Its been over 3 yrs. The journey has been most fulfilling, full of highs and lows, lots of laughter and tears,and just as many glorious winning moments as there are weary battles lost. But the relationship is slowly becoming... stifling. Too clingy, too dependent. Not enough room to breathe. Suddenly, things that I'd do out of passion became an obligation. And that sense of dread in the pit of my stomach to face another day, to face you. Never a good sign. The thought of leaving crossed my mind, but I never had the courage to actually do it. A fear of the unknown? And if I could find someone who could treat me as well as you do?
Then something unexpected comes along. A long lost contact, a familiar voice calls me up with an offer to pick up where we left before. One meeting was all it took to make me reconsider my options. Against well-intended advice from friends and family, I felt it's time to move on.
Breaking the news was awkward, because I never showed signs of unhappiness. Always with a ready smile, never complaining. It came as a shocker, I'm sure. At first acceptance, and then came the slow talk.
"What can I do to make you stay?" he asked. I knew he genuinely wanted me there.
To my utter disbelief, he made me an offer I find hard to resist. It's what I always wanted, dangling in front of me. But it means staying for all the wrong reasons. The reasons to leave will still be there, the nagging, little problems that sowed seeds of my discontent will persist. And yet, he promises me a better future, that things will get better, to just give him a little more time.
This is of course, a safer path to take. A route I've traversed for years and for all its problems, one that I'm comfortable with.
On the other hand, there is someone waiting for my answer. Or rather, already assuming I will say yes. Sure, it's not exciting as what I'm used to now, but I can expect stability, and a fresh start, which I really need badly now.
So what now? I hate dilemmas.
How I wish my love life is as exciting as my work life, and instead of managers, men fight for me. Pfft!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
fear & trembling
Once upon a time, a young lad was madly in love with a princess. But
his love for his damsel cannot be fulfilled. The man has three
choices; either be a slave, a knight of infinite resignation or a
knight of faith.
The slave will bemoan the loss of his love, screaming of the
foolishness of love. He will be dejected and abandon this love.
The knight of infinite resignation will not give up his love for the
princess, but he accepts that they will never be together in this
life. Instead, he keeps the memory of his love for the princess and
this becomes his sustenance for life. He is kept going by the
beautiful memories of the princess and his unfulfilled love. The
knight of infinity may or may not believe that they may be together in
another life or in spirit, but what's important is that the knight of
infinity gives up on their being together in this world; in this life.
The knight of faith goes a step further than this. He believes that he
will get her, by virtue of the absurd. The knight of faith is willing
to believe that they will be together through divine possibility. The
knight is the individual who is able to gracefully embrace life
through his acceptance and leap of faith in the impossible.
Most people live dejectedly in worldly sorrow and joy; they are the
ones who sit along the wall and do not join in the dance (slaves). The
knights of infinity are dancers and possess elevation. They make the
movements upward, and fall down again; and this too is no mean
pastime, nor ungraceful to behold. But whenever they fall down they
are not able at once to assume the posture, they waver for an instant,
and this instability shows that after all they are human like the rest
of us.
One need not look at them when they are up in the air, but only the
instant they touch or have touched the ground–then one recognizes
them. But to be able to fall down in such a way that the same second
it looks as if one were standing and walking, to transform the leap of
life into a walk, absolutely to express the sublime in the
pedestrian–that only the knight of faith can do.
So which would you be?
~ adapted from fear & trembling, by soren kierkegaard
his love for his damsel cannot be fulfilled. The man has three
choices; either be a slave, a knight of infinite resignation or a
knight of faith.
The slave will bemoan the loss of his love, screaming of the
foolishness of love. He will be dejected and abandon this love.
The knight of infinite resignation will not give up his love for the
princess, but he accepts that they will never be together in this
life. Instead, he keeps the memory of his love for the princess and
this becomes his sustenance for life. He is kept going by the
beautiful memories of the princess and his unfulfilled love. The
knight of infinity may or may not believe that they may be together in
another life or in spirit, but what's important is that the knight of
infinity gives up on their being together in this world; in this life.
The knight of faith goes a step further than this. He believes that he
will get her, by virtue of the absurd. The knight of faith is willing
to believe that they will be together through divine possibility. The
knight is the individual who is able to gracefully embrace life
through his acceptance and leap of faith in the impossible.
Most people live dejectedly in worldly sorrow and joy; they are the
ones who sit along the wall and do not join in the dance (slaves). The
knights of infinity are dancers and possess elevation. They make the
movements upward, and fall down again; and this too is no mean
pastime, nor ungraceful to behold. But whenever they fall down they
are not able at once to assume the posture, they waver for an instant,
and this instability shows that after all they are human like the rest
of us.
One need not look at them when they are up in the air, but only the
instant they touch or have touched the ground–then one recognizes
them. But to be able to fall down in such a way that the same second
it looks as if one were standing and walking, to transform the leap of
life into a walk, absolutely to express the sublime in the
pedestrian–that only the knight of faith can do.
So which would you be?
~ adapted from fear & trembling, by soren kierkegaard
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