math must have been excellent. Apparently, he was in two minds about it… I even told my mom about this friend of mine when my mom was looking for a tutor for my brother. He didn’t take up the offer, though.

But one day, a fire broke out at the flat behind mine… and guess who was on duty that day? M was there in full view, cordoning the area off! He was facing my kitchen so I even called my mom to look. LOL!

So when we were having our normal chat on ICQ…
M: Were you at home last Thursday?
Me: I was out for registering myself at the school.
M: Can’t be out the whole day right?
Me: Oooh…no…in fact I managed to catch the drama unfolding behind my block. There was a fire. Policemen were activated. So many police cars, so many policemen! Some policemen were talking to reporter…and one particular one was cordoning off an area!
M: !!!

I realized then, that M was a shy guy. In fact a senior whom he was acquainted with, whom I sometimes chatted with, also said he was so. Anyway since my mommy knows what he looks like, she saw him when she was buying breakfast one day.

She told me and I asked him… “eh you went that someplace someplace to buy breakfast eh?”
M: Eh how come you never come over and say hi?
Me: I wasn’t even there lorr. I was in Botanical Garden on a field trip. (This is of course the truth)
M: Then how did you know?
Me: My mom saw you.
M: What? Oh no cover blown!
Me: Cover blown over so long already.
M: !!!

In fact, it was always my mom who saw him. And for a few times too! It was like Chinese movie “Turn Left, Turn Right”. There was two occasions that this was so:

1st occasion:
I was supposed to wait for my mom and my sis at an LRT stop. I had alighted at another stop (near his place) and when I called my mom to confirm the meeting point, I walked over to the correct stop. When my mom appeared, she told me: Eh we saw your ‘friend’, he was on the same train as us.

Imagine, if I had stayed at that stop, I might have probably met him there and then!


2nd occasion:
My family had planned a 2nd Umrah trip in 2005. Due to my insistence, because of work-related reasons, the dates were changed from the 2nd of June to a week later. And because of that… I had missed on being on the SAME flight and SAME hotel with M who was doing his Umrah then too. How much coincidence can it get? I got rather embarrassed about this but there and then I had prayed to God to give me a sign. If he was not the one for me, please let me forget about him and have him far away from my mind.

But guess what, just minutes before I was about to leave Mecca, I received an SMS: “Where are you?”

No prizes for guessing who sent it.


To be continued…

the one about the crush

contributed by one of our readers, random heart.

Now how do I start?

Let’s just say I was a net addict right from the start… after all towards the new millennium (at that time), Internet was the rage. Even with dial-up internet connection back then, it was really very addictive. I got withdrawal symptoms just by not using the net for a day. That was how bad it was.

mIRC was really the rage then. A/S/L was at the tip of my fingertips. It was fun… to able to hide behind anonymity, talking to many different people… sharing views… getting to know people.

Anyway, what started was… I was with my aunt who wanted to know what IRC was all about. So she sat beside me while I went through the motion. I told her that when a particular nick was highlighted, it meant someone wanted to talk to me. What I didn’t know was, on that same lazy afternoon, I would get to know someone whom I would eventually develop a huge crush on.

Anyway, he (M) seemed to be an uninteresting person at first. But as we chatted more and more, I got more and more interested. Finally, before we ended our chat, we exchanged emails.

What I had uncovered based on that chat was that he was undergoing NS police at that time, was from a different JC but that we basically lived in the same precinct.

I was 17 at that time, naïve, thinking that I could hide behind this anonymous mask that I’ve projected in this virtual world. Of course, despite my naivety, I still had some common sense to not give my full name and number. (but anyway, where got luxury like now - I got my first hdp when I was 20? LOL)

First on IRC, then on ICQ (the consistent eh oh sounds of yesteryears)… I really can’t remember how we switched to ICQ - probably the email bit… but we chatted quite frequently…. I had so much fun talking to him. We’d spent hours online - More so on weekends where I could stay up till 2a.m. sometimes.

So you see throughout my senior year in JC, where I should have paid more attention in my studies, I’ve spent my time on the internet - internet junkie mah… most of the time talking to this policeman conscript (lol).

Turning point came one day... a few months after my A’s. I was waiting for my results then. Bumming around at home, giving tuition to cousins - my father didn’t let me find a job while waiting for results so I had to abide Daddy’s word. Anyway, I was chatting as per normal with M when the conversation went something like this:

M: So you don’t go out?
Me: I don’t like to go out. (I should have kicked myself here LOL)
M: Why you don’t like to go out?

Readers…I was really in a crazy mood so I went:

Me: Coz people stare…

(Let me explain… to be honest, I was not confident of myself so I always criticized myself. I’m my worst critic… and I had issues with my weights… in essence that staring part was basically my feeling unsure about myself)

M: Why do people stare? Is it because you are plump, with short curly hair and fair?

I almost fell off my seat! IT WAS SPOT ON… but how the hell did he know?
Flustered…I answered back.

Me: Hey are you stalking me?
M: I just happened to patrol in your area and saw this JC girl wearing the JC uniform.

I asked for his photo but he refused to share it with me.

After that chat, the next day I realized something…

Then was in Apr, so it had been 6 freaking months since I donned that uniform. I got really freaked out I tell you… but that still did not deter me from talking to him. I tried many sorts of ways… finally he relented and sent me his photo.



To be continued…

ps: Ok I've decided to send u the first installment of my story. Will continue after Barren Heart finishes hers. LOL.